So this Ben POV is fun because not only is it one that was requested, but it also acts as another contingent piece with chapter 23. So again, I ask you to read this after you are done with 23! Enjoy my babes!
So yeah this is going to be chapter 15 from Ben’s POV...dat’s right what was going on during Ear Caress™ 2020 in the squatch’s head??? YOU’LL SOON SEE A YUUP
“It’s just me and no you
Stayed up ‘til my phone died
Smoking big, rolling solo
It’s hell on Earth and the city’s on fire
Inhale, in hell there’s heaven
There’s a bull and a matador dueling in the sky
Inhale, in hell there’s heaven
This entire afternoon had been complete surprise, but it was a welcome one when Rose and Rey had stumbled in the door, questioning his presence immediately. Well, Rose had. Rey had uncharacteristically not said a word, and then they had abruptly left the room.
Honestly, Ben couldn’t help but blame himself. This probably was unexpected, but it’s not like he knew Rey was going to be here. When Finn had texted him that morning asking him if he wanted to watch the game he thought to himself, why not? They had talked about football when Rose and Rey were in her room discussing…whatever the reason was for Rey keeping the truth about her friendship with him a secret, which was something that had apparently just slipped her mind. Finn seemed like a nice guy, and he was one of Rey’s best friends, so it was important to Ben to get to know the diehard Chargers fan more.
And things between him and Rey were fine, right? They seemed fine.
But perhaps that was the problem, they were just fine. They weren’t…them.
He knew it was his fault, too. He was the one who dropped the whole ‘I’m trying a dating app’ on her, completely out of the blue. And every time he told himself that he should just delete the stupid thing, he would hear Poe’s voice ringing in his ears the night he took Ben’s phone from him and downloaded it.
They were at their typical trivia night, which had resulted in an unfortunate loss to those same assholes guys they battled every month. Ben just so happened to be texting Rey about implications of what the best kind of cheese were. She was claiming mozzarella, to which he said wasn’t a terrible choice, but it definitely showcased her mediocre pallet because clearly the best was havarti or some nice smoked gruyere. Her response of the middle finger emoji was quick and expected, along with a warranted and sardonic rich boy comment. He laughed into his phone and shook his head, formulating his snarky response immediately.
“What’s got you giggling like a school girl over there Solo?” Poe asked, sipping his martini.
He placed his phone down immediately and tried to act he hadn’t just got caught with his hands in the cookie jar, “N-no one. Don’t worry about it.”
Poe raised his glass once more, “Benji, I’ve known you for our entire lives, and you’re going to sit there and pretend like I can’t read you like a fucking book?”
He cleared his throat, feeling awkward, “Um, yes?”
Poe shook his head and downed the rest of his drink as Ben picked up his whiskey, “So how’s Rey?”
Turns out Ben was about as obvious as a person pleading guilty on the stand, “She’s—she’s fine.”
“Uh huh,” Poe stated as he waved down the waiter for another drink—Ben was fully convinced that Poe was going to take him home later, “and how’s that whole thing going?”
The waiter was at their table almost immediately, smiling at Poe dumbly, already under his charm, “What can I get for you honey?”
Poe bore that stupid 1,000 wat smile of his, “It seems my woebegone friend and I are in need of more refreshments, so could I trouble you for some refills, handsome?”
Ben rolled his eyes and threw his whiskey back and grunted.
“Daww, what’s Mr. Broad Shoulders so sad about?” The waiter, Ben glanced at his name tag, Jerome, asked.
Poe shook his head, “I mean, what else? Girl problems!”
Jerome raised an eyebrow at Ben, “What that he can’t keep them off of him?”
Ben sighed and leaned on his hand as Poe and Jerome laughed together, “No, he’s a bit hung up on this one girl that has friend-zoned him hard.”
His hands on his hips now, Jerome shook his head, “Is she blind?”
Poe shrugged, “Your guess is as good as mine, my fine fellow.”
