Nov 13, 2025
Happy 85th Anniversary, Fantasia!
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Happy 85th Anniversary, Fantasia!
Ponchielli's la gioconda would be better if gioconda and laura had toxic hatesex and that bum enzo died
so a long time ago, @akechijubeimitsuhide made a post that was “Peter Grimes But Told As Facebook Status Updates”. here’s the same thing but a) probably worse and b) with La Gioconda, well at least with Act I because this got significantly longer than I planned but then again this opera is batshit crazy and I will continue with the other three acts of y’all are interested:
*also, please keep in mind that I do not use Facebook very often so some of these features may not be accurate BUT I DO WHAT WORKS FOR THE STORY*
Act I:
La Gioconda joined Facebook 8.3.1654.
[yes I am using European date order even though I am American because setting.]
La Gioconda is added to group People of Venice.
La Gioconda adds La Cieca and Enzo Giordano to Friends.
La Gioconda and Enzo Giordano are Dating.
Barnaba sends a Friend Request to La Gioconda.
La Gioconda Ignores Barnaba’s Friend Request.
The People of Venice group attends the event “Carnival”.
Barnaba invites the People of Venice to attend event “Regatta”.
Zuane, Isepo, and 124 others are going to the event “Regatta”.
Barnaba posts on Gioconda’s wall: I want you.
-Gioconda: I don’t want you.
—Barnaba: But I want you.
Barnaba contemplates reporting La Cieca.
Isepo wins event “Regatta”.
Barnaba posts on Zuane’s wall: hey i know why you lost.
-Zuane: why?
—Barnaba: La Cieca put a curse on your boat because she’s a witch.
Barnaba reports La Cieca’s account for violating Community Standards.
Barnaba comments on Isepo’s post: hey La Cieca is a witch.
Zuane and Isepo report La Cieca’s account for violating Community Standards.
Barnaba posts in group People of Venice: everyone report La Cieca’s account for violating Community Standards because she’s a witch.
138 people in group People of Venice report La Cieca’s account for violating Community Standards.
La Cieca posts: everyone please stop reporting me I’m not a witch
Barnaba invites group People of Venice to event “Vigilante Justice on La Cieca”.
163 people are going to this event.
La Gioconda and Enzo Giordano post: everyone please stop reporting La Cieca!
La Gioconda reports event “Vigilante Justice on La Cieca” for Harassment.
Group Moderator Duke Alvise Badoero posts: why is everyone reporting La Cieca so much and what is this event about?
-Barnaba: she’s a witch and we need to get rid of her for violating Community Standards.
—Gioconda: she’s my mom she would never hurt a fly
Duke Alvise Badoero’s Wife posts she’s a good Catholic woman she’s not violating any Community Standards.
La Gioconda likes this.
Enzo Giordano loves this.
Duke Alvise Badoero posts: La Cieca will not be removed.
Barnaba is angry about this.
La Cieca sends Duke Alvise Badoero’s Wife a rosary through Facebook Marketplace with the comment: May God bless you.
La Gioconda, Duke Alvise Badoero’s Wife, Enzo Giordano, and 152 others like this.
Duke Alvise Badoero sends La Gioconda $100 through Facebook Pay with the comment: for your troubles.
La Gioconda comments on La Cieca’s status update: Duke Alvise Badoero’s Wife, what’s your real name, so I may pray for you?
–Duke Alvise Badoero’s Wife: My name is Laura.
—Enzo Giordano: LAURA?!
La Gioconda and La Cieca add Duke Alvise Badoero’s Wife to Friends.
Duke Alvise Badoero, Duke Alvise Badoero’s Wife, La Gioconda, La Cieca, and 174 others prepare for event “Vespers”.
Barnaba DM’s Enzo Giordano.
-Barnaba: I know your real identity: you are Enzo Grimaldi, Prince of Santafior.
—Enzo: You have no proof. I am Enzo Giordano.
-Barnaba: I have screenshots of your other Facebook account, including photos of when you and Laura Adorno knew each other in Genoa before she married Alvise. You made a fake account to get into the People of Venice group.
—Enzo: La Gioconda and I are Dating.
