May 6, 2024
The speed i went from playing dnd* to being eaten out by a leather daddy I'd never met before tonight was truly astonishing. It was like ten minutes.
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The speed i went from playing dnd* to being eaten out by a leather daddy I'd never met before tonight was truly astonishing. It was like ten minutes.
I have a strong anxiety/trauma response to statements like "I need to talk to you about something" or like "hey can we have a conversation" especially if its a conversation that can't happen immediately. Like i used to burst into tears on the spot. Now i can handle it better but barely. But also now im in relationships that I care about and where i am desperately trying to show up well and communicate well and sometimes conversations need to happen. And people are busy and exhausted and sometimes its not the right time to have conversations. And i find it so so hard to ask to have conversations. And then I don't talk about things I need to talk about. How be brave??
I spent the night with one of my partners and then saw another partner after work and it was so lovely. I feel so loved for the weird little creature I am and it's so wonderful to get to explore being weird and genuine and messy and wow. Wow!
My partner is spending the night at my house tomorrow and I'm so nervous and so excited and trying desperately to clean my room but its like moving through stone. They have been in here they know. And i did manage to vacuum! I'm so protective of my space! I've never had a partner sleep over. And scared of getting them all over it! But also i want them here! But also I have four housemates and the house is not at all sound proof and I really enjoy not having to worry about being loud during sex. And I like getting my ass beat. And why aren't they here now???
This weekend my partner wanted to have a conversation about feelings and I was like please no my hormones are OFF I am not going to do a good job and then we had the conversation anyways and I literally went non verbal. Like I could not speak. It was upsetting. And it kind of felt like they were upset with me that we couldn't really have the conversation and it's like obviously I am trying here. I'm sorry im feral. But anyways then the sex was fire.
And then yesterday I rear ended someone on my way to work because I was spiraling about the conversation. Haha everyones fine but today I got two different estimates for $1500 to fix my poor Baby. Then I went to partner's house on my way to work to get a hug and we didn't have sex cause my period finally started but they did cum in my mouth. And then I went to work and tried not to snap and my confused old lady and called the body place to tell them id give them the amount of money I make in a month.
I was supposed to have a date tonight but then she wasnt feeling great and I've been sick so much recently we decided not to hang out together. So instead she bought us takeout and I picked it up and brought her her food and we hugged and then I went home and we talked on the phone while we ate. I cried a bit during the driving parts because I just wanted to actually be with her so bad but then it was still really sweet and my heart is lighter. And the food was delicious.
Head down ass up at the sex club trying to get railed pondering how I don't have health insurance.