Misinformation Cookies
Last night, I had a wild hair to make "misinformation cookies" for a potluck. Think fortune cookies, but with less fortune, more bullshit. I came up with 3 dozen unique, artisanally crafted lines of bullshit, but sadly, the making of the cookies is not going to happen in time for the potluck. If you need an idea for a Halloween potluck, feel free to use these:
Facebook algorithms account for 84% of the cockroaches in your breakfast cereal.
Soylent Green is made of cheese fries.
A European underwear model is moving to your city and wants to put $50,000 in your bank account.
Alaskan senators just voted to curb climate change by redirecting the Alaska Pipeline to blow air conditioning back at the arctic.
The Queer Extremists are coming for your shoes!
You have used up all your allotted internet points for the week. Your social media posts weren’t getting enough likes, hearts, or ha-has.
He’s behind you! He’s behind you! Duck!!!
You can melt away that pesky belly fat with a diet of 90% spray cheese.
Mitch McConnell is the way he is because he’s the reincarnation of Mae West and he never figured out what to do with that knowledge.
Q-Anon is putting mind-control drugs in Starbucks’ pumpkin spice lattes!
Ghosts are real. It’s just that they’re not that into you.
J.K. Rowling has seen the error of her ways and announced that Percy Weasley is a transwoman.
Ryan Gosling definitely does not maintain his looks by drinking the blood of the innocent.
Your shirt tag is sticking out.
The 2020 model of pugs have been recalled due to excessive derpiness.
Left-Wing Extremists want us all to convert to metric time! Get ready for 100-minute hours and 10-hour days!
Right-Wing Extremists are coming for your beer!
Science has proven that the vaccine for Wandering Lung Disease causes deadly farts in 73% of gassy rats.
Borneo isn’t a real island. It was drawn onto maps by the cartographers who are profiting from fundraisers aimed at saving the orangutan, which doesn’t exist either.
In 1969, NASA accidentally overshot the moon and hit Alpha Centauri instead. They faked the moon landing footage because they were so embarrassed by their bad math.
You’ve got some schmutz on your face.
Scientists have just bred a new species of Super Squirrel that can pick locks and open doors. They’re coming for your nuts!
Vikings didn’t have horns on their helmets. Those were actually Go Pros so they could capture the looks of terror on the Saxons’ faces when they pillaged.
Science has proven that vampires exist. But they don’t drink blood or shy away from sunlight. They do sleep all day and love catnip. Actually, vampires are cats.
One of the extras in The Rocky Horror Picture Show was Richard Nixon.
Exploding Death Spiders have crossed the US border. Entomologists say they will reach Illinois by next week.
Did you know? You can make your own home remedy for appendicitis with baking soda, lemon juice, and neon puffy paint.
Halloween is a liberal conspiracy to teach kids that making and wearing costumes is fun.
Big Candy doesn’t want you to know that the secret ingredient in the plain orange-and-black-wrapped Halloween candy is wood glue.
Science still cannot prove that Kanye West isn’t an android controlled by aliens.
The top 1% control 58% of all percentages.
Tomorrow’s forecast: partly cloudy with a 52% chance of localized tornado bombs.
Whatever you do, don’t look up.
Nancy Pelosi is three raccoons in a pantsuit.
Your message here $5.00
Climate change is a hoax perpetrated by a few really, really smart trees.
