it just is

just some ramble blog.

[reluctantneurotic]

My Phone Was Stolen Today

[December 17, 2017]

[I wrote it down, but I’m to bummed out to type it out so here it is]

[reluctantneurotic]

Sleep?

[July 8, 2017; 0630 - 0730AM]

For the past few months, I have been taking prescribed medications, one of which is supposed to help things be more right with my Circadian rhythm. So far, it hasn’t been able to do much good. From making me wake up too early or too groggy to function, there’s never been a good enough middle ground to work with.

I feel asleep after 1 AM today and I woke up some time around 6 AM. Right now, I’m hungry and nobody’s awake to help me make the breakfast we planned for last night. Right now, I still feel  a little tired, but my back feels a little sore from awkward sleeping positions. Right now, I have one question on my mind: do I want to go back to sleep right now?

As I’ve mentioned before on this blog, I am not a morning person. I enjoy the primal nature of the late night when we are less bound by our inhibitions and left alone with ourselves to play with (which I of course do in a safe space where I can’t be harmed as easily). That’s one of the reasons I’ve been staying up all night a lot other than trying to cram for a school requirement.

On the other hand, I do enjoy the early morning sunrise as well (which I believe takes place from around 5-6 AM to around 8 to 9 AM). It’s peaceful. It’s “fresh,” as it’s a reminder that it’s a new day where things can happen (as opposed to sunsets, which remind you that you probably did nothing much today). It does this thing where it shines just right for those neat little rays of light to do that thing where it shines through the curtains and trees visibly. It’s not dark. It’s not too bright, as those few hours when the sun is directly overhead (specifically 9 AM to 3 PM). People are still just rising up to start their day and things aren’t getting too busy yet. It’s not too quiet nor is it too loud (as long as you don’t open the TV to a morning program, especially in the Philippines). It hits that sweet spot of the nothingness and the everything-ness of the day. I hope that last statement made sense one way or another.

Both of these seem appealing, but staying up all night to enjoy both is too much, and I can only choose to enjoy one.

Another aspect I’ve been considering is what I could get done at this point in time. Should I just get up and deal with the day, as the sunrise would probably make it harder to go back to sleep. It’s appealing, as I could get more things done today, but I still would only have gotten around five hours of sleep, which is not enough. Also, not enough people are up yet for breakfast to officially happen. On the other hand, as I have only gotten five hours of sleep, I should just try to go back to sleep. However, I’m already hungry for breakfast, I’m too awake to do this, and we’re having sausages today.

This is not the first time I've encountered this conundrum (as you could probably tell). Normally, when I try to go back to sleep, I wake up at noon, which is too late more a lot of people. Doing the other option would normally lead me to being to tired to function around noon and having to take a nap which will lead me to wake up after sunset, making it harder for me to go to sleep later on.

Should I go back to sleep? I don’t really know.

[reluctantneurotic]

Me, My Catholic Mom, & My Homosexuality

[June 21, 2017 - delayed - July 5, 2017]

(Rather Ramble-y)

I grew up in a Catholic household in a mostly Catholic country. I still remember when as a child, I watched my parents fulfill Lector/Commentator roles during Mass. We occasionally pray the rosary, though we used to more regularly, and we still partake in Lenten traditions one way or another. Until now, images of Jesus, Mary, and other Bible greats are scattered throughout the house.

Out of all of us, my mom is one of the most devout. Though we have a main altar in the hallway, she has a secondary altar next to her bed. It features a couple of her Christian idols, St. Therese of the Child Jesus and St. Padre Pio. I remember my dad telling me that she prayed the rosary every night to help her go to sleep, though I’m not so sure she gets to do that as much nowadays, with work getting hectic. She has gone on pilgrimages to holy sites in the past in fulfillment of her role as a “staff member” of the Church (I know there’s a specific term for this, but I forgot what it is and I’m too lazy to find it out).

Despite her faith, she is one of the most blunt, loud-mouthed, and hyperactive people I know. At a glance, she doesn’t look like the average Filipino Conservative Catholic Woman™. Her voice is one of the loudest in the house and she’s not afraid to talk about touchy subjects whether we like to talk about them or not. She has this habit of snooping around on my phone to see if I was flirting with anyone. She’s a smoker (she’s trying to quit nowadays) and Church personnel still have to give her shawls during Mass as she tends to forget to wear appropriate tops for the occasion. Just for fun, she let my five year old nephew drink beer. Recently, she casually just started asking me about how my literal shit has been doing. I was too embarrassed to give a proper answer.

[Even with all this raunchiness, she still usually playfully acts like a little kid, which may explain the little addition she added to a draft of this post that she found.]

Although these are all true, she still has a special place in her heart for Jesus Christ.

- - -

I came out to my parents last year.

I was afraid to open up as my existence, according to many Christians out there, is shameful and an automatic ticket to eternal damnation in hell. With all the religious imagery in our house, I felt like I was being looked down upon by every single one of them. I’m still trying to feel like I belong and I’m still trying to find a place where I can be accepted for who I am. Unfortunately, in every time I’ve tried, from Catholic Mass to Born Again Services, I still feel like I shouldn’t be here. I’ve always believed that my being stops me from fully giving myself to the community and doing what I could to reach out.