-Barnaba: I can help you and Laura get out of here together. Tonight, you two will get out of the People of Venice group together and you will be Dating.
—Enzo: Incredible! But who are you?
-Barnaba: I am part of the group Venice Council of Ten. This is all part of my plan to destroy La Gioconda because she doesn’t love me.
—Enzo: I just wanna be with Laura!
Barnaba DM’s Isepo.
-Barnaba: I want you to write a message for me to send to Duke Alvise Badoero.
—Isepo: what
-Barnaba: write: “To the Secret Head of the Inquisitoon Group”…
La Gioconda and La Cieca hack into Barnaba and Isepo’s DM conversation.
-Barnaba: write that Enzo Giordano is actually Enzo Grimaldi and that he’s going to leave the People of Venice group with Laura tonight.
La Gioconda and La Cieca leave the DM conversation. Isepo sends the finished message to Barnaba.
Barnaba forwards the DM to Duke Alvise Badoero.
83 people attend the event “Masquerade”.
St. Mark’s Church posts a reminder for event “Vespers”.
La Gioconda DM’s La Cieca: I want to die.
—La Cieca: Let me share your grief; I love you.
La Gioconda, La Cieca, and 243 others attend event “Vespers”.
Act II:
Enzo Giordano changes relationship status to Single.
Enzo Giordano secretly likes Duke Alvise Badoero’s Wife.
Enzo Giordano, Barnaba, Isepo, and 80 others attend event “Sailors’ Gathering And Escape Party At Fusina Island”.
The sailors upload “Sailor Song” to YouTube.
Enzo Giordano likes this.
Isepo and Barnaba leave the event.
Enzo Giordano uploads YouTube video “Cielo e mar” with caption “can’t wait to see Laura my love”.
La Gioconda dislikes this.
Duke Alvise Badoero’s Wife and Barnaba join the event.
Barnaba posts: she’s here!
Barnaba leaves the event.
Duke Alvise Badoero’s Wife DMs Enzo Giordano.
-I love you but I’m afraid Barnaba is up to no good.
—No it’s okay :) he’s totally on our side :)
-okay I trust you.
Enzo Giordano leaves the event to prepare for them to leave the group.
Duke Alvise Badoero’s Wife anonymously posts video “Stella dal marinar” to YouTube with caption: I’m really hoping and praying this plan works.
La Gioconda joins the event.
La Gioconda anonymously comments: I hope it doesn’t because I LOVE ENZO AND I’M GOING TO KILL YOU AND ALSO YOUR HUSBAND IS AFTER YOU
Duke Alvise Badoero’s Wife replies off anon: SOMEONE HELP ME
La Gioconda replies: WAIT I’M GIOCONDA AND YOU’RE THE ONE WHO SAVED MY MOM LEMME HELP YOU
La Gioconda helps Duke Alvise Badoero’s Wife leave the event.
Duke Alvise Badoero and Barnaba join the event.
Enzo Giordano rejoins the event.
Enzo Giordano posts: Laura where are you???
La Gioconda DM’s Enzo Giordano:
-she left because she doesn’t love you anymore
—no she’s just afraid of her husband and I’m gonna rescue her
-if you do you’ll get killed
—no I won’t
-Alvise and Barnaba found the event. you can still get out of this situation by leaving the group.
—being a coward? and leaving without Laura? never!
the Sailors post: let’s all leave the group before things get out of hand
Enzo Giordano: NEVER!
*Enzo Giordano deletes the event, sets his ship on fire, and jumps into the sea.*
La Gioconda posts on her wall: well, fml.
Act III:
Duke Alvise Badoero invites group People of Venice to event “Party at the Ca d’Oro Tonight.”
421 people like this.
Duke Alvise Badoero posts video “Sì, morir ella de’!” to YouTube with caption “I don’t take betrayal lightly.”
Barnaba likes this.
Duke Alvise Badoero’s Wife posts photo of ballgown with caption: looking forward to wearing this dress to the party tonight—I think it’s the prettiest dress I’ve ever worn in my life!
Duke Alvise Badoero comments: that’d be a nice dress to die in, speaking of which I need to talk to you.
Duke Alvise Badoero’s Wife DM’s Duke Alvise Badoero.
