When you find that sunshine in your heart, share it! But don’t let anyone take it away from you.
That’s what I’ve learned at least.
smol rant under the cut related to a friend that I want to help but I can’t get through to...
I’m tired of writing essays all the time, but forget essays, they at least have a conclusion waiting at the end and then they are done. I’m getting tired of trying to convince people who are determined to self-destruct that the world is not as bad a place as they want to think. So this is a reminder to myself of why I chose to dedicate my energy to being positive, because while it can help some people feel better, it definitely helps keep me in a good place too, no matter how hard the days can get. I am not sacrificing the ray of sunshine I found in my heart just because I befriended a poor guy who can’t seem to decide between accepting my help and dragging me down with him. I let one person drag me down to the depths of darkness before and it took me a very long time to get my sorry ass to this point I am at now. I am NOT letting this guy make me go through that shit again. There is a line between being a good friend and doing what I can to help, even if that means running from one end of town to the other to rescue him from a panic attack, and losing myself and the progress I made on my own healing for the sake of trying to heal someone I cannot fix.
I cannot fix him, and I now know that is a fact. It is not because I am lacking in something, it is not because I am not enough. The simple reason is that he begs for help, then refuses it when it is given. Complains when things go to pieces, but doesn’t seem to realise the best way to manage all the problems and reduce them is to actually give his own mind and body the care they need. I’m not even his partner. I am just a friend. And all of this effort, completely one-sided from me to him. He has tried to help me once or twice, but I already know, in the state he is in, he cannot help me productively. And unlike him, I know, somewhat, how to manage myself and my problems, and have faith that everything has something positive in it, even if it is a difficult one to take.
I am growing, and he stubbornly insists that he is stuck, refusing to actually move. I was there a year ago, and hell, making yourself move is one of the most difficult things to do in the world I swear. So I understand the fear of making a change, of trying of fighting forwards and not looking back. Of having faith that you will find more things ahead that are meant for you. People, places, friends. And even if not, if you have faith in yourself, you are your own best friend. You won’t be alone, so long you believe in yourself. This is what I have learnt about me so far. I went from self-hatred to doing my best to love myself, and I am so much better off. It takes time, effort and a lot of blind faith, and there isn’t really a true ‘destination’ per se, it is a journey that never stops. That can scare people. I can see that it scares him.
I will be there for him to guide and encourage when needed, because despite it all, I am determined to be his friend. But I am not abandoning myself in the process, because if I collapse completely again, it’s not like he will be there to pick me back up.
I smile to remember my worth. I smile because I know I deserve to. I smile because no matter what it looks like, I know I have accomplished so much. I smile to give hope to others, because hey, it is free to give and very pleasant to receive. Maybe one day he will learn that he can smile too. I reckon I have begun to show him how. It’s up to him to understand what it means, if he wants to, that is.
Ah idk what this rant even is, but there we go, something off my chest. How I manage to attract toxic people so often, I haven’t a clue. Proooobably need to go fix my boundaries more...