Even with people like Fr. James Martin, S.J. and Danton Remoto saying that being gay is okay, even if you’re a Christian, it never seemed like I was able to have a personal relationship with Him one way or another because of who I am as a person. I always felt like I was not part of the chosen people to be saved and I will never be.

Surprisingly, they took it quite well. Most of their response can be summed up by the statement, “It’s okay. It’s not that controversial in today’s world.” I really didn’t expect this, especially since I had the moment my dad stated that someone on television looked “gay” floating in my mind (he said he didn’t really mean that and I feel like he told the truth).

A couple days later, my mom saw that I had my hair cut short. Given I had somewhat long hair before that, she jokingly said that I didn’t look “gay” anymore. Knowing that I had already come out, I knew she was just joking and we just hugged it out.

She was really accepting about who I was, eventually reaching the point that her usual playful “Huwag kang mambababae” [“Don’t flirt with girls”] comments evolved into “Huwag kang manlalalaki” [“Don’t flirt with guys”].

- - -

Recently, I asked if we could go to a local Pride parade.

She said yes. She also wished to bring my grandmother to the “parada ng mga bakla” [“gay parade”] because it would be a lot of fun.

Later on, I realized how much of a delicate figurative tightrope I was treading on right now. With the dual nature of my mom, things didn’t seem as straightforward as she would seem, depite her apparent enthusiasm. Though she did vocally comment about wanting a stripper for her 60th birthday, she would make me avert my gaze when we would pass by sex shops. Though she’s accepting of the LGBT+ community (with her having many friends who are not so subtle about their sexuality/gender identity), I would still see her reading from a prayer card from time to time after mass. She did tell me that everyone expresses their faith differently and I guess that would be true for the religious LGBT+ community, but I’m not sure how far her limits go.

At least my conservative, pro-life dad would normally have discussions with me about this and consult with me whenever there was something that eluded him (such as the difference between gay and transgender).

- - -

To be honest, I’m not really sure where she stands on certain topics. I’m not sure she even has a stance at all, as she once told me that thinking about current events/issues is exhausting and there’s not really as much time for that. As a result, bringing up topics like this is kind of a big deal for me, especially since I’m not really sure how willing she is for me to define my identity in terms of my sexuality, but as long as I keep it somewhat low key, she’ll always be that cocky over-enthusiastic puppy dog of a mom of mine.

I hope things turn out okay.

[reluctantneurotic]

I’m Still Here

[July 5, 2017]

Quick Update: I have a couple posts coming up, so stay tuned.

- F.V.

[reluctantneurotic]

2016 (again).

[December 26, 2016]

{This is a followup to an earlier post}

Hello there, me from earlier this year! 2016 is about to end right now, and after all that happened, I can say that your initial feelings about the year are well-deserved as this was what many consider to be one of the worst years in recent history.

Based on the date logged into this post, I can guess that you already know that people like David Bowie, German Moreno (or “Kuya Germs”), and Alan Rickman have died. You know that water in Flint, Michigan contains dangerous amounts of lead and that the stuff between the Bundy family and authorities are still going as there was a standoff in Oregon as well. Because of these, and the big events that were certainly going to happen this year, you already felt great unease when thinking about the year, but this would get even worse as the year goes on.

First of all, Rodrigo Duterte, the person with the private death squad, wins the Philippine presidential election, and though Leni Robredo, the VP choice you wanted to win does win, it doesn’t change the fact that the country chose to give the highest position of authority and that millions of people have suffered (and are still suffering) the consequences. His success in the election would eventually lead to Ferdinand Marcos, the dictator who took complete control of the country back in the 70s and 80s will be buried at the country’s Heroes’ Cemetery, thus going against his promises of ridding corruption in the Philippine government. This would also lead to a police officer running over protesters and being treated as the “victim” of this entire debacle. If you wanted to know how Miriam Defensor-Santiago would be as president, you’ll probably not be able to see it manifest in reality as she would pass away due to cancer later in the year.

If the Philippine election was something to get worried about, you probably would be mortified by the US election, as Donald Trump, who at the time you wrote that piece still didn’t seem like he would win, is elected the next president. One of the reasons being alleged interference of Rusia in the election and the chosen Democratic candidate being Hillary Clinton, which made a lot of people unsure about whether or not good would come from any of the choices they would make. Sure Hillary Clinton is experienced in the industry, but she still is rather doubtful in her intentions and she also did play a part in the sabotage of Bernie Sanders’ campaign. All the chaos that happens in this election would lead to many rather colorful responses to the candidates’ various gaffes and blunders, especially on Vine. I’m not really sure how people who were jokingly “for” Trump in these reactions would react to Trump’s shocking win as it is kinda weird thinking about what we considered to be a joke actually becoming a reality. Also, I wouldn’t really know since Vine, the platform where most of these reactions were uploaded, would be “shut down” later this year.

The Rio Olympics did happen, and it fortunately went along rather smoothly despite the initial controversies regarding Rio’s preparation for the events and the Russian team’s doping allegations. Based on the closing performances, it seems that the next host country, Japan, would probably be able to handle it more effectively. The team of refugees that participated show that the refugee crisis is still a thing and it’s still pretty screwed up. The fate of millions of people are still on the line especially due to a couple of things.

