Am I in the wrong restroom or are you?
Someone very close to me asked me a “miss manners” question. The question, and my answer, seem to be worth sharing. I edited some of this down to avoid identifying people but, other than that, this is exactly how the conversation went. It started with a voicemail and moved to the emails you see below. Question: Hi Katie, The dilemma is over. This is what happened. We attended a wedding today. I went to the women’s room, not really paying attention and walked in to see two people that looked like guys. I stopped, thinking I had walked into the men’s room. Checked the door and it said women’s room. So I entered and used the bathroom. They both laughed it off and left. I wanted to find them and apologize but realized I wanted to because I felt bad. Had to get into the room for the wedding. So didn’t have time to talk with them. I think they were fine with it. I did see them later and they were having a great time at the wedding with friends. Should I have gone up to them later and say something? Didn’t because it seems awkward. After reading this I realize it was just awkward. What is your take on it? My answer: Great question! And I’m sorry for the can of worms you’ve opened but here goes… I am sure that these two women are used to this scenario. I know that Kim and I both are. You’d be surprised how often I get mistaken for a man in public restrooms. Kim has had women send their husbands in to deal with the “boy” in the bathroom. I’ve had other unsavory comments directed my way. Some because people thought I was a boy. Others because the person disapproved of my appearance. People can be assholes in bathrooms. But I enjoy the opportunity to use my wit and wisdom to cut them a new one in ten words or less. Honestly, I don’t think you needed to say anything to them. They clearly weren’t mortally wounded by your confusion. They laughed it off. And really, there no nice way to say “sorry, I thought you had a penis.” This is a really common issue and those of us who cause other people to do a second take at the plaque outside the bathroom door, well… it’s annoying and frustrating. But it’s certainly not the worst thing that will happen to us. I’d say spilling my coffee on my pants at 6am is far worse than funny looks in the bathroom. But, from our end, it is frustrating. While I understand that there are ladies rooms and men’s rooms, what’s so much scarier about peeing or pooping in ear shot of men than women? In the end, the question isn’t so much about gender presentation in bathrooms. Is about why we have sex segregated bathrooms to begin with. We are seeing a lot of businesses, particularly universities, move towards gender neutral bathrooms. This solves two problems. First, there are no awkward moments between gender conforming and gender non conforming people. Second, it solves the issue of potty parity. Potty parity deals with the fact that men and women use bathrooms differently therefore we take different amounts of time. The simple act of peeing and washing hands takes 3x longer for women. And we are talking just peeing and hand washing. No makeup, no hair, no stereotypes about women and beauty practices. Just the simple act of peeing. So, many would argue that public buildings and venues, such as schools and sporting event venues, should have 3x as many stalls in women’s rooms as in men’s. Think about the last major concert you went to and the line outside the women’s room. Of course, the simpler fix would be to just have gender neutral bathrooms. Kim and I have been to LGBTQIA conferences where all of the bathroom signs are changed to gender neutral. It works out well. No lines, just peeing. We love it. As you can tell, bathrooms are a big issue for feminists and LGBTQIA people. But as far as your response, while it is understandable it could have been better. Ask yourself why it would truly matters if there were actually two men in the ladies room. Or why it would matter if you peed in the men’s room (minus any tampon/pad disposal issues). The only answer to that is because people are uncomfortable with it. And I challenge you to figure out why/if it really is uncomfortable to you. Or are you just playing a gender script that’s been given to you? Seriously, no harm done. You’re probably thinking about it much harder than they are. Next time, just walk in with your head heald high and pee proudly. If it turns out you were in the men’s room, so what? They’re usually cleaner anyway. Hope that answers your question! Love you, Katie