Ben was just about to tune out of this conversation when he felt a hand on his shoulder, “If she doesn’t see what she has right in front of her, then she doesn’t deserve you honey,” he smiled, and then turned to Poe with a wink, “I’ll get you guys those drinks right away.”
He knew Jerome was just trying to be nice, possibly get more of a tip, and also probably in Poe’s pants, not that that was hard to accomplish at all; however, for some reason, hearing someone even utter that Rey wasn’t worthy offended him to his very core. It made him seethe, and he felt his eye twitch.
“I am sure he didn’t mean anything by it.” Poe commented.
Ben sighed, knowing Poe really could read him like a book. Perhaps he should start wearing a mask around him in order to not give away his every emotion around him.
“And I mean, it’s not as if I agree with him because I am sure Rey is a lovely girl, but he sort of has a point.”
His eyes flicked up to Poe, saying nothing, which Poe took as a signal to elaborate.
“Look,” Poe sighed, running a hand over his face, “I…I’m just worried about you buddy. You’re just investing so many of your feelings into this girl that clearly doesn’t feel the same way as you.”
Ben rolled his tongue over his teeth, “I know what I’m doing Dameron.”
Poe shook his head, “No, no I don’t think you do. It’s not like I think you should stop being friends with her or anything; I just—I don’t want to see you get hurt Ben.”
He crossed his arms over his chest, “I’m fine.”
“Yeah? Then tell me the real reason why you and Bazine broke up…or for that matter, why you even started dating her again in the first place?”
All of a sudden, Ben couldn’t look at Poe anymore, “We were using each other for different reasons, and when we finally realized that, we broke it off. Simple as that.”
“And Rey had nothing to do with it?”
Ben knew the answer to that. Of course she had been. When he had run into Bazine in one of their various professional circles, and she asked him if he wanted to catch up and go to coffee, he knew he shouldn’t have. He should have said no. He should have stayed strong and faced the persistently real truth instead.
And what was that exactly? That he had very real feelings for a girl whose name he didn’t even know? That every time he saw her, he felt like he was floating as this sunshine girl watered her plants and did her unfairly sexy yoga? That she had, somehow, made him feel a little less lonely for the first time in so long with their synchronized schedules and matching interests. He had sought comfort from her eventually without even realizing it, and Ben wanted nothing more than to go over there and cook her dinner when he saw her make her ramen again looking so sad.
It was ridiculous. It was atrocious. It was so not going to happen because why would someone as adorable as her with her video games and her smile as her friends would lighten up her face ever want someone like him?
So when he looked at Bazine, he felt the weight of his loneliness on his chest and thought, perhaps maybe this could be the solution. Turns out she was also just looking for a relationship that looked good for her as she was trying to make partner, going to dinners and other couple related activities necessary for schmoozing. They were never going to work.
His mother used to call him storm cloud whenever he was sad as a child, and she tried to tell him that the sun was going to shine on him one day.
And she had, she had in every conceivable way. She was Rey, his actual sunshine. And all he ever wanted to do when he saw her scrunch her nose at him while she was annoyed by something he had done or said was kiss her…and kiss her and kiss her over and over until they were both left breathless.
Ben sighed now and buried his face in his hands.
“It’s okay if she did. I just want you to admit it. Not only to me, but to yourself at the very least.”
Jerome had returned with their drinks, surveying the energy of the table, looking to Ben’s obvious melancholy temperament, “This one’s on the house for a broken heart, dear.”
Ben looked to him, a little surprised, “Thanks.”
“Of course,” he said, turning to Poe, “and yours is on the house because you’re just so damn cute.”
Poe tipped his drink to him and winked as Jerome sauntered off.
“Ohh, that guy is going to get it later,” Poe claimed, sipping at his drink as he checked out Jerome walking away, “yes siree.”