First off, Britain broke itself off from the European Union in the right-motivated “Brexit”, bringing forth a lot of uncertainty in regards to the future of the immigrants who established lives there. The stigma against refugees and Muslims also became stronger due to events like the Orlando shootout, where a gunman of Muslim upbringing killed 49 people and injured 53 others in a gay nightclub in Orlando. People in trucks ramming into crowds of people was a thing in Nice, France and Berlin, while an airport in Brussels, Belgium was also affected due to a explosion that rocked the establishment.

Muslims and Refugees weren’t the only minorities targeted by hate and conflict, as the shootings of Alton Sterling, Keith Lamont Scott, and Philando Castile would put the relations between black people and law enforcement into question, especially with the latter’s death being livestreamed on Facebook.

Though most of the controversies this year were involved the state of minorities, there are other events that also happened as well. Mother Teresa becomes a saint despite allegations of glorifying suffering over helping others. Turkey would have a failed coup d’etat against Erdoğan and after years of battle with pro-Assad government forces and Russian intervention that led to the bombing of civilian areas and many innocent people killed and injured, rebel forces would fall to the oppressors. This would lead to the shooting of the Russian ambassador to Turkey in December. Samsung would come under fire after many units of the Samsung Galaxy Note 7 burst into flames. Killer clown sightings would also become a thing in the US as well. Regulation of trademarks and copyright will also become controversial, especially with the debacle with the Fine Brothers, who tried to trademark reaction videos and even the word “react”, and #WTFU. Taylos Swift became a controversial name in the music industry, with her relationship with Tom Hiddleston and her feuds with Calvin Harris and Kanye West. Kesha’s turbulent legal battle with her manager will also entr the spotlight. Indonesia, Italy, and Japan would experience earthquakes this year while a three year old boy falling into a zoo’s gorilla enclosure would lead to the controversial death of Harambe, a rare Western Lowland gorilla. It would also be revealed that Wells Fargo secretly transferred money from people’s accounts to phony accounts while still charging said people for these fake accounts. Apple would also confusingly remove the headphone port from the iPhone 7 and make things more complicated for Apple users. No Man’s Sky will become a controversial game as disappointment from the fan community and the incapacity of the development team in their response raised tensions between the two parties.

Bowie and Rickman would not be the only deaths this year, as Prince, Muhammad Ali, Gene Wilder, Fidel Castro, Lilia Cuntapay, and George Michael will also die while Carrie Fisher would be placed in critical condition after a heart attack. Not only that, but a plane carrying Brazil’s Chapecoense soccer team will crash, killing many of those on board.

Not only was the outside world affected by controversy and conflict, your life was also very turbulent as well. The first semester of your third year in college will be the most tired you will ever be so far, even with your Theology class being postponed to next semester. You’ll unfortunately end up failing to finish and submit a final project to one of your classes because of this. You’ll also become rather financially unstable especially with in-app purchases to that game you may or may not be playing right now. You’ll also be involved in the business ventures of one of your brother’s friends and these can get unstable at times. Your AISIS password will also become a big thing after you forget it while undergoing manual class enlistment. You’ll be questioning your involvement in school orgs as your membership status in one and your capacity and involvement in another will come into question. A lot of your beliefs and opinions will be challenged and you’ll be going through these moments of self-questioning. A brother of yours will be leaving for Japan and will be there until December 2017. After several panic attacks, you’ll decide to change medication. Most important of all, this would be the year you almost drowned.

Whether things just came about this year or tensions and circumstances have been bubbling up in the background for some time, there’s no denying that this will be a turbulent year for everyone and that feeling of dread and unease with the future will be lingering for some more time whether you like it or not. Things are getting real and in kind of a twisted way, you’ll finally be able to fulfill your lowkey dream to be part of a huge historical event.

Despite all this, there are still some good things that happened this year that you might overlook. Protests over the Dakota Access Pipeline will be successful in stopping the construction on the sacred ground and sole water source of a Native American tribe. The Cubs will win the world series and Leonardo DiCaprio will finally win an Oscar. Flipping water bottles will be fun and Pokemon Go will also be a huge hit, even if the hype doesn’t last that long. Pokemon celebrates its 20th Anniversary and releases Pokemon Sun and Moon at the same time. Final Fantasy XV and Overwatch will become big games and will also become a big part of your life as well. Firewatch will also be a rather interesting game in the market. You’ll love some movies like Deadpool, Zootopia, Captain America: Civil War, and Doctor Strange. Stranger Things and Westworld will be television bigs, while Yuri on Ice and Full Frontal with Sam Bee will be more fun shows for you to watch.

Your personal life will also be pretty interesting as some opportunities and experiences would be popping up in your life. You’re gonna be making an audiovisual presentation for your mom’s 60th birthday while being able to stay at the City of Dreams as well. You’ll have some big advances in developing your art skills and as said earlier, you’ll be commissioned to make menus, signages, and logos for various food stalls and restaurants. Coming out to your parents will be pretty okay too. You’re gonna learn some Japanese and Best of all, you’re going to Japan to visit your brother and celebrate New Year. Even without a proper itinerary, it’s still going to be pretty cool. Don’t forget you’re gonna turn 20 this year.

