911 - post ep 8x17 ficlet
(caveat that this is mostly based on vibes and episode clips)
He's not sure why he's here. Except that he doesn't want to go home. Tells himself it's because he wants to be alone, except if that was true he wouldn't be sitting in his jeep outside of Tommy's house. He'd have gone .... almost literally anywhere else. Tells himself it's because his house is too crowded with Eddie and Chris and Pepa. That's closer to being true. Except it's not Chris or Pepa he's trying to avoid. Pushes it away. He can't deal with it now.
He's not sure why he's here. Outside of Tommy's house. A place he's been, but not often enough to feel comfortable there. Maybe that should have been a clue. That Tommy only ever wanted to see him on Buck's turf, never wanted to invite him in. Never wanted to let Buck poke through his bookshelves, and see what's lurking at the back of his fridge, how messy his hall closet is. Which isn't fair, he'd never asked. Had been happy to just float, take everything one day at a time until he decided to skip about a thousand steps and torpedo the best relationship he's ever had.
He's not sure why he's here, except at the funeral -- at Bobby's funeral -- Tommy had come up to him, made an aborted move like he was going to cup Buck's elbow, hold him steady, and he'd said, "If there's ever anything you need." Half smile. "Well, maybe not a helicopter, I don't think they'll let me steal one a third time."
So he's here. Because he doesn't know where else to go. Doesn't want to intrude on anyone else's grief -- doesn't want to be a bother -- doesn't want to make it all about him. But Tommy had asked.
And he's officially been sitting here too long. One of Tommy's neighbors is going to call the police about the suspicious man casing the neighborhood. Hand on the key, about to the turn the ignition, maybe go back to Bobby's church. Maybe just go to a cafe for a while. Or the beach. He used to like the beach. He should go to a club. That's the best place to not be alone for a night. Except the being alone the next morning is always so much worse.
Jumps out of his skin when there's a tap on the window.
Reluctantly rolls down the window. Has to swallow to get out, "Hey."
"Hey," Tommy says.
He should have brought something with him. A loaf of banana bread or something. Tommy lost someone too.
Forces himself to come up with a reason why he's here that isn't pathetic. "I just, umm, wanted to check on you. Make sure you're doing okay. I know Bobby meant a lot to you too."
Tommy tilts his head, studying Buck, and it's uncomfortable and he shifts uneasily in his seat. "I'm doing okay," Tommy finally says. "Not great, but you know." Shrugs.
"Yeah," he agrees.
Tommy doesn't step away, just keeps studying him with that same evaluating look. "How are you doing?"
"Oh, you know, busy," he says. "Trying to make sure everyone has what they need."
"Hmm," Tommy says. "Do you want to come in?"
He does. Desperately. Says, "No. I should go, Eddie and Chris and Pepa are all at my house. Or, Eddie's house? I guess. I'm not exactly sure right now. Lines are kind of blurred since they're all staying. You know."
"Or you could come in and I could make you tea, since you came all the way out here."
Tommy's house is not that far out, but he's getting out of the jeep and following Tommy up the walk before he really thinks too hard about it. Comes to a stop in Tommy's kitchen, fidgeting, thinking of the two loaves of tea bread in his freezer. He really should have brought Tommy something.
"Do you like banana bread?" he blurts out.
Tommy's hands don't even pause in making tea. "It's okay. I prefer lemon poppy seed. Why?"
Lemon poppy seed. He can do that. Anstell on B shift likes it too, so he'd gone through seven recipes trying to make a perfect loaf during his baking binge.
"Tea," he says, like an explanation.
"Evan," Tommy says softly, and it almost makes him break. Nobody says his name like that. Takes the tea Tommy offers him. Tommy sits opposite him. "Is Eddie staying long?"
He shrugs. Has no idea. "He kind of makes his own hours in El Paso." Chris will need to go back to school though. Eddie will take him back to Texas - home to Texas. He tries not to feel relieved at the thought. It's just because there are so many people in his house, and he's not used to it.
"I'm glad he made it up for the funeral," Tommy says. And oh, this is Tommy making small talk. Looking at Buck like he's a puzzle he's trying to solve, or a bomb he's trying to defuse. He doesn't think he's that complicated. He might be primed to explode though. Mostly he just wants to sleep. Or stop moving. Or fold into himself and cry. Except that everything will still be the same in the morning, so what's the point.
Realizes Tommy's waiting for an answer. "Yeah," he says. And he had been glad. Would have felt unbalanced if Eddie hadn't been there.
He kind of wants Eddie to leave again. Go back to his life. Leave him to start to pick up the pieces of what's left of his.
He's not holding up his end of the conversation. Tries harder. "How have you been?"
Tommy shrugs. "Trying to keep busy." And then, "You asked me that already."
He closes his eyes. "Sorry. I'm kind of all over the place right now."
"When was the last time you slept?"
He has to think about that. He'd had a shift. Before that? He hadn't slept well last night. Hasn't slept well since -- shies away from saying it. Thinking it.
Faint amused huff. "If you have to think that hard, it's been too long."
He blinks. Right. He should leave. Tries to make himself get up. "I'll get out of your hair."
Tommy looks at him. "Or you could take a nap here."
Tommy's house that smells like him. Where he can be surrounded by the comfort of Tommy. "Nap with me?" he asks without thinking. And wants to die. "Shit, sorry. I'm tired. I should go."
"I can do that," Tommy says.
"Why are you being nice to me?" he asks. Sees Tommy recoil a little. "I said terrible things to you and then I called you up to come rescue me, and you did it without even asking any questions, and I realize I never apologized. And now I just showed up again, making myself your problem. And I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to hurt you, but I know I did, and just because I didn't mean to doesn't make it better. And why are you being nice to me?"
Tommy looks at him for a long moment, long enough that Buck doesn't think he's going to answer. and then he traces a thumb down Buck's cheek and he wants to lean into it. "Because I'm in love with you. And you're hurting. And this is something I can do."
And, oh. He tries to remember if anyone's ever said anything like that to him before.
"Me too," he says, just before Tommy's face starts to shutter, and watches disbelief and hope and wariness chase each other across his face. Reaches for Tommy's hand. "I'm in love with you too." Yawns obnoxiously wide, no hiding it.
"Okay, I definitely think we should talk about that more, but maybe after that nap."
He wants so badly. "You'll stay?"
Tommy's eyes close for a beat, and then reopen, looking at him. "I'll stay. I promise."