Poe looked wistful for a few more moments before he looked back to Ben, “But back to you. What say you Solo? Care to say the truth for once? Because I feel like you are a lot more into her than what you have led me to believe.”
Ben sighed with his drink in his hand, sinking down in his seat before he took a swig as Rey’s adorable dimples flashed in his brain, “Fuck, yes! Yes, okay? I’m crazy about her and have been for…I don’t know, forever? Ever since I saw her cooking ramen for herself for the first time as she danced along in her kitchen to what I am guessing now was a Taylor Swift song.”
Poe didn’t respond to his admission right away, but gave a small smile and a laugh, “Yeah and the sky is fucking blue Solo, we know. I’ve known since you first told me your new neighbor was what did you say, as ‘beautiful as rain on a hot summer day?’”
Ben leaned forward and ran both his hands through his hair, rolling his eyes at his own stupid words, “I can’t stop thinking about her Poe.”
Poe’s face grew serious as his eyebrows furrowed, “And you’re sure there’s absolutely no chance that she doesn’t feel the same, and is possibly just as much of an idiot as you are?”
Ben contemplated this, and he went over all of the signs he thought he saw in his head, every single glance and smile between them. Every casual touch, every ounce of how much Rey showed him that she cared about him.
“I mean her nickname for you was hot neighbor boy for Christ’s sake.” Poe added.
But then his world was crushed when she told him it meant nothing, that it was different back then as if she used to be attracted to him before, but when she got to know him, she had decided that she most undoubtedly wanted to take it back.
This fear was only confirmed when she had recently encouraged him to go up to another girl and ask her out. Figures. She was an actual goddess and he was still a piece of shit.
“No,” he shook his head, “no, she definitely doesn’t feel the same.”
Ben’s eyes flicked up to Poe, and he was giving him a sympathetic expression, “Then why are you doing this to yourself Ben?”
He looked down into his drink, “Because I care about her.”
“I know you do, there’s nothing wrong with that. I think she’s actually a great friend for you to have storm cloud,” Poe said, and Ben scoffed at him using his mother’s old nick name, “but I—I’m sorry to say...I think it’s about time you moved on from the idea of you and Rey.”
Ben sighed, lifting his glass, “Maybe…maybe you’re right.”
Poe nodded, “Of course I’m right,” he smiled, tilting his head, “now give me your phone.”
For some reason, Ben’s reaction was an immediate one as he handed it over, “What are you doing?”
His best friend unlocked it, tapping on his screen a few times, “I’m downloading Tinder.”
Ben grunted, “Fuck Poe, no! I don’t want to do that—”
“Hey hey hey,” Poe defended, “you don’t gotta get married or anything here Benny Boy. I just think it will be good for you in order for you to get your mind off Rey, alright?”
He narrowed his eyes at Poe, still not sold on the idea at all.
Ben sat back and crossed his arms over his chest again, “No.”
Poe rolled his eyes, apparently undeterred by Ben’s resolve, “Hmm…we can’t say that you’re an emo boy in your bio…don’t know if that will attract the right kind of ladies we’re looking for here storm cloud.”
So here Ben was now, sitting on Finn and Rose’s couch with his sunshine in the other room as he continued to drink his beer, trying with all of his might to immerse himself in the game.
“You hungry there Solo?” Finn asked him, shaking him from his reverie.
Ben blinked a couple of times, processing Finn’s very simple question, “Uh…yeah, yeah sure. I could eat.”
Finn nodded, looking to his phone, “I know from our first meeting that you are…a bit of a health nut, so I don’t know if you’re cool with pizza.”
He shook his head, laughing at the memory of yelling at Rey and all of her poor nutrition choices in her snack cupboard; she had looked so adorable, so he really amped up the over the top way he was throwing out all of her unhealthy foods, so he could see her scrunch her nose as he shouted ‘high fructose corn syrup!’ at her, “No, no, it’s totally fine. Go for it.”