So yeah.

Life is going to be a bigger emotional rollercoaster in the years to come. Despite all that has happened and all that will happen, you’re gonna get through this. You and many other people in the world are going to face the next years like warriors and fight for what you believe in. Though that unease and fear for the future will still be there, you’re going to be part of something big and it will be the chance for you and many others to make a change in the world.

It’s gonna get tense, so get ready.

P.S. You’ll get a couple VR headsets for your phone and you’ll realize that you’re not really that interested in VR tech as you thought you were.

[reluctantneurotic]

Some Realizations After A Panic Attack.

[October 3, 2016] - Lying on the ground helps me "ground" myself (pun intended) - Turning on the lights calmed me down - I might be taking the wrong medication

[reluctantneurotic]

Talking to God.

[October 2-3, 2016]

God? It’s me, Frank.

I know our relationship has been pretty rocky with me going through various changes in terms of my beliefs. The usual Catholic upbringing we Filipinos usually have was too much for me, especially with me being gay and all. As a result, I’ve walked out of homilies, avoided going to church for some time, and tried to excuse myself from family rosary time. I’m not proud of doing these things as me acting out based on my hatred for the universal compliance many people have in this country ended up disrespecting their faith in You. I brought my personal conflicts about religion outwards and ended up affecting the relationships You had with others. I now respect people choosing to follow You and be part of the way of life You offer them, even though it’s not exactly for me.

Despite that, there are still a lot of things I’ve been pondering upon in relation to Christianity. Even though You mean well with Your messages of loving one another and call for people to aspire for what truly matters in life, it’s been a while since You’ve made Your presence known directly to everyone without having to rely on others. I know it’s something that many religions face, but this is something especially true with Christianity as many people are reading into your scripture without taking note of historical context. It’s been centuries since Your Word has been laid out and in the time that has passed since then, a lot has changed. Society, values, culture, knowledge, and many others things today are vastly different compared to how they were when You sent Your Son down to save us all. We’ve learned a lot about the world and everything out there, but all this has started to conflict with our understanding of You and Your supernatural omnipotent nature and people have been having problems figuring out how we can learn more about the world and follow You at the same time. I remember seeing this conversation between astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson and Fr. James Martin S.J. on television once. The former was talking about the crazy nature of the universe, saying that it is “under no obligation to make sense to us”. “Neither does God,” Fr. Martin replied. Because of what he said (and one semester of Theology 121), I realised that even though your complete being is something we cannot fully understand as mere human beings, that does not stop us from putting our faith in You. Even though You desire for us to follow in Your footsteps, You still give us the choice to do this rather than making us mindless drones who only exist to follow you blindly. You respect us as fully sentient and conscious living beings capable of thinking for ourselves.

Unfortunately, even though not being able to fully understand You doesn’t stop anyone from becoming Your disciples, Your messages to us and what You want us to do about a lot of things is has been up for debate more increasingly lately. Like I’ve said earlier, the culture differences between the time You sent Your Son and today is has been bringing up a lot of questions about  following You. For example, even though You give us the choice to follow You or not, why are people who aren’t Christians (and as a result, praising gods that may not really be You) considered evil? Does going against the norms of gender and marriage set up in Your Word (e.g. gay marriage, husbands willingly submitting to their wives while the wives are the stronger presence in the relationship, etc.) make us sinful even though these are actions done out of love and respect for those involved? Does doing good just for the sake of it rather out of love for You still matter? If we aren’t part of Your chosen people, are we automatically not worthy for Your Kingdom even though we’ve done nothing wrong? We don’t really know. Because the Word and Commandments You have given humanity was given in relation to their society, we’re not really sure how it applies to our society today. Many people just use the language of the culture before us towards our present culture, and as a result, things haven’t been working out. We’d hope for clarifications in relation to all this, but the Second Coming may already be too late. As a form of consolation, my Theology professor told me that even though we may have a hard time translating Your Word for today’s context, You did send down Your Son in order to guide us in the first place. In other words,   at least you helped us once, and that’s better than not having any guidance at all. Even though that’s true, following You isn’t that simple as varying viewpoints on what is right make things way too complicated for someone just trying to be Your disciple.

One of the things people don’t really know about the Bible is that the Genesis narratives, the Creation of the World and the story of Adam and Eve specifically, are creation myths made by people and as a result, are not to be treated the same way as the Gospels. In fact, I remember reading a post where the author states how Jesus’ death and resurrection cancels out, for lack of a better term, “the old rules” and brings forward revisions for them in order to understand them more clearly. Because of the Bible actually being a collection of texts written down throughout several centuries, a new conflict arises: how are the different books of the Bible in relation to each other? After learning about the Bible’s creation narratives not necessarily being as “real” as other texts featured, I started to think about other stories told in it and whether they were just stories or did they really happen. Did stories like those of Noah, Abraham, Moses, Lot, and Job really happen? Also, if they did really happen, what do they say about You? For example, in the cases of Noah, Moses, and Lot, are You really that willing to kill off a group of people for the sake of another group of people? Do You value certain groups of people more than others? Meanwhile, in relation to the stories of Abraham and Job, do You really push people to extremes just to make sure they’ll follow You no matter what? If you want us to follow You no matter what, why did You give us free choice in the first place? For someone who values us putting faith and trust in you, do you even trust us to begin with?

