#postthing

[sonthing]

ive been trying to write erotic audio scripts but its kinda hard because i always feel like im writing something dumb. i like my concepts but ultimately being an ideas guy is worthless. i got like 47 written ideas right now JUST WRITE SOMETHING ok

[reluctantneurotic]

My Phone Was Stolen Today

[December 17, 2017]

[I wrote it down, but I’m to bummed out to type it out so here it is]

[reluctantneurotic]

Sleep?

[July 8, 2017; 0630 - 0730AM]

For the past few months, I have been taking prescribed medications, one of which is supposed to help things be more right with my Circadian rhythm. So far, it hasn’t been able to do much good. From making me wake up too early or too groggy to function, there’s never been a good enough middle ground to work with.

I feel asleep after 1 AM today and I woke up some time around 6 AM. Right now, I’m hungry and nobody’s awake to help me make the breakfast we planned for last night. Right now, I still feel  a little tired, but my back feels a little sore from awkward sleeping positions. Right now, I have one question on my mind: do I want to go back to sleep right now?

As I’ve mentioned before on this blog, I am not a morning person. I enjoy the primal nature of the late night when we are less bound by our inhibitions and left alone with ourselves to play with (which I of course do in a safe space where I can’t be harmed as easily). That’s one of the reasons I’ve been staying up all night a lot other than trying to cram for a school requirement.

On the other hand, I do enjoy the early morning sunrise as well (which I believe takes place from around 5-6 AM to around 8 to 9 AM). It’s peaceful. It’s “fresh,” as it’s a reminder that it’s a new day where things can happen (as opposed to sunsets, which remind you that you probably did nothing much today). It does this thing where it shines just right for those neat little rays of light to do that thing where it shines through the curtains and trees visibly. It’s not dark. It’s not too bright, as those few hours when the sun is directly overhead (specifically 9 AM to 3 PM). People are still just rising up to start their day and things aren’t getting too busy yet. It’s not too quiet nor is it too loud (as long as you don’t open the TV to a morning program, especially in the Philippines). It hits that sweet spot of the nothingness and the everything-ness of the day. I hope that last statement made sense one way or another.

Both of these seem appealing, but staying up all night to enjoy both is too much, and I can only choose to enjoy one.

Another aspect I’ve been considering is what I could get done at this point in time. Should I just get up and deal with the day, as the sunrise would probably make it harder to go back to sleep. It’s appealing, as I could get more things done today, but I still would only have gotten around five hours of sleep, which is not enough. Also, not enough people are up yet for breakfast to officially happen. On the other hand, as I have only gotten five hours of sleep, I should just try to go back to sleep. However, I’m already hungry for breakfast, I’m too awake to do this, and we’re having sausages today.

This is not the first time I've encountered this conundrum (as you could probably tell). Normally, when I try to go back to sleep, I wake up at noon, which is too late more a lot of people. Doing the other option would normally lead me to being to tired to function around noon and having to take a nap which will lead me to wake up after sunset, making it harder for me to go to sleep later on.

Should I go back to sleep? I don’t really know.

[reluctantneurotic]

Me, My Catholic Mom, & My Homosexuality

[June 21, 2017 - delayed - July 5, 2017]

(Rather Ramble-y)

I grew up in a Catholic household in a mostly Catholic country. I still remember when as a child, I watched my parents fulfill Lector/Commentator roles during Mass. We occasionally pray the rosary, though we used to more regularly, and we still partake in Lenten traditions one way or another. Until now, images of Jesus, Mary, and other Bible greats are scattered throughout the house.

Out of all of us, my mom is one of the most devout. Though we have a main altar in the hallway, she has a secondary altar next to her bed. It features a couple of her Christian idols, St. Therese of the Child Jesus and St. Padre Pio. I remember my dad telling me that she prayed the rosary every night to help her go to sleep, though I’m not so sure she gets to do that as much nowadays, with work getting hectic. She has gone on pilgrimages to holy sites in the past in fulfillment of her role as a “staff member” of the Church (I know there’s a specific term for this, but I forgot what it is and I’m too lazy to find it out).