Ben told him what sort of toppings he liked on his, and Finn smiled, “Awesome, that’s what I like too,” he said, putting his phone away, “you also a fan of whiskey?”
Ben smirked, “I think my dad would disown me if I wasn’t.”
Finn stood up, “Great! Let’s get a little loose here since your Niners will definitely be losing.”
He laughed, shaking his head, “Whatever you got to tell yourself Hadari. I heard denial is the first stage.”
Just then, Herbert had passed the ball to one of the receivers, barely making it to the endzone before getting tackled. Finn looked like he was practically jumping up and down, “O-ho ho! What was that now?”
Ben waved him off, “It’s only the second quarter, calm down.”
Finn frowned, “Don’t be a sore loser Solo!”
“Just go get your whiskey.”
He smirked, pointing at him, “My kind of guy right there.”
Then he was stalking off saying he was going to tell the girls about their pizza plan.
Ben sighed, alone again with his thoughts. That night he had told her about the dating app, he wanted nothing more than to tell her that he really didn’t want to. All he wanted was her; it was always her, but then he couldn’t decipher the look on her face when she left. She hadn’t protested one bit and even smiled at him when she was walking out. He sighed after he closed the door and ran his hand over his face, “So that’s that.” He said to himself. She hadn’t seemed to care one bit. Ben was just too upset to decipher the situation any further.
Now they were here, and he didn’t understand why she was being a little distant. He had to figure she was because she thought he wanted his space since he admitted that he was possibly going on dates. It’s not like they had been in a fight, but he hadn’t seen her smile with her dimple in so long that he was really starting to miss it.
And no, in fact he did not want space from her. That was the complete and utter opposite thing that he wanted. It felt like death by a thousand cuts every time he saw her and didn’t get to hold her, feel her body against his, and hear her giggle in his ears as he kissed her neck—
Suddenly Rey was there as she rounded the corner, and he sat up completely, embarrassed as if she could read his mind or something, though, sometimes it did feel that way.
It only got worse as the alcohol started flowing. She was…so cute. So fucking cute all the goddamn time, and he stood no chance against her if she was going to be that disarming. She at least seemed more relaxed than she had before.
It didn’t appear that she was paying much attention to the game as she refilled her whiskey again. She sighed and leaned back, looking from him to Finn and Rose on the couch, and she pointed at the couple, “You know, since Ben and I are longer, it’s a good thing we have the couch and you shorties have the love seat.”
The joke was dumb, but when Ben swiveled his head to her, he felt his heart flutter at her smile. There was that dimple again, finally, “You make a fair point. Though, isn’t Finn taller than you?”
Rey merely shrugged as they carried on the conversation. It’s not like he would ever suggest that Finn be there instead of her. He wanted to be closer to her at all times. But right now, he was just thankful to be here with her, so he held onto that thought as he concentrated on the game again, calling out plays here and there.
Ben felt his phone go off, so he checked it and saw it was from Nicole, the girl he had been on a couple dates with, asking him how his day was going so far. He didn’t really think it was appropriate to say that it was going pretty great because he was sitting next to Rey who was being adorably intoxicated. No, no. Nicole was a nice girl who didn’t deserve to hear any of that. He sighed, looking over to Rey and remembered Poe’s words of getting him to try and move on.
And with that thought, he was able to have a perfectly nice conversation with Nicole. About nothing really anything in particular.
He was a couple drinks in when he realized that his leg had gotten close enough to her to brush up against her, and he swore he was going to get hard just from that if he really let his mind wander. No, wasn’t he just trying to move on? Then his leg barely touches hers and he suddenly is going into hysterics. The alcohol was causing guard to go way down. Thank god she went to the bathroom so he could compose himself. He was lying across the couch, trying to relax his body before he even had any comprehension of what he was doing.
Nope, he clearly couldn’t compose himself because she just couldn’t stop being the most adorable person ever as she asked what a down was. She huffed and was only even more endearing as he explained the concept to her. Oh how he wanted to lean down and kiss those perfect pink lips, run his fingers through that hair…and then possibly braid it if she’d let him.