After all this, we are just left with one main question: How is our relationship really?

[reluctantneurotic]

A List of Sights and Stopovers

[September 11, 2016]

Those Red Flashing Lights in the Distance

We left our house in Q.C at around 5PM. By the time we arrived at the expressway going to La Union, it was already dark. The surrounding greenery not found on the road was pitch dark, as if the void manifested in the shape of the local environment. What stood out however was a bunch of red flashing lights in the distance. They seemed like they were stationed on radio towers, but we weren’t really sure what they were. There were red lights too near the place we would be staying for the night.

The Resort

It was a Greek-inspired resort which I knew was featured heavily in a local movie from a few years ago. At night, the place was as black as the expressway when we were getting there. There were no lamp posts after all. We arrived at our place some time between 11 PM and Midnight. As I went up the stairs, I noticed a swarm of bugs that were, for lack of a better word, swarming the window. With the outside world consumed by dark nothingness and the buildings becoming giant lanterns you can live in, the amount of bugs on the window was understandable. In the morning, the resort looked like what traditional “white and blue” buildings from Greece would usually look like.

That Pigar-Pigar Place

(Pigar-Pigar is a beef dish served with onions and cabbage. It is normally served as a side for alcohol.)

We passed by here to use the restroom on the way home. It served Filipino dishes, chips, a brand of green tea, and bottles of alcohol. Outside the establishment, there was a statue of The Hulk (with feet that were way too big and a head that was way too small) and a statue of Goku (with the nose positioned way too low). The interior was decorated with party lights, a Chinese lantern, Christmas Decorations, a pond that didn’t work, and a mural featuring a caricature of Mr. Bean. What made the place even more bizarre was the reggae versions of pop songs playing in the background. We didn’t stay long.

The Manaoag Basilica

It was more like an amusement park than a church really. As we entered, the first thing I heard was an announcer saying: “[The line for car blessings is over here. Once you have had your car blessed, you may either park your car or leave through the nearest exit].” Processing government papers came to mind.

Later on, we passed by the candle lighting station. The station (or complex, as it seems more appropriate) had candle racks encompassing it, both inside and outside. It was in the shape of an eye and a fountain was in the center, serving as a stand for the rather large image of Mary in the middle. As many of the candles have either melted or drooped down to the concrete shelves holding the racks up, some of the candle racks have caught on fire.

When we reached the church area itself, I noticed that the adoration chapel and “cathedral” area were in the same room. The setup at the adoration chapel was huge, with the stand that was constructed for the images standing at three to four stories tall. There were railing surrounding it and the church main area, which made the adoration chapel seem like a museum exhibit rather than a religious establishment. While I was taking all this in, mass was taking place in the main church area. I remember the priest sounding more like an auctioneer rather than a religious head.  Remembering that every Sunday, a mass was held every hour right after the previous one, the alienation we already had with the church grew even more. I also noticed that the place seemed to be a structure built during the Spanish colonial era with some major renovations done to integrate technology into it. Because of all these, I determined that if there was a place that visually represented how much Christianity has a hold on Philippine culture nowadays, this place would be it. It was like Asakusa, if it were Christian and Filipino.

Before we left, we passed by a priest who was assigned to be blessing cars. As we had a car we recently purchased, we asked if we could have a trinket blessed so that we could hang it on the rear view mirror of the car. He spritzed some holy water on it and we were on their way.

[reluctantneurotic]

Some Other Stuff.

[August 31, 2016]

A collection of miscellaneous stories which I’m too lazy to post in separate posts:

That Christmas Rush Photo

It was around early High School when I read about a photo competition the faculty did to celebrate the Christmas season. The school newspaper published an article stating the winners of the competition and presenting their entries for the school to read. (I couldn’t find the newspaper copy containing the said article or a web article of it, so I’m posting close approximations of the photos.)

In third place was the Computer Science Department, with a forced perspective picture of what I believe to be the department head holding the rest of the department in his hand. Each of the department members were lined up, holding gifts they were going to give to their boss.

In second place was the Arts Department, portraying colonial-era aristocrats having a Christmas Party and giving gifts to each other. It was kinda like this, but with people giving gifts and a sepia tone overall.

Those two pics were okay, but the first place winner was what caught my attention: the Social Studies Department. They decided to portray Christmas as “Real” rather than the usual “Festive” or “Merry.” In the photo, several members of the department were holding Christmas decorations while waiting at a jeep stop (as jeeps are one of the most widespread mode of public transport here) for their commute home. By doing so, they showcased the Christmas rush we generally experience in preparation for “the Big Day.” The teachers pretended to be people who just finished their errands and were about to go home to set up decorations or wrap gifts. As I couldn’t find a similar enough photo, I’m going to say that it’s somewhere between this and this.

Back then, I considered it revolutionary and avant-garde, and though it isn’t as mind-blowing as it was before, I’m still fascinated by how different and “real” it is.

That Photo Book Exhibit Attendant

I believe this took place somewhere in my second year of college (SY 2015-2016; August-May).

