Flashback
How is it we can lie
Entwined, as one
And in this state
I am home
Worthy, whole, loved
Then just one look, a smell, a body-memory
Yanks me back in time
I’m right there again
Lying there
Worthless, ashamed, naked, vulnerable.
I recoil at your touch
Your hands are now the same hands that hurt me
My skin crawls
I want nothing more than to climb out of it
To rip it clean off
Burn it.
My throat restricts
The weight of the trauma sitting heavy on my chest
Making it hard to breath
Snake like tendrils wrap themselves around my heart
Squeezing the warmth away
Turning it into a cold, black lump
Which rises up into my throat
Choking me
How is it
In an instant
I can go from loving you implicitly
To hating you like I hate them
Even though you are still right there beside me
It’s like you’re suddenly a million miles away
I feel as cold and alone as I did back then
I freeze and go numb
I feel lost
And I don’t know how to return home.