-I don’t understand. What do you mean “that’d be a nice dress to die in”?
—You’re an adulteress, and for that you must delete your account!
-What?
—I almost caught you last night, but you left the event. But I have evidence and you are in my power now.
-But no violation is worth the deleting my account!
—I don’t care; you must delete your account!
Duke Alvise Badoero posts a video titled “Gondoliers’ Serenade” to YouTube and DM’s the link to Laura.
La Gioconda hacks into the DM conversation.
-By the time this song is done playing, your account must be gone. If it is not, I will delete it myself.
Duke Alvise Badoero leaves the DM. La Gioconda DM’s Duke Alvise Badoero’s Wife.
-I knew this would happen. Let me help you so he won’t find you.
—Can I trust you?
-He’ll delete your account if you do not.
La Gioconda removes Duke Alvise Badoero’s Wife from the group People of Venice.
La Gioconda helps Duke Alvise Badoero’s Wife change her account information to Laura Adorno.
Duke Alvise Badoero sees that Duke Alvise Badoero’s Wife is no longer in the People of Venice group.
Duke Alvise Badoero, Barnaba, Isepo, Andrea Sagrado, Erizzo, Loredano, Veniero, Partecipazio, and 507 others are at event “Party at the Ca d’Oro Tonight”.
Duke Alvise Badoero posts: this will be the best party EVER!!!
Duke Alvise Badoero installs plug-in “Dance of the Hours”.
2,586 people like this.
La Cieca creates Event “Vigil for Duke Alvise Badoero’s Wife”.
Barnaba reports this Event to Group Moderator Duke Alvise Badoero.
Duke Alvise Badoero warns La Cieca for violating Community Guidelines.
Barnaba replies: she’s obviously a witch.
La Cieca replies: for the last time I am not a witch! Duke Alvise Badoero’s Wife has been removed from the group and I just wanted to pray for her because she saved me from getting removed.
Enzo Giordano leaves group People of Venice. Enzo Grimaldo joins group People of Venice and event “Party at the Ca d’Oro Tonight”.
Enzo Grimaldo posts: LAURA IS DEAD?!?!
Duke Alvise Badoero posts: HOW DID ENZO GRIMALDI GET IN THE GROUP BARNABA YOU HAVE SOME ANSWERING TO DO
La Gioconda joins the Event.
La Gioconda posts: oh man this is bad
La Gioconda DM’s Barnaba:
-if you let Enzo go and don’t make him delete his account, then I will be in a Relationship with you and post a Status Update about it.
—that’s all I ever wanted! I accept.
La Cieca DM’s La Gioconda:
-I love you, honey, more than anyone in the world.
—Love you too, Mom.
Duke Alvise Badoero posts: this is what happens to anyone who dishonors me! Look!
Duke Alvise Badoero posts screenshots indicating that Duke Alvise Badoero’s Wife is no longer part of the group People of Venice with the caption:
she dishonored me so I made her delete her account!
509 people react with “wow”, “sad”, or “angry”.
Enzo Grimaldo replies: MURDERER!
368 people reply with some variation of “this is seriously fucked up”.
Duke Alvise Badoero ends event “Party at the Ca d’Oro Tonight”.
Barnaba removes La Cieca from group People of Venice.
Act IV:
La Gioconda is at The Palace At the Orfana Canal.
La Gioconda forms group “Escape Venice”.
First Singer, Second Singer, and Laura Adorno join group “Escape Venice”.
La Gioconda DM’s Laura Adorno.
-Don’t post just yet.
La Gioconda sends $200 to First Singer and Second Singer via Facebook Pay.
First Singer and Second Singer send $200 back to Gioconda with comment: just friends helping friends, no payment needed.
La Gioconda DM’s back: my mother hasn’t been on here since yesterday and I’m scared something happened to her. look all over Facebook for her and pray! I’ll meet you at Canareggio tomorrow so we can escape.
La Gioconda posts video entitled “Suicidio!” to YouTube with caption “my life is falling apart, I’m having suicidal thoughts, I’m having a lot of conflicted feelings and things are so rough.”
La Gioconda adds Enzo Grimaldo to group “Escape Venice”.
Enzo Grimaldo DM’s La Gioconda.