Despite her faith, she is one of the most blunt, loud-mouthed, and hyperactive people I know. At a glance, she doesn’t look like the average Filipino Conservative Catholic Woman™. Her voice is one of the loudest in the house and she’s not afraid to talk about touchy subjects whether we like to talk about them or not. She has this habit of snooping around on my phone to see if I was flirting with anyone. She’s a smoker (she’s trying to quit nowadays) and Church personnel still have to give her shawls during Mass as she tends to forget to wear appropriate tops for the occasion. Just for fun, she let my five year old nephew drink beer. Recently, she casually just started asking me about how my literal shit has been doing. I was too embarrassed to give a proper answer.

[Even with all this raunchiness, she still usually playfully acts like a little kid, which may explain the little addition she added to a draft of this post that she found.]

Although these are all true, she still has a special place in her heart for Jesus Christ.

- - -

I came out to my parents last year.

I was afraid to open up as my existence, according to many Christians out there, is shameful and an automatic ticket to eternal damnation in hell. With all the religious imagery in our house, I felt like I was being looked down upon by every single one of them. I’m still trying to feel like I belong and I’m still trying to find a place where I can be accepted for who I am. Unfortunately, in every time I’ve tried, from Catholic Mass to Born Again Services, I still feel like I shouldn’t be here. I’ve always believed that my being stops me from fully giving myself to the community and doing what I could to reach out.

Even with people like Fr. James Martin, S.J. and Danton Remoto saying that being gay is okay, even if you’re a Christian, it never seemed like I was able to have a personal relationship with Him one way or another because of who I am as a person. I always felt like I was not part of the chosen people to be saved and I will never be.

Surprisingly, they took it quite well. Most of their response can be summed up by the statement, “It’s okay. It’s not that controversial in today’s world.” I really didn’t expect this, especially since I had the moment my dad stated that someone on television looked “gay” floating in my mind (he said he didn’t really mean that and I feel like he told the truth).

A couple days later, my mom saw that I had my hair cut short. Given I had somewhat long hair before that, she jokingly said that I didn’t look “gay” anymore. Knowing that I had already come out, I knew she was just joking and we just hugged it out.

She was really accepting about who I was, eventually reaching the point that her usual playful “Huwag kang mambababae” [“Don’t flirt with girls”] comments evolved into “Huwag kang manlalalaki” [“Don’t flirt with guys”].

- - -

Recently, I asked if we could go to a local Pride parade.

She said yes. She also wished to bring my grandmother to the “parada ng mga bakla” [“gay parade”] because it would be a lot of fun.

Later on, I realized how much of a delicate figurative tightrope I was treading on right now. With the dual nature of my mom, things didn’t seem as straightforward as she would seem, depite her apparent enthusiasm. Though she did vocally comment about wanting a stripper for her 60th birthday, she would make me avert my gaze when we would pass by sex shops. Though she’s accepting of the LGBT+ community (with her having many friends who are not so subtle about their sexuality/gender identity), I would still see her reading from a prayer card from time to time after mass. She did tell me that everyone expresses their faith differently and I guess that would be true for the religious LGBT+ community, but I’m not sure how far her limits go.

At least my conservative, pro-life dad would normally have discussions with me about this and consult with me whenever there was something that eluded him (such as the difference between gay and transgender).

- - -

To be honest, I’m not really sure where she stands on certain topics. I’m not sure she even has a stance at all, as she once told me that thinking about current events/issues is exhausting and there’s not really as much time for that. As a result, bringing up topics like this is kind of a big deal for me, especially since I’m not really sure how willing she is for me to define my identity in terms of my sexuality, but as long as I keep it somewhat low key, she’ll always be that cocky over-enthusiastic puppy dog of a mom of mine.

I hope things turn out okay.

[reluctantneurotic]

I’m Still Here

[July 5, 2017]

Quick Update: I have a couple posts coming up, so stay tuned.

- F.V.

[reluctantneurotic]

2016 (again).

[December 26, 2016]

{This is a followup to an earlier post}

Hello there, me from earlier this year! 2016 is about to end right now, and after all that happened, I can say that your initial feelings about the year are well-deserved as this was what many consider to be one of the worst years in recent history.

