Summary: 420 reflects on McCoy leaving, and makes a new decision.
Notes: References to the fic Thursday are in here.
She should've seen it coming.
Little One had had that horrible dream at first. Waking up, and both feeling as though that shouldn't be. A dream where McCoy had gone insane. Killing everyone and everything in some twisted form of saving them. The details afterward had become fuzzy... Incoherent. As though she was forced to forget.
Well enough for her. That was a horrid night. But then he had disappeared. What little word she received had been that he'd delved into a coma. Every few nights, she'd set up a small space. A rooftop, not too far away from the apartment he was in. Grab binoculars. Look through the window to see his face...
It almost reminded her of last time... Waiting on him each night to show. She was so sure he'd wake up, and she'd see that wonderful smile of his again. Forget how much of a monster he became in that dream and hold onto what scraps of sanity she had left.
But then she stopped coming. Things were changing for her. She was finally getting a stable relationship with someone else. Whether or not she deserved Fawkes' and Jericho's love, Dapper did. So she stayed. Her unknown visits became fewer and farther between.
But she still wanted that smile of his.
Tonight was different. It'd been so long since she last visited. Seen Lila tending over him or the little baby girl coming in. She almost wondered if it was worth it this time. But this time her eyes found nothing.
Not a form. Not anything.
It hurt a lot more then it should've. She wandered a bit closer, peering in through the window close up.
There was nothing.
As the oil welled up, she slinked down the stairs and the side of the building. Twice. This was twice now he died on her... And this time, it didn't hurt so much.
If anything, she wanted to scream. That bastard... The only thing good from her past. Literally the ONLY thing she hadn't screwed up and ruined... And he was gone again. She'd ruined anything with Eric. Harvey and Opal had killed her. McCoy had disappeared before any of that... Yes, him "dying" the first time had started a long and horrible cycle in 420's life, but she had accepted it as fact. Finding McCoy again had given her a glimmer of hope... Maybe. Maybe things weren't that horrible.
Maybe she could be loved.
But now he was gone again. Bastard could die so easily it seemed... The first time it was horrible. Having to find out he died right after she left, and from a kid no less. Leaving him moonshine on the dock. But at least then had been a week of pure bliss. Both of them uncorrupted and loving.
Now wasn't the case. He loved her, yes... But only what she had been. Who Little One was. And now he was gone again.
Stopping in her tracks, 420 looked down, delving into her processor. Little One had new memories of McCoy. Trying to explain to her he was gone... It would be just like before. Already she had met so many bots that were gone now, or were missing... Jitterbug and Two-Step. Peter. That stupid Ruskie, Lyov. Caspian. Fidget. But McCoy was different. He knew her from before, before she gone mad. And soon enough, she'd feel hated and unloved... All because her past caught up to her.
No. No, she wouldn't have that. Best to think her past, 420's life, was nothing but horror and misery. No love or kindness. She never kept that.
"Transf'r memory files a' Poolcue McCoy to Green Matt'ah."
And now she would keep this. If McCoy ever did come back, she'd give these back.
But now Dapper forgot.
420 would remember.
She always remembered those who left.
Even if they tricked her into thinking she was capable of being loved again. Fool her once, shame on him. Twice... Shame on her.
((Drabble/feels under the read more because my feels are still recovering from that McCoy death fic from earlier....
Enjoy~))
~1936
She'd left on a Thursday.
Nothing life-threatening this time. Nor was she being drafted again. Just an old promise to Harvey that she'd visit him and Opal on their anniversary. So she had spent the two weeks before just singing and dancing.
Then she had to work. Nothing she'd ever admit to if the Lovelies questioned her about it, but she enjoyed working in the burlesque shows. There was still a bit of singing involved, but she mostly danced and teased. Harvey had made her in a human form, so what was the harm of getting both money and attention from it? Every look, every gaze... It made her feel powerful. She made them feel like this. And, unlike the clubs she had crooned in in Germany, she was appreciated here.
Course, once in a while there was a snafu. A man trying to feel her up after a show, a jealous dancer coming by to yell at her... The usual. Though she'd never forget a certain shark-faced boy who had tried bringing her a gin and tonic and managed spilling it all over her favorite red dress. He had run off afterwards, probably thinking she was glitching from the alcohol when, in total actuality, she was just jumpy. She didn't see him til the next night.
Took a few hours, but she got a name from one of the regulars on who he was. McCoy. An automaton who worked at the docks a few streets over.
Name in hand, she had walked up next to him at the bar, ordering two gin and tonics.
They had similar meetings each night the rest of the week. Meeting in her room after a show, she'd set him up with a drink of the night and they'd relax together. They'd mostly talk, but the topic would jump everywhere the course of the night. Sometimes it'd be what they were doing here, why they were working where they were, sometimes it would be art, and sometimes it would just be laughing, enjoying the other's company. He was clever and sweet, and she loved every second they spent together.
