Lover Dearest *Updated*
A/N: Hey guys! I’m not sure how long some of you reading have been a part of this blog but since I’m returning from a two year hiatus, I’m going to go ahead and assume most of you are new. Hi! I was a fanfic writer for Criminal Minds and Supernatural back in 2017. I went through a lot of personal stuff around the time I stopped posting and my mental health was at an all time low. But! I’m back with a peace offering. Lover Dearest is one the first fics I’ve ever written. It was inspired by the song by Mariana’s Trench. It has always been one of my favourites to go back and reread and I’ve always wanted to see if I was able to rewrite it and make it a little longer for you guys. I used a lot of the same language and elements so it’s not an entirely different fic but I did make it a little longer and more descriptive for you! Hopefully, you guys like it! This is the first piece I have written in about three years so please keep that in mind and go easy on me lol. Alright, now let’s get into it!
TW: DRUG USE. DEPRESSION. SUICIDE MENTION. Intense language.
@dontshootmespence wanted a tag! <3 I’m sorry in advance... I have my next fic planned out and I promise it’ll be fluffy goodness!
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Spencer’s POV
This place is a hole, and I don’t wanna go. I wish we could stay here, Forever alone.
You rolled over in your bed, the shrieking of your alarm clock echoing in your brain like you had the worst hangover in the world. You lifted your arm and tapped the off button with the tips of your finger before bringing both of your fists to your temples, curling up into your blankets; your body shook. It was 6pm, you had fallen asleep a few hours prior. You laid there, sore all over and still for what felt like hours, though it was likely only a few moments. You were groggy again and not long after the initial phase of disorientation wore off, you were struck with the familiar feeling of guilt, the cloud of emptiness that begged your body for more life. You hated every part of you that continued to enable yourself to self destruct but yet you feel like you couldn’t stop it; you knew that there was only one way to fix what you were feeling and it was waiting for you in the bedside table drawer- calling your name, driving you closer and closer. This time that we waste, but I still love your taste. Don’t let him take my place, don’t just sit there.
You groaned as you pushed yourself up to a sitting position, then to standing. Your body felt heavy as you began to stumble over to the drawer, even though it was probably the lightest it’s ever been, given the fact you were an adult man standing at six feet tall. Your mind was unusually quiet which normally would concern you but you felt there wasn’t much use for your mind right now. If it was so smart- why couldn’t you have saved her? You have always wanted to learn everything you could about Alzheimer's; you thought maybe if you could find a way to understand everything there was to know about the disease, you could figure out how to stop it in time to save her. But you couldn’t. You let the woman who gave you life- die, lost inside her own mind. Much like you were right now. You knew your friends were worried about you but you tried not to let them see to what extent you were truly hurting. Thinking of her hurt so much, you’d rather feel nothing.
Sometimes, I wish you would leave me. I’m not sick of you yet. Is that as good as it gets? I’ll just say it; I could slip into you, it’s so easy to come back into you.
Your hands shook as you pulled the drawer open, revealing a vile of dilaudid along with some syringes, alcohol swabs and some small cotton threads. You sighed and grabbed what you needed and headed for the bathroom. It was your go-to space for what you were about to do. The nausea came almost immediately after the injection so you needed to be ready and near the toilet, just in case things were to go in that direction once again. You finally reached the sink and held onto the sides, you hunched over but stared at your face in the mirror. You barely recognized yourself. Those dark and sunken eyes have seen a lot of darkness over the years but nothing could have prepared you for the way she left you. It’s the hardest ;thing you’ve ever gone through. All the cases, all the times you almost lost against an unsub, nothing could compare to losing your best friend.
I stared for a while, and waited for words. Seen but not heard, and struggled to try.
My tongue’s turning black, but I’ll take you back. You’re still the best, more or less, I guess.
There was a part of you that knew this was wrong. That part of you ached and pleaded for you to give in and call JJ or Derek, or even Hotchner. But this side of you knew you could never do that to them. You could never let them feel this pain that you felt. Instead of facing the truth, in fear of being that disappointment, you hid your pain away but that’s what addiction is, right? Not being able to stop these thoughts? You took one last glance at yourself, just to see who it was looking back at you. It wasn’t you. This man was old, pale and fragile. His face was covered with patchy skin and dirt, where his hair wasn’t thinning, it was clumped and matted. Is this the man everyone else saw? No one ever commented on it, did they see it too? This man was hurting, begging for help but no one could hear. You almost felt as if this was better. No one would forgive you for this anyway.
You laid your arm against the porcelain sink, feeling a slight shiver run down your spine as the chilled glass made contact your skin. Your eyes bounced in between all your bruises, past markings and scars. You prepped your arm and took a deep breath in, slowly piercing the needle through your skin and pushing the poison into your vein. Your exhale was a whimper and your head fell. You knew you should stop but you needed more, you felt at peace- like, nothing could ever harm you ever again and you were free. It was so beautiful and you were sure it was Heaven. And she was there with you, holding out her hand for you to hold. You reached for her. Before you connected, you were brought back to reality. You lost your remaining strength and the needle fell with you onto the floor as you collapsed onto your knees. You cried out so loudly, people walking on the street below your apartment could probably hear. You gripped the toilet bowl and vomited intensely before your vision closed in and you dropped to the floor.
And it hurts me to say, that I want you to stay. But it might be alright if you go.
So leave me. I’m not sick of you yet. Is that as good as it gets? I’ll just hide it. I could slip into you, It’s so easy to come back into you.
You weren’t sure how long you were out for but you did know that you were in a lot of pain. It felt like knives stabbing in and out, over and over, all over. Your head pounded against your skull and the ringing in your ears intensified as you leaned over the toilet bowl again, releasing nothing but bile. That’s when you noticed the blood, it was everywhere but you didn’t know where it was coming from.
“Fuck.” You started to panic. You suddenly realized the severity of the decision you made. You didn’t want to die here like this, it was a mistake. It was an accident! Your heartbeat quickened as you tried to fight the urge to pass out once more. You scanned the room looking for your phone but you couldn’t see it anywhere. You used every muscle in your body to carry yourself across the floor on your hands and knees. You were determined to make it to your bed again but the pain was so intense. You collapsed again when you exited the bathroom. When you awoke, you were laying in a pool of your own sweat, vomit and blood. You looked and noticed you weren’t that far from your bedside table. You needed to push on. Reaching for the surface, you knocked your phone to the floor. Luckily, JJ was in your recent calls as you were talking to her earlier that morning. You pressed her name and laid beside your phone on the floor, “JJ…” you cried softly.
…
“Spence? Hello?” She spoke. She listened to your quiet, broken voice speak to her. You told her everything. “I’ll be right there. We’ll get you through this. Please hold on.”