Our university library had this awards exhibit about foreign photo books. I had some time between classes, so I decided to pass by. While I was looking around, someone (I presume to be library personnel) came up to me and asked if I wanted a guided tour. She had an incredibly calming soft voice (which I found fascinating), and based on her demeanour, I assume other students don’t really give her that much attention. She seemed so enthusiastic about the exhibit and wanted to share her excitement with everyone else, and it seemed like not a lot of people gave much of a damn about it, which made me feel bad. I wanted to make her feel better by going on her look around the exhibit, but I didn’t think I had enough time for it as I had another class coming up. Because of this, I regretfully turned down her offer, but promised to myself that I would come back before the exhibit ended.

I completely forgot about it, the exhibit ended, and the next school year came along.

As of writing this, the first semester of my third year in college has just wrapped up its first month, and it was during that time when I suddenly remembered my promise. I hated myself for not giving her the attention I felt she needed.

Hopefully she’s there at this year’s exhibit. I will go on that guided tour.

I promise.

That Slide by the Lake

This was last Saturday.

My family and I want to a resort in Laguna called Laresio. It was kind of a water park located at the side of a freshwater lake. We arrived at around 8-9AM and enjoyed what the place had to offer. Later that morning, my brother and I tried out the "Slip N’ Dip” (which is the second slide featured here). It was a long slide that ended around the lake’s surface. As it was just a slide down with a net to catch me when I fell down, I felt I didn’t really need a life jacket. I thought the net would catch me once I reached the bottom.

When I did, I didn’t feel a net. Where I expected to feel something stopping my drop into the water, I felt nothing. There wasn’t anything there.

Fun Fact: Before watching the news report featured earlier, I did not know the net was actually 10 feet below the surface.

I looked around trying to find the way up, but most of what I saw was just void with the occasional light rays. I frantically tried to swim up, but I underestimated how much I sucked at swimming. “This is it,” I thought, “I’m actually drowning and I’m going to die.” Fortunately, I was able to grasp the flotation device the lifeguards threw near me and bring myself to the floating bamboo paths that surrounded the slide’s landing area.

Now I know what the void feels like. I never want to experience that again.

Later in the day, I wore a lifejacket to the other slide. It was fun.

[reluctantneurotic]

In Memoriam?

[July 19, 2016]

I’m not proud of who I was in High School. I’ve distanced myself from a lot of things connected with those four years. As a result, I don’t really remember much from my time in High School.

To be honest, most of the time, not much happened. Given that I wasn’t really that close with my classmates (composed of mostly hypermasculine sports enthusiasts), it could’ve been uneventful to begin with. On the other hand, I was the somewhat weird one, with the “unique” interests and lack of ways to blend in with everyone while being true to myself, so maybe most memories have been repressed.

With my lack of recollection, the news which recently came to our attention is kind of hard to grasp.

A teacher was shot recently. He died.

Apparently, he was a substitute during our senior year (2013-2014). His name sounds familiar, I’m just not that sure if I remember him being a substitute.

My then-classmates have been commenting “condolences,” “rip,” etc., and I don’t know what to say about this. I want to stay silent because I don’t want to seem inauthentic, but someone died and that warrants me saying something. Other parts of me state cautionary notices to make sure I don’t make myself the focus of the situation.

Well, I guess I could say something here and just say what I could say:

“I may not have known him well, but I understand he has made an impact on the lives of other people. He devoted time and effort to improve the lives of students and made sure they were ready to face the world. He will be missed.

Rest in peace.”

[reluctantneurotic]

Philippine History

{June 12, 2016} Filipinos tend to be supernationalistic about a lot of things. When a fellow Filipino wins at something international, everyone goes ballistic. When someone jokes about us, an apology is demanded from them (which is ironic, since they do they same for everyone else without restraint). They believe that just by willpower alone, they could achieve things. It's admirable, but the dissonance of this compared to our history as a country is great. When Magellan arrived in 1521, he was eventually defeated by Lapu-Lapu in battle. However, when other Spanish explorers came later on, many of them were accepted. Soon, we were occupied by the Spanish. We had several people who tried to save us from the tyranny: Jose Rizal with his books, Andres Bonifacio with the Katipunan, Gregorio del Pilar, Gen. Antonio Luna, etc. Despite our efforts, we were only freed after the Americans succeeded in a battle with the Spanish. This led to us celebrating our independence in 1898, but it turned out that this was all meaningless, as the battle was just a front for Spain turning us over to the Americans and the American Occupation to be initiated. Before the Americans were able to release us after structuring our government for self-governance, the Japanese conquered us, and we needed their help to be freed in WW2. We had a tyrant dictator for a decade and a senator had to sacrifice his life for us to rally against him through People Power, but as it turns out, people were okay with human right violations and torture as people still want his family in office. Our incoming president-elect seems to be okay with it as he values his relationship with the dictator's son more than his relationship with his running mate. Marcos support was strong then and it's still strong now. With our country celebrating our Independence Day today and nationalism rampant, can we truly celebrate independence? The last time we won by ourselves was 500 years ago and we needed outside help after that. Are we truly free as a country?

