#possibeelities

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Day 7 | bias shirtless

EXO Suho is 😋

Yup, I have a thing for leaders.

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Day 5 | bias in red

Their stylist(s) in Japan promotions should get 👏👏

*Almost* forgot to update today! Preoccupied with school work, re-watching DOTS (really curious and concerned how the Filipino version comes out) and watching TWICE GDA clips ✨🔥

Will queue the rest of the week! Back to reality tomorrow!

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Day 11 and 12 | bias in the airport and her airport fashion ✨👌

I love how she went from sweet and fresh to seductive and mature in the last four years. 

©tto Source: Pinterest

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Day 8 | bias singing

Jihyo in DTNA era is perfection 😍✨

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SaJiDa my biases 😍😍😍

Too bad Chaeyoung isn't feeling well, I would have my TWICE faves in one pic.

I love them all but Jihyo is my ult, Sana is my main wrecker, Dahyun is my funny wrecker and Chaeyoung is my baby wrecker ❤️

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Sleeping Beauty ❤️🥰

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I miss my comfortably uncomfortably old self.

I miss being able to write about random stuff just because...

I miss reading a book so hard I forget the time...

I miss taking long walks and talking to my self... (It’s therapeutic). 

I even miss my ugly cries... (Also therapeutic).

While I am amazed and grateful that I am at a place in my life where I don’t (1) overthink, (2) get anxious and (3) worry about the next thing I need to get done, I find myself a little uncomfortable for being comfortable. 

This is an ongoing struggle, something that’s been quietly but consistently bothering me since I turned 30. 

This year, I turn 32. All I really want is a bike. Seriously.

But then, I also want to know (1) how it feels to be on a date, (2) how it’s like to  have someone look at me with wonder and amazement, (3) how a kiss could feel, (4) how can I be better a teacher, (5) how to be a real writer, (6) where my profession is leading me, (7) how to be more than my usual self, and (8) if I’ll ever be able to find myself beautiful, as opposed to just acceptable, sometimes.

*SIGH*

It’s all moot, though, because after I post this, I’ll let myself stay comfortable, no matter uncomfortable I am about it, because in all honesty, I’d rather me uncomfortably comfortable than anything else. 

And I’m really just fine with missing my old self

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When I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t really like what I see.

So I stop looking.😶

A couple of years back, when I was still a rookie teacher, the faculty I belong in went out together to visit a co-teacher who has just given birth. We were standing right outside the hospital, waiting to know if we can still see here, when a random old woman came up to us, begging for food. I remember her saying some weird comments about each of us. I don’t recall what was said about the others, but I can never forget what she said to me, and these last few years, I keep on remembering it.

She said I was lazy.

Back then, I took this as a joke: I was far from lazy. I was determined, I wanted to get approval, I did beyond what was asked, at the expense of so many other things.

I am turning 32 this year. I have never been in a romantic relationship. Why? The defensive answer would be because I don’t want to be. It’s true though; I enjoy my independence a lot. I don’t like waiting for other people and most of the things I like are done solo, including some that may be more fun with another person/s.

The honest answer, though, is because I am absolutely terrified of being rejected again. I don’t think I can handle it. I have been turned down by guys I was heavily infatuated with. Good thing it wasn’t love. I remember, around the same time that woman came; I also had my worst infatuation. I cried to God to remove the pain, and with it, the feeling.

And He did.

The thing is, I recall most of my 20s as turbulent times of self-discovery. It was just tiring. All aspects of my life was a mess back then; not to say that they aren’t anymore now, but at least I’m getting a steadier footing. My finances are my priority. With my lifestyle, I need to ensure my future.

My second concern is my health. God knows I need to get moving. I used to like walking. The idea of paying for the gym to make sure someone will hold me accountable has come to mind as well, though I am really not into it. I don’t eat a lot, but the stuff I do eat, well… I also need to upgrade that.

The funny/ weird/ annoying thing that has come back from my 20′s is the discomfort I feel for being comfortable with mostly everything. I keep asking myself what I want to change and/ or improve on.

I know it has something to do with how I see myself, physically. I also want a real balance between work, life, and play. I know I also need to stop being afraid, relationship-wise.

I keep on putting off getting these written down. It’s been swirling in my brain for quite a while, and it has hindered me from facing my other responsibilities. I know the ultimate thing I need to do is to get out of my comfort zone. Back in my 20s, I will say that I will, but then I won’t.

I don’t know how to discipline myself. I’m a ten-year professional teacher who disciplines young children every day, but when it comes to my own organization of thoughts, of feelings, of priorities… I put up a front.

I like it when people think I’m organized. I like it when people see me and say that I am reliable because I am organized. Well, maybe not as much this year; my table in the faculty room is a mess. But in other work-related cases, I am in control.

My key thing is that I want to enjoy what I am doing. Life is too damn short to be suffering. I’d rather laugh or be entertained, which now that I am re-reading it, doesn’t seem very realistic.

Life is difficult, and painful, and saddening. It is maddeningly out of our control. Yes, we can control some parts of it, but then, we still need to be vigilant with what can happen outside of our control.

I think my discomfort comes from that knowledge, that as I let my circle of control be in chaos, I am putting myself in great disadvantage once other things outside of my control catch up on me.

I used to love TTDs. Last year, I came up with a system of choosing three top TTDs to accomplish within the day. Once I finish them, I am done for. All of my TTDs are work-related. None addressed my responsibilities at home, or even to my personal needs.

This might be a good place to begin adapting.

In my silent quest to finding happiness again, I have put off stuff that I just couldn’t face, under the semi-lie that I wasn’t feeling well. I am grateful for the people who had my back as I “recuperated”.