Based on the date logged into this post, I can guess that you already know that people like David Bowie, German Moreno (or “Kuya Germs”), and Alan Rickman have died. You know that water in Flint, Michigan contains dangerous amounts of lead and that the stuff between the Bundy family and authorities are still going as there was a standoff in Oregon as well. Because of these, and the big events that were certainly going to happen this year, you already felt great unease when thinking about the year, but this would get even worse as the year goes on.

First of all, Rodrigo Duterte, the person with the private death squad, wins the Philippine presidential election, and though Leni Robredo, the VP choice you wanted to win does win, it doesn’t change the fact that the country chose to give the highest position of authority and that millions of people have suffered (and are still suffering) the consequences. His success in the election would eventually lead to Ferdinand Marcos, the dictator who took complete control of the country back in the 70s and 80s will be buried at the country’s Heroes’ Cemetery, thus going against his promises of ridding corruption in the Philippine government. This would also lead to a police officer running over protesters and being treated as the “victim” of this entire debacle. If you wanted to know how Miriam Defensor-Santiago would be as president, you’ll probably not be able to see it manifest in reality as she would pass away due to cancer later in the year.

If the Philippine election was something to get worried about, you probably would be mortified by the US election, as Donald Trump, who at the time you wrote that piece still didn’t seem like he would win, is elected the next president. One of the reasons being alleged interference of Rusia in the election and the chosen Democratic candidate being Hillary Clinton, which made a lot of people unsure about whether or not good would come from any of the choices they would make. Sure Hillary Clinton is experienced in the industry, but she still is rather doubtful in her intentions and she also did play a part in the sabotage of Bernie Sanders’ campaign. All the chaos that happens in this election would lead to many rather colorful responses to the candidates’ various gaffes and blunders, especially on Vine. I’m not really sure how people who were jokingly “for” Trump in these reactions would react to Trump’s shocking win as it is kinda weird thinking about what we considered to be a joke actually becoming a reality. Also, I wouldn’t really know since Vine, the platform where most of these reactions were uploaded, would be “shut down” later this year.

The Rio Olympics did happen, and it fortunately went along rather smoothly despite the initial controversies regarding Rio’s preparation for the events and the Russian team’s doping allegations. Based on the closing performances, it seems that the next host country, Japan, would probably be able to handle it more effectively. The team of refugees that participated show that the refugee crisis is still a thing and it’s still pretty screwed up. The fate of millions of people are still on the line especially due to a couple of things.

First off, Britain broke itself off from the European Union in the right-motivated “Brexit”, bringing forth a lot of uncertainty in regards to the future of the immigrants who established lives there. The stigma against refugees and Muslims also became stronger due to events like the Orlando shootout, where a gunman of Muslim upbringing killed 49 people and injured 53 others in a gay nightclub in Orlando. People in trucks ramming into crowds of people was a thing in Nice, France and Berlin, while an airport in Brussels, Belgium was also affected due to a explosion that rocked the establishment.

Muslims and Refugees weren’t the only minorities targeted by hate and conflict, as the shootings of Alton Sterling, Keith Lamont Scott, and Philando Castile would put the relations between black people and law enforcement into question, especially with the latter’s death being livestreamed on Facebook.

Though most of the controversies this year were involved the state of minorities, there are other events that also happened as well. Mother Teresa becomes a saint despite allegations of glorifying suffering over helping others. Turkey would have a failed coup d’etat against Erdoğan and after years of battle with pro-Assad government forces and Russian intervention that led to the bombing of civilian areas and many innocent people killed and injured, rebel forces would fall to the oppressors. This would lead to the shooting of the Russian ambassador to Turkey in December. Samsung would come under fire after many units of the Samsung Galaxy Note 7 burst into flames. Killer clown sightings would also become a thing in the US as well. Regulation of trademarks and copyright will also become controversial, especially with the debacle with the Fine Brothers, who tried to trademark reaction videos and even the word “react”, and #WTFU. Taylos Swift became a controversial name in the music industry, with her relationship with Tom Hiddleston and her feuds with Calvin Harris and Kanye West. Kesha’s turbulent legal battle with her manager will also entr the spotlight. Indonesia, Italy, and Japan would experience earthquakes this year while a three year old boy falling into a zoo’s gorilla enclosure would lead to the controversial death of Harambe, a rare Western Lowland gorilla. It would also be revealed that Wells Fargo secretly transferred money from people’s accounts to phony accounts while still charging said people for these fake accounts. Apple would also confusingly remove the headphone port from the iPhone 7 and make things more complicated for Apple users. No Man’s Sky will become a controversial game as disappointment from the fan community and the incapacity of the development team in their response raised tensions between the two parties.