[reluctantneurotic]

Creators

{posted June 9, 2016, but realized it was on the wrong blog, so reposted June 12, 2016}

After finishing watching a production that sucked you in somewhat, you tend to remember that they are also made with human hands. You feel incompetent, knowing that what you make isn’t really up to that level and it’s bugging you down.

Sure, it was made with the time and effort spent by teams of talented individuals working together to bring something to life, but it’s still kind of a downer that you probably wouldn’t be able to create a story that doesn’t rely on being “in the now” and “with it” to be beloved.

You want to be able to make something timelass and iconic with lovable characters and enticing plotlines for them to experience.

Hopefully, you get enough backing and inspiration to do that.

[reluctantneurotic]

Existentialism, Loss, and Watching Final Episodes

{June 9, 2016}

You finish a show’s last episode. It was rather intense and you were drawn into it’s environment and situations. Now, the ending credits, slightly edited in order to retain that feeling of “we’re at the end.”

Eventually, it stops and the sounds you’ve come to familiarize yourself with are gone, replaced with the somewhat ambient noises of where you’ve been lying down for the past hours.Soon, you realize you don’t know what you’ll do next, as the thing that gave your life purpose for that period of time is no longer capable of stimulating you consistently. You have changed and that show is no longer capable of giving you the exact same experience again. There is no next episode to help you continue on.It’s like you’re a trapeze performer, swinging forward, latching onto a trapeeze swing, holding on, settling in somewhat, and letting go only to do it again on the next one. Sure, you could hold on to multiple ones at the same time, but letting go of one still makes you realize how much empty space surrounds you all the time.Hopefully, you find another one to distract you from the directionless uncertainty that is life.Oh look, another one.

[reluctantneurotic]

YouTube.

[May 12, 2016]

Today, I’d like to share my thoughts about Youtube.

This isn’t another “YouTube has Changed” piece or a big analytical study with facts and statistics.

These are all just honest thoughts of mine regarding it.

I remember back in the late 2000s how people have used YouTube just for sharing home videos, low-budget productions, and lyric videos made with Windows Movie Maker. After all, the creators initially wanted it to be for sharing home videos (footage from a party, Janet Jackson at the SuperBowl, and the 2004 tsunami to be exact).

Then, lonelygirl15 happened, and the “integrity” of YouTube was challenged. YouTube shifted its focus from social interaction to film/movie creators.

Eventually, around 2010, more high-quality production stuff started coming out, with guys like Smosh, Shane Dawson, MysteryGuitarMan, nigahiga, etc. becoming more popular and ramping up their production quality. I think this was around the time freddiew and Corridor Digital started sharing SFX stuff as well. The Fine Brothers, iJustine, schmoyoho, RayWillamJohnson, Philip De Franco, Jake and Amir, WhatTheBuck, EpicRapBattlesOfHistory, Key of Awesome, Andrew Huang, and many others started making Youtube a place for creators rather than a social network for family and friends. It started to become more Vimeo than Facebook, in some way. This wasn’t completely new, as CollegeHumor has been doing skits since 2006.

Then more YouTube-based companies started coming in. It started out small, but with companies like VEVO posting the music videos for us and the companies posting their ads themselves, things started getting pretty weird. BuzzFeed, Mode, Cut Video, ScreenRant, Clevver News, and WatchMojo made this more prominent and Channel Awesome (with the revamp of Doug Walker’s TGWG, along with fellow critics Nostalgia Chick and ToddInTheShadows) became one of the creator groups that made monetization over YouTube content more well known (especially later on, but I’ll get to that in a bit).

Now, YouTube has become a corporate tool for many, filled with more drama, tension, and questions on Intellectual Property than ever before. Now feuds among channels are becoming a thing. Matthew Santoro’s abuse, Tobuscus being accused of rape, freebooting (though more prominent on Facebook than on Youtube), YouTube Red, and “React World” made things a lot more tense in the YouTube community. I Hate Everything, GradeAUnderA, Drama Alert, and ADoseOfBuckley has made drama on YouTube much more of a staple in the community. Now YouTube has become more of a corporate mutation compared to its humble starting state, and it bugs me a lot. With copyright becoming a hot topic in the YouTube community and YouTube’s copyright detection system going haywire, Doug Walker, one of the heads of Channel Awesome, brought up how YouTube has started to become more in favor for those in power (companies and big personalities) rather than independent creators (while also creating the #WTFU movement).

At this point, I’d like to restate that this piece isn’t about my stance on these issues and a well-thought of analysis on why this happened, because what I’d really like to say with this piece is this: How much YouTube has transformed from a humble home video sharing site to a corporate tool and how tense it is in the community nowadays really irks me. The disparity of what it was and how it is now is something I’m frequently (though not that intensely) frustrated about. It’s also how the expectations of YouTube (usually described as a video-sharing site) are met with company video “plugs” (like Vogue’s behind the scenes stuff), monetized videos, and drama. It’s like going on Tumblr expecting art and design stuff, but then getting hit in the face with so much SJW and minority rights activism going on, or going on Pinterest, expecting DIY projects, but finding so much unsourced or improperly sourced art instead. These aren’t bad things by themselves (except for the Pinterest one, as it is really something that angers me), but the frustrating part is the disparity between what was initially perceived/planned and what it eventually became, especially with YouTube.