Luckily, the game actually picked up again so he could focus on something else besides Rey and her effervescent beauty. His team was just a smidgen from scoring another touchdown and he felt on edge. Finn was concerned that the Chargers weren’t going to get that interception, which was a laudable hope, but there was no way that was going to happen.
But when they did, Ben felt that Solo rage fill him and he roused himself off the couch, yelling at the screen.
Him and Finn had engaged in a little friendly back and forth trash talk, and then Finn sat back down after his victory dance. Ben had to admit that the couple on the love seat were being adorable themselves, discussing the derriere of players that Rose clearly had her eye on as she gave Finn shit for liking Marie Kondo. He laughed at Rose’s tight end joke as he tried to concentrate on the game once more, spirits fortified as he hoped the Niners would pick the pace back up and keep this victory going.
That was before he felt unexpected fingertips slowly grazing his forehead, and suddenly his eyes were whipping over to Rey, who seemed so enraptured in her task. Ben wasn’t exactly sure what her motive was, but it’s not like he’d ever tell her to stop. He was extremely confused with her actions; it was very unlike her to ever go out of her way like this to touch him. Befuddlement was quickly replaced with bliss because now she was caressing his ear she was caressing his ear she was caressing his ear, and he actually felt his eyes now roll into the back of his head while it took all of his will power to suppress a moan just from the feeling of her fingers on his earlobe.
Had she…seen that? Did she notice that he practically had an orgasm just because she touched him in a way that could be considered a little bit intimate? He was horrified at the thought dear lord he was going to have to move away now because he would never be able to look at her again after that—
But then he did look at her, and her absolutely beautiful hazel eyes were completely focused on him, him, Benjamin ‘I freak the fuck out when girls I like touch my ear’ Solo. He felt himself melt in front of her, and he couldn’t help but grin like a madman at her; it made his heart soar when she returned it. He wanted to reach out and touch her too. He wanted to gently cradle her lovely face and press his lips to hers. He wanted he wanted he wanted, and…did she want to? Did she want him to? He was staring, no gawking at her mouth openly now. Ben was about mere milliseconds away from throwing caution to the wind and just doing it, kissing her like he had wanted to ever since the moment he laid eyes on her, his mouth slanting deliciously over hers—
Then, so unbearably, the spell was broken. She looked away from him and down at the couch, and Ben had only a second to observe the clear regret splayed across her face before she turned around, and what felt like was only a few moments ago where his heart was soaring, it was now sinking.
And before he could even process anything that had just occurred, she was gone again, and he was left with the gravity of it all ripping into his brain.
He sat up. Just what in the hell was all of that? Did she really just…feel up on his ear dip? Ben buried his face in his hands as he saw Rose get up and chase after Rey. Most likely to talk about how much she had regretting doing any of it.
Ben tried to clear his mind. He tried to think about anything else in the world, but all that was going through his brain was the touch of Rey’s skin on his. He was going to straight up have a panic attack if he didn’t calm himself down.
And what the hell was going to happen when she came back out? Was he just supposed to act normal? Like she hadn’t just rocked his entire world with the smallest touch?
Fuck, he was going to break down right here, right now. She was going to come out of the bathroom, he would take one look at her, and he then he was going to shout ‘Rey I would very much like to put my mouth on your mouth and also I can’t ever get you off my mind no matter how much I try, that cool with you?!’
He grunted, feeling flush all over. Fuck, was he gonna fucking faint because Rey put her hands on him for like two seconds?! Dear lord in heaven he was such a pathetic excuse for human being. He was also a little drunk, which didn’t help at all. He felt like his steadfastness to not get up and kick in the bathroom door, demanding that Rey press her perfect little body all over his and maybe smooch for the rest of eternity maybe even perhaps while they were not wearing any clothes was extremely strong.
