Pre-coming out
Today I had a talk with my mom for 2 long hours about life, reaction, society, expectation... all about accepting people and how it can be difficult to talk to them on a subject they don’t accept. Two hours where she seemed to understand and agree until the end and I quote “We just want our children to be happy, having someone by their side and children...” Ok, then, I tried to explain your for that long and here we are, back to the starting point.
Understanding isn’t the same thing than accepting. As children, we just want our parent to be proud and accepting. As parent, I guess (and that’s what we all read and hear during childhood) they just want their kid to be good person and happy. You know the famous “I just want you to be happy, no matter what”.. they just forgot the end of the sentence like “if it fits our criterias of happiness”. For example (and it was pretty obvious for her at that moment) : I can accept you eat osters but I don’t understand it and I never will. On the contrary, I understand that my brother is doing that financial thing but I don’t accept it...
Two hours making some kind of revelation, turning aroud to see where it goes.. unfortunately nowhere. Same loop heard since I’m a baby. How people in this world can be so judgemental and just exclude others for their color, their religion, their sexual orientation... Gosh! Why do you care about how others are living their life. It’s not as if you were constantly with them or living with them. I mean, 2 guys are disgusting for you really? You use that strong word to talk about a human being?
Let’s rewind a little bit : Yes, my family isn’t aware of my sexual orientation, just too afraid to disappoint them like many of you I guess. I won’t dress my family portrait but today was a step for me even if I didn’t really come out, I clearly make that point that starting today, I won’t give a fuck of their opinion or judgement about my private life. Because, let’s be clear, it’s not the people surrounding yourself who’s gonna live with your partner (whatever how he or she identify himself/herself). And yes it took me that long to finally be on that way to think and just don’t care about it. Don’t read between lines, I’ve had girlfriends but I also let the society and my last break up took a wild range of my life. I ever tried to date guys and no it didn’t work as I didn’t wanted to. I didn’t messed with them, we didn’t.. well you know.
I didn’t come out but I feel releave anyway. There is no turning back, there is no more pressure (a bit but nevermind). They won’t understand and they won’t accept it but for the first time I just don’t care. I just want to be happy with myself and this is huge.
Thanks for reading