Gone are the days when you could just watch that cute thing someone’s cat did now that listicle videos, movie trailers, and music videos are getting more attention. The transformation from a humble social network to a shiny plastic corporate tool is frustrating.

In the end, I don’t really know. Youtube’s just starting to become more tense of a place to feel safe using and watch videos on. It’s not bad by itself, but with the corporate and drama stuff going on, I don’t really know what to feel about the site anymore.

[reluctantneurotic]

Collecting.

[May 6, 2016]

My room is filled with clutter and junk.

People often tell me to get rid of these stuff and stop hoarding, but I’ve always been fascinated by collections and the act of collecting. I like looking at things with so much going on, like a Larry Alcala drawing, a Where’s Waldo spread, but not a face drawn by Rob Liefeld.

I’ve always been fascinated by things with (or that encourage) so much detail and variety in their content, like backpacks with so many pockets (because you’re tempted to put so much stuff in each compartment and have one of everything in there), cupboards (for the same reason), or apartments/other people’s houses (due to the modernism-induced compartmentalization).

What can I say? I like getting lost in the small details of something.

[reluctantneurotic]

Recurring Character Tropes.

[May 6, 2016]

For some time now, I've been noticing some sort of pattern in a lot of shows, movies, video games, etc. It's like there's been a recurring cast of character tropes in action/scifi/fantsy productions. I'll enumerate them with some characters who I feel exemplify this role (though I’m focusing more on character design and team dynamics than their personalities).

- The Stern Leader

A stern, passionate white guy who is the most courageous and also a brown haired man in his 30s or 40s. Could crack one-liners from time to time. Kinda Ben Affleck-ish.  Examples are Captain William Lennox (Josh Duhamel) from Transformers and Malcom Reynolds (Nathan Fillion) from Firefly.

- The Love Interest

Often there to assist the S.L., she’s usually the damsel in distress and a white female around the same age as him. Could be the secretary or the brains of the group, but tends to just remain an assistant to S.L. in fighting the antagonist. Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) from the MCU and Felicity Smoak (Emily Bett Rickards) from Arrow are examples.

- The Softer White Guy

Kind of the sidekick-ish apprentice guy and oftentimes blond. Probably in 20s and a little pouty. Hoban Washburne (Alan Tudyk) from Firefly and Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) from Transformers are examples.

- The Black Sidekick

More serious than the S.L., he’s usually there to say “You CAN’T be serious” when the S.L. states their plan to defeat the antagonist. Has that Michael J. White vibe to them. Col. James Rhodes (Don Cheadle) from the MCU and Sgt. Ryan Whittaker (Ving Rhames) from Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within are examples.

(Note: It kind of bugs me how the leader is the white guy and the black guy and white woman are there to show that “I care enough to add diversity and some sort of representation to the team but I don’t care that much that I’m just gonna make them variations of the white male main character, who’s still the one in the lead.” Though I like the Nostalgia Critic, the web series just goes for “adding variation” than “proper representation,” with Doug as the leader and Malcolm and Tamara at his side. A POC woman as a main character and not just a Sage/Boss-ish type is oftentimes too much for a lot of these productions.)

- The Sage/Boss

A mentor/guide to the whole group. Like the L.I., this character could be the brains of the group. No need for a specific gender, but this character is oftentimes a black person. Dr. Grace Augustine (Sigourney Weaver) from Avatar and Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) from the MCU are examples.

- The Strong Female

Usually the most optional one. Tough girl who’s kinda tomboyish and is capable of beating you up. Would usually have short dark hair or a ponytail and would stereotypically tend to rock this look. More Hawkgirl than Wonder Woman. Trudy Chacon (Michelle Rodriguez) from Avatar and Audrey Rocio Ramirez (Jacqueline Obradors) from Atlantis are good examples, but Black Canary (Kate Cassidy) from Arrow kind of qualifies.

- The Silent Brooding Type

A darkhaired white antihero who doesn’t talk much, a lone wolf-type, and a foil to the S.L. The Winter Soldier (Sebastian Stan) from the MCU and Merrick Baliton (Phillip Andrew) from Wild Force Power Rangers are examples. Rose from The Legend Of Dragoon also qualifies.

- The Tough One

Could replace the S.B.T, but now with grunting instead of brooding. Big, brutish guy who just wants to beat people up. Jayne Cobb (Adam Baldwin) from Firefly and Kongol from The Legend of Dragoon qualify.

- The Wild Child

Young, playful, and energetic. Could often be a nuisance. Edward (Aoi Tada or Melissa Fahn) from Cowboy Bebop and Meru from The Legend of Dragoon are examples

Though these are the usual in many major productions (especially in the US, the UK and Australia), there are some variations, so the repitition isn’t that apparent. Though this usual dynamic constantly popping up fascinates me.

[reluctantneurotic]

Sense.

[April 12, 2016]

I remember having what I considered to be a “panic sense”: it’s kind of like the “spidey senses are tingling” thing, but for “notifying me that something big was going to happen”. I’m not sure whether or not I was right if they matched up with big events, but I kept relying on it.

Years later, my psychologist said that I may have an anxiety disorder.

I’m not sure these are related.