‘If You Were Gay’ - Avenue Q - a Beca & Fat Amy reimagining..
A/N: Based on the song ‘If You Were Gay’ from the musical ‘Avenue Q’: https://youtu.be/BuR5YMyfeNI
[Setting - Brooklyn. Beca, Chloe & Fat Amy’s studio apartment. Two years after graduation.]
[Beca is sat on the fold-out bed she shares with Chloe, watching ‘Wynonna Earp’ on her laptop. Fat Amy strides into the apartment and Beca scrambles to pause the TV show, then let’s out a sigh of relief when she sees it’s just Amy.]
Beca: Oh! Hey Amy. I thought you were Chloe..
Fat Amy: And that’d be a bad thing?
[Beca seems to hesitate, biting her bottom lip, then she rolls her eyes]
Beca: ..okay don’t tell Chloe but I’ve got stuck in the vortex that is binge-watching Wynonna Earp-
[Fat Amy gasps as she throws her bag onto her bed]
Beca: -and I know I know Chloe’s gonna go crazy if she finds out I’ve been watching it without her but it’s so good dude!!
[Fat Amy turns to her best friend and raises her eyebrows. Because she knows exactly why Beca watches that show, and it’s not for the CGI. It’s for the women. She’s heard Beca comment on many an occasion how hot the actresses are.]
Fat Amy: Admiring the acting huh?
[Beca seems to hesitate, looking down at her laptop screen, fidgeting a little uncomfortably, purposefully not looking at Fat Amy.]
Beca: Uh yeah...yeah of course...
[Fat Amy makes her way over to the tiny kitchen to make herself a hot chocolate. Beca frowns as she looks up from her laptop.]
Beca: Mmmhmm? What’s that supposed to mean?
Fat Amy: *shrugs* Nothing..
[Fat Amy sets everything up for a hot chocolate then waits for the milk to heat up.]
Fat Amy: Hey Beca, you’ll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning. This girl was smiling at me and talking to me...
[Beca seems unimpressed and tries to ignore her, looking back down at her laptop.]
Beca: Mmm that’s very interesting.
Fat Amy: ...she was being really friendly to me and, ha, I think she was coming on to me...
[Beca furrows her brow, glancing to her left at nothing in particular, as if trying to process what Amy was suggesting. Amy, meanwhile, turns to lean her back against the kitchen worksurface and look at Beca on the fold-out bed.]
Fat Amy: ...I think she might have thought that I was gay!
[Amy raises her eyebrows but Beca doesn’t look at her, instead looking intently at her laptop again.]
Beca: *clears throat uncomfortably* So wh-why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don’t care! What did you have for lunch today?
Fat Amy: You don’t have to get all defensive about it Be-
[Beca quickly snaps her head up to glare at Amy.]
Beca: -I’M NOT GETTING DEFENSIVE!
[Amy raises her eyebrows and Beca swallows loudly, shrugging, her voice softening but she still looks annoyed.]
Beca: Why should I care about some gay chick you met okay? I’m trying to watch TV.
Fat Amy: Well I didn’t mean anything by it Beca, I just think it’s something that we should be able to talk about.
Beca: Well I don’t want to talk about it Amy! This conversation is over.
Fat Amy: Well okay, but just so you know...
[Fat Amy turns and goes to add her warm milk to the hot chocolate mix.]
“If you were gay, that’d be okay. I mean cos hey, I’d like you anyway.”
[Beca looks up from her laptop at Amy with an unimpressed expression but Amy continues making her hot chocolate.]
“Because you see, if it were me, I would feel free to say that I was gay (but I’m not gay!)”
[Beca glares at her laptop screen, trying to ignore Amy when the Australian turns to grin at her, stirring her hot chocolate in her mug with a spoon.]
Beca: Amy, please, I’m trying to watch this show!
[After several pauses Beca looks up at Amy. Amy is grinning at her enthusiastically and Beca is confused by her expression.]
[Beca groans and throws her face into her hands while Amy continues to sing.]
Beca: Amy I’m trying to watch this show!
“because you’re dear to me.”
[Beca groans again, staring intently at her laptop screen, but Amy has started to slowly walking towards Beca singing louder.]
“If I told you today ‘hey guess what, I’m gay!’ (but I’m not gay!)”
[Amy places her mug of hot chocolate down on Beca’s bedside table and plonks herself down on the fold-out bed.]
“I’m happyyy just being with yooou!”
[Fat Amy throws her arm around her best friend’s shoulders and rocks her from side to side merrily. Beca is highly unimpressed.]
Beca: *mutters to distract herself from how embarrassing Amy is being* Chloe will be home in an hour. Just an hour. Just one hour to go-
“So what does it matter to me what you do in bed with girls?”
[Beca screws her face up]
[Fat Amy stands, grinning at her best friend enthusiastically]
“If you were gay, I’d shout HOORAY! And here I’d stay-“
[Beca brings her fingers up to her ears to block them while she scrunches her eyes closed.]
“But I wouldn’t get in your way.”
[Beca watches in horror as the door to the apartment opens and Chloe arrives home, stunned by Fat Amy’s singing. The Australian doesn’t notice and instead begins to do some sort of can-can dance with jazz hands.]
“You can count on meee, to always beee”
“Beside you every day, to tell you it’s okay, you were just born that way, and as they say it’s in your DNA,”
[Beca’s hands are holding her brown hair back in dispair while she looks at Chloe who is looking at Amy with an amused expression, still stood motionless in the doorway of their apartment.]
[Chloe’s mouth drops open and Beca panics, holding her hands out at Amy to try to get her to stop.]
[Fat Amy fortunately stops singing and holds her index finger up to make a point.]
Fat Amy: If you were gay!
[Beca throws her hands back to her face, mortified because she actually has a huge crush on Chloe but hasn’t found the confidence to even slightly brooch the subject with the redhead, even though they share a bed and flirt like crazy. Fat Amy is slightly out of breath from all the singing and dancing. She turns and notices Chloe in the doorway.]
[Chloe closes the door cautiously behind her, smiling awkwardly at Fat Amy then at Beca. Beca is peering at her from between her fingers.]
Chloe: I missed a lot today huh..