-Why did you add me to this group?
—I want you to be free.
-Laura’s gone and I have nothing to live for.
—Listen to me.
-I want to see what’s left of her and then delete my account.
—Duke Alvise Badoero’s Wife is no longer on Facebook.
-You’re lying! I’ll get your account deleted!
—I’d be very happy if you did that!
Laura Adorno joins the DM.
—-ENZO!!!
-LAURA???
—-Can Alvise find this group, Gioconda?
—Don’t worry, Laura, it’s a private group.
—-Enzo, Gioconda helped me change my profile so Alvise wouldn’t find me. Gioconda, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
-Uh…thanks, Gioconda.
First Singer and Second Singer post video entitled “Gondoliers’ Serenade, Round 2” to YouTube.
La Gioconda sends the link to Laura Adorno and Enzo Grimaldo.
-Remember this song, Laura? It saved your life last night. The singers will get you two into the Citizens of Illyria group. You two can live and love happily there.
La Gioconda DM’s Laura Adorno.
-My mother’s rosary will protect you. Thank you for saving her life.
La Gioconda DM’s Laura Adorno and Enzo Grimaldo.
-Think of me
Think of me fondly
When we've said goodbye
Remember me ev’ry so often
Promise me you'll try
On that day - that not so distant day
When you are far away and free
If you ever find a moment
Spare a thought for me…
And though it's clear
Though it was always clear
That this was never meant to be,
If you happen to remember
Stop and think of me!
Laura Adorno and Enzo Grimaldo DM La Gioconda:
-We’ll always remember you! God bless you!
Laura Adorno and Enzo Grimaldo are now Officially Dating.
Laura Adorno, Enzo Grimaldo, First Singer, and Second Singer leave the group “Escape Venice”. La Gioconda deletes the group.
La Gioconda considers deleting her account.
La Gioconda posts on her wall:
No, I can’t delete my account yet! I have to make sure my mom is still on here and I still have to deal with Barnaba—help me!
Barnaba posts on La Gioconda’s wall: ;).
La Gioconda replies: God forgive me for what I’m about to do.
Barnaba replies: so…about that status update about us being in a relationship?
La Gioconda replies: oh yeah, I just need to make it look nice because if I’m going to be in a relationship with you even though I hate you, the announcement for it might as well look extra nice—
La Gioconda deletes her account.
Barnaba tags La Gioconda in a post on his wall:
GIOCONDA YOU FUCKING BITCH YOU HATE ME WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING…
YESTERDAY YOUR MOTHER INSULTED ME SO I GOT HER ACCOUNT DELETED ONCE AND FOR ALL
Barnaba posts on his wall:
fuck, she deleted her account already so she’s never gonna see that, is she? :/
*THE END.*
Ah! o cuor! dono funesto! retaggio di dolore. Il mio destino è questo: o morte, o morte, o amor, o morte o amor!
(Oh heart! Fatal gift! Heritage of sorrow! My destiny is this: Either love or death!)
Maria Callas sings O cuor dono funesto... from Ponchielli’s La Gioconda.
Happy 80th Anniversary, Fantasia!
Alright, everyone, I am definitely planning to watch/liveblog the Vienna Don Pasquale (as requested by @rayatii) and the new Faust from Paris over the weekend, but please put which 2-3 of the following productions you would also like me to liveblog this weekend (the first six were the leftovers from today‘s list; I have also added four other productions that have been sitting in my to-watch bank for a hot minute):
Ariane et Barbe-bleue (Lyon, 2021)
or
La gioconda (San Francisco, 1979)
or
Francesca da Rimini (Paris, 2011)
or
La gazza ladra (Cologne, 1987)
or
Guillaume Tell [in 1776] (Southern Illinois Music Festival, 2016)
or
Orpheus in the Underworld (BBC TV movie, 1983)
or
La Juive (Munich, 2016)
or
Le roi Arthus (Paris, 2015)
or
Die tote Stadt (Strasbourg, 2001)
or
Orphée et Eurydice (Sydney, 1994)
okay, “Cielo e mar” is actually amazing when sung very well
listening while I work and y’all, this is GOOD so far (is that any surprise, though?)