But on Thursday night, he offered to hook up somewhere else for a nightcap. She declined. Only giving him a deep kiss and leaving. She'd be back in a week. They could meet again.
-------
First night she was back, she had gone straight to the bar and waited for him.
Second night was the same thing, but this time she wore a regular green dress. He'd mentioned once he'd liked the color.
Third night she was starting to give up. She had waited at the bar, only to have a few men sit next to her and brag. Something about a bit of fun they had near the docks over a week ago. She snapped at them to shut up, and they did.
Fourth night was when she finally left the bar early, heading to the docks nearby. It had never crossed her mind that McCoy could've been hurt. The depression was hitting everyone hard, maybe he was just one of those working over time. A few talks with the other workers, she found out wrong. No one had seen McCoy since the Friday after she left. And judging by a few of the nervous looks she'd get, he wasn't fired. It was something worse.
A small kid was the one who told her what had happened. He'd accidentally seen it, telling no one for fear of having a similar fate. She couldn't blame the kid... But... Everyone else knew. And they let it happen. Those bastards took away McCoy.... That sweet, charming, ... McCoy.
She spent the rest of the night sitting at a far-off dock. Crying oil until dawn.
Fifth night, she went back there. Bringing a jar of moonshine with her. She told him she'd get him to try it, at least once. She only cried once as she poured it into the water, hoping he'd get it some way.....somehow.... A giant man had tried to attack her from behind, throw her into the water. He was larger, saying something along the lines of "sink as quick as the other". But she simply stomped on his kneecap, knocking him down and kicking him into the water herself. She ran away before she could see if he came up for air.
Six night, she left. This town reminded her of him. However short their time, she missed him... And she needed to get away. She'd leave a night early, skipping the final performance tomorrow. She ordered two more gin and tonics, out of habit, and drank one. Leaving the second on the counter, for anyone who wanted it. Looked like the guy in the corner needed a pick-me-up himself.
-----
~1946
Ten years. Ten goddamned years since she had thought of McCoy. But there was his name on the file. Target: Poolcue McCoy. There was jargon afterwards, but she didn't bother to read it. She only smirked, oil coming up to her eyes. He was stronger then she had given him credit for... But then again, she was naive then.
The suit in front of her got her attention. He was nervous, a newbie on debriefing. "So, can you take care of him or not?" Aw... Trying to be a badass.
"....Oh, I could, but I got things t'do t'night. Send Rogers." Agent 420 stood up, throwing the file back at the kid. "You know I avoid oth'ah bots." She left right afterwards, musing to herself that that day was a Thursday.
Although she hated bringing up the past, Dapper couldn't deny it: she loved finding old stuff of her's.
From what she gathered, she had small storage units all over the U.S. On an off-chance she'd find an address or key, she couldn't help but visit it. Sometimes it was practical, like finding old stock and vaults, but other times she found other things. Like photos and red-taped documents. She didn't bother with those. She was curious and nostalgic, nothing more.
This time was different though. This time she had visited an old theater, finding a room with her name on it. A whole room, just for her. And in it, a variety of beautiful clothes and costumes.
"Well, "clothes" is being nice." was her only thought as she held up one outfit. And another. And yet another. And even more. Apparently she had worked in Las Vegas at some point giving all the costumes lack-thereof material. Mostly sheer. All in different colors of green.
She knew she was a dancer even back then, but she didn't think she was this kind of dancer too. So she sat, still holding one outfit out for inspection.
first of all, goddamn am I red-faced over here after reading the McShila thing. And not because I'm angry -- let me get it out of the way by saying I'm not mad.
Somewhat weirded out, but not mad.
Here's the deal.
I have to look at this thing as being some kind of AUish thing. As much as I find the idea of Lila and Shi together romantically being cute, 'canonically' he sees her as a little sister. So the immediate turn on aspect is kinda... er.
Shi has no real sexual desire -- not even for Skull, who he actually recognizes his affection for. There is a level of fundamental self-loathing in him that sort of precludes having any inherit desire to get laid. Part of the reason he was so offended and spooked by McCoy's 'kiss' (bite, whatever) is that the idea of anyone having an inclination of that sort towards him means that he's putting some part of him out to the world that's good, or desirable, or approachable.
Any one who is close to him hurts him. That's why he's so rude even to Gage, who he sees as his brother, because he doesn't want anyone close enough to hurt when inevitably they leave. Even McCoy, who he sees as an enemy, making some kind of bond in that closeness, making Shi feel like he's somehow... desirable, good for something other than base mechanical skill, causes him great discomfort, because it means eventually something will change, and he'll go through the same loss he does every time.
But by the same token, seeing other people take him and put him in a sexual situation is, well, flattering, because it means I created something other people want to work with and enjoy seeing/reading about. So I'm not saying don't do it. I just am saying that 'realistically'... Shi would take a lot of convincing, and probably a rather forceful initial bone-jumping before he'd simply acquiesce to someone's sexual advances.