Bowie and Rickman would not be the only deaths this year, as Prince, Muhammad Ali, Gene Wilder, Fidel Castro, Lilia Cuntapay, and George Michael will also die while Carrie Fisher would be placed in critical condition after a heart attack. Not only that, but a plane carrying Brazil’s Chapecoense soccer team will crash, killing many of those on board.

Not only was the outside world affected by controversy and conflict, your life was also very turbulent as well. The first semester of your third year in college will be the most tired you will ever be so far, even with your Theology class being postponed to next semester. You’ll unfortunately end up failing to finish and submit a final project to one of your classes because of this. You’ll also become rather financially unstable especially with in-app purchases to that game you may or may not be playing right now. You’ll also be involved in the business ventures of one of your brother’s friends and these can get unstable at times. Your AISIS password will also become a big thing after you forget it while undergoing manual class enlistment. You’ll be questioning your involvement in school orgs as your membership status in one and your capacity and involvement in another will come into question. A lot of your beliefs and opinions will be challenged and you’ll be going through these moments of self-questioning. A brother of yours will be leaving for Japan and will be there until December 2017. After several panic attacks, you’ll decide to change medication. Most important of all, this would be the year you almost drowned.

Whether things just came about this year or tensions and circumstances have been bubbling up in the background for some time, there’s no denying that this will be a turbulent year for everyone and that feeling of dread and unease with the future will be lingering for some more time whether you like it or not. Things are getting real and in kind of a twisted way, you’ll finally be able to fulfill your lowkey dream to be part of a huge historical event.

Despite all this, there are still some good things that happened this year that you might overlook. Protests over the Dakota Access Pipeline will be successful in stopping the construction on the sacred ground and sole water source of a Native American tribe. The Cubs will win the world series and Leonardo DiCaprio will finally win an Oscar. Flipping water bottles will be fun and Pokemon Go will also be a huge hit, even if the hype doesn’t last that long. Pokemon celebrates its 20th Anniversary and releases Pokemon Sun and Moon at the same time. Final Fantasy XV and Overwatch will become big games and will also become a big part of your life as well. Firewatch will also be a rather interesting game in the market. You’ll love some movies like Deadpool, Zootopia, Captain America: Civil War, and Doctor Strange. Stranger Things and Westworld will be television bigs, while Yuri on Ice and Full Frontal with Sam Bee will be more fun shows for you to watch.

Your personal life will also be pretty interesting as some opportunities and experiences would be popping up in your life. You’re gonna be making an audiovisual presentation for your mom’s 60th birthday while being able to stay at the City of Dreams as well. You’ll have some big advances in developing your art skills and as said earlier, you’ll be commissioned to make menus, signages, and logos for various food stalls and restaurants. Coming out to your parents will be pretty okay too. You’re gonna learn some Japanese and Best of all, you’re going to Japan to visit your brother and celebrate New Year. Even without a proper itinerary, it’s still going to be pretty cool. Don’t forget you’re gonna turn 20 this year.

So yeah.

Life is going to be a bigger emotional rollercoaster in the years to come. Despite all that has happened and all that will happen, you’re gonna get through this. You and many other people in the world are going to face the next years like warriors and fight for what you believe in. Though that unease and fear for the future will still be there, you’re going to be part of something big and it will be the chance for you and many others to make a change in the world.

It’s gonna get tense, so get ready.

P.S. You’ll get a couple VR headsets for your phone and you’ll realize that you’re not really that interested in VR tech as you thought you were.

[stacisf-blog]

idk I'm fuckin’ BOARD!

[reluctantneurotic]

Some Realizations After A Panic Attack.

[October 3, 2016] - Lying on the ground helps me "ground" myself (pun intended) - Turning on the lights calmed me down - I might be taking the wrong medication