No, nope. He was not going to think about Rey sans of clothing now.
Ben honestly was having a hard time breathing, his lungs suddenly felt like they were being sat on by an elephant, one that clearly hated him and didn’t want him to be naked with Rey.
Fuck, did he really just do that again? This was wrong, all so wrong he needed to get out of here now before he had a complete mental breakdown in front of everyone.
He pulled out his phone, not knowing what else to do.
“I—I just got a call. I think it’s an emergency. Sorry dude I have to go.”
Finn looked at him, obviously surprised, “Oh, okay. Everything okay man?”
“Y-yeah, I think everything’s fine. I just have to make sure, but I’ll see you around? I’ll have to come over for the next game.”
Finn smiled, “Yeah, totally. I understand, gotta take care of business…though, I have to ask, you’re not going to drive are you? You’ve been drinking—”
His eyes widened, “No! No, I’ll just take an Uber, but thanks for your concern.”
Finn stood, and they exchanged a typical bro hug, and he smiled at him again, “Alright Solo, I’ll say bye to the girls for you.”
He felt like he was already halfway out the door before he looked back at Finn somberly, “Yeah…yeah, please do that.”
Ben walked home. It took him the better part of an hour, but he walked the entire way there, and with every step he got more and more angry with himself and his actions. With every step, he felt himself being pulled back to her like a magnet, and he was going against his very nature buy continuing to duck and hide in the other direction.
He was a coward. He should have stayed to face her, no matter the outcome; the reality of him spilling out his guts and her rejecting him aside. His insecurities though…oh his insecurities. They were coming out in droves as he did his imperially dramatic march back to his apartment.
He was never enough for anyone. No one would ever want someone like him. No one would want to deal with all the fucked up voices he had constantly whispering in his head that he was inadequate, that he was supposed to be alone.
Ben felt the tears come on now because he wanted to live in that moment with Rey. He wanted to hold her. He wanted to wake up to her. He wanted to cook for her and watch her eat like an adorable little gremlin. She was perfect, so perfect for him in every way he thought possible with her comfort, her laugh, her wonderful annoyance with him, her sunshine brightening up his storm clouds.
But he couldn’t, no he could not, no matter how much he wanted it. He was never going to get to be hers.
By the time he got home, he felt like punching something as he slammed the door so hard that he thought it might come off his hinges. Perhaps he should put on his gear and box. That almost hour long walk had certainly sobered him up, but when he looked up and saw her apartment there like it always was, seeing her plants there that he had named and all of her trinkets, all of the fight left him and he felt like collapsing on the floor.
Rey, all he’s ever wanted was her, and he breathed in, his knees hitting the ground while R2 came up and licked him in the face. Now Ben knew, he knew he couldn’t lie to himself anymore.
There weren’t going to be other girls. Not when all he did was think about her anyway. He pulled out his phone and unlocked it, immediately going to Tinder and pressing the uninstall button. It was the easiest decision he ever made.
Except for the fact that he already had a date scheduled with Nicole this upcoming week. He could be a dick and just cancel.
No, if there was one thing he hated doing, it was flaking out on something. It didn’t feel right going out with her again, but he wanted to tell her in person that he really just couldn’t do this. He had tried; he really did try to heed Poe’s advice and move on from Rey, but if tonight was any indication, that was not going to be a possibility. He hoped Nicole would understand, though he would spare her the nitty gritty details of how pitiful and atrocious of a human being he was. They hadn’t even kissed or anything.
He sighed, still on the floor.
So…he wasn’t going to date any other girls, and…he didn’t get to have Rey…
He fell all the way back and laid there for a long time as R2 joined him, cuddling up next to his master as Ben pet him, his only comfort at the moment while trying to ignore the tingle in his ear whenever he thought about Rey’s fingers dancing across his skin.
He cried while he held his dog with the constant of the nighttime sky above him, the cascading shadows of the moon spreading across his apartment.
