I thought it would be easier with time. Turn out it’s not.
I discover I was gay when I was younger and I thought at that moment that it was just a phase. A phase that is still there nowadays. I can’t deny it, I am gay. Every time I tried to become closer to boys, putting all my effort in the communication, I met a girl and immediately forgot everything else because she created butterflies in my stomach and made me feel like no one.
My first girlfriend was a long-distance one and I was 18. She came to my parents’ without them to notice anything. I was that close to coming out to them but she asked me back then to not to because she didn’t want them to “hate” her. My parents’ are very conservative and my father is a practicing Christian. For 18 years, I’ve heard a lot of comments: that’s disgusting, gay people are sick, etc... the common homophobic phrases. Each time, I found a way to escape the conversation after saying that people, whatever they identify themselves are allowed to be who they want to be. No reaction.
I came out to one guy in my class when my GF and I broke up. I was devasted mostly because I had to hide this part of my life. And this was the beginning of my double life. I had some other GF without them to notice even if they went home! Omg, it’s unbelievable. The way I talk to my mom about them should have made her known...
Then I had a job, an apartment and still. I focused on my work, my career and my head full of doubts. A friend went to my apartment and kissed me. It didn’t feel right, no feelings, no butterflies, nothing. I had to push him away because he knew I was gay a long time before he came.
Now, as my brother is a dush and my parents’ getting older, they “have” all their hopes on me: when are you gonna introduce you a bf, when are we going to be grandparents, etc...
My mom has a friend whose daughter lives now with a woman. So I said two days ago: “Mom, I’m gonna do like your friend’s daughter and live with a woman”. No reaction except “That’s less disgusting than men but still. We’re not going to be here forever, you know, we want to see you happy, with a husband and children...“ God! When you think it’s ok and the mentality is changing, it’s not, it’s just a facade.
I recently read and follow 2 gays girls which made me realize a lot of things and the most important is: you can’t pretend to be straight and try to persuade yourself if you’re not. You make your own happiness and you have to take actions.
I’m torn and cry a lot because I don’t know, I don’t know when they’re gonna leave me alone with all that and I can’t tell them without breaking their heart, their hope but in the same time, I prevent my own life to be lived.
I just want all that to stop.
