RYAN: -it's been another long day at work, but the walk from the shuttle stop to her apartment feels even longer as the white noise of city life in the background offers little distraction from the worries buzzing around in her head. sometimes drowning it out with music helps, but tonight she isn't really feeling it and simply lets it all happen during her trek.-
JACK: -Ryan seems so out of it she might not even notice the hobo guy sitting at the top of a city mailbox like he's riding a horse. He's not homeless exactly, but he is wearing his trenchcoat and crocs combo. Jack looks like he's kind of... people watching? Impossible. This man is blind. No way to prove his lost whatsoever.-
RYAN: -yeah right, like there's any way she's going to miss THAT. she does have to do a double take as she passes, though.- ...
RYAN: jack. :thinking: -doesn't really question his being there, just observes it. that's him alright.-
JACK: -was in the middle of guzzling a handful of trail mix.- Hm? -turns his head as if to listen closer.-
JACK: God? Long time no hear from you, bud. You sound attractive. Love what you're doing with the voice.
RYAN: yep. its me. gorgeous and deserving of worship. :sparkles:
RYAN: just popping in to ask... whats goin on lil dude? having a nice sit down on that mailbox there? think theres room for a little divine intervention so to speak?
JACK: In the wise words of lyrical poets come and past-- maybe. Just maybe. You'll gonna be the one that saves me.
JACK: And after all.
JACK: You're my Wonderwall.
JACK: -scoots forward and invitingly pats the space behind him.-
RYAN: -snorts and shimmies over to take a seat on the mailbox, sitting back to back with him.- its always refreshing to hear a devout young man reciting hymns.
RYAN: -kicks her legs as she dangles them off the side, looking all around at the city.- this is an interesting new vantage point.
JACK: Wouldn't know. But I think there's a perfume-slash-soap store upwind.
JACK: Guess I am enjoying the sights in a way.
RYAN: -she thinks she peeps the soap store. confirmed.- you do look like you have your eye on something.
JACK: I'll try to reel that in a little. -munches some granola.-
JACK: I'd ask what you're doing out here but...
JACK: That seems a little inappropriate.
RYAN: uh yeah. -peers over her shoulder at him with a brow raised.- considering i live a few blocks away.
JACK: Hmmmm.
JACK: I guess that explains a few things.
RYAN: ... jack.
RYAN: are you lost?
RYAN: and if you answer that with some cryptic witticism im gonna shove you off this mailbox.
JACK: That's asking a lot. -Grunts. But he doesn't really feel like explaining himself so he leaves it that.-
RYAN: -sass is definitely MUCH WORSE so she just looks ahead again, irritated.-
RYAN: i guess it doesnt matter either way.
JACK: You're probably right about that. You're so... -makes a point of picking through his words as carefully as possible.-
JACK: Understanding.
RYAN: -feels her cheeks burning suddenly. maybe she's just tired after a long day, but she's feeling more defensive than usual.- are you being sarcastic?
JACK: No. You're not...
JACK: Doing anything wrong. -brushes his hands of granola. It's free for the birds now.-
RYAN: -shoulders slump as her frustration fizzles out suddenly, but her head still feels hot and a little dizzy.-
RYAN: ... its hard to tell sometimes.
JACK: It's not your fault. -he could swear under his breath.- But maybe that's the problem.
JACK: God.
JACK: I should elaborate. -rubs at his face with a deep sigh.- Neither of us know what the hell we're doing. And it doesn't help when...
JACK: Neither of us know whether what the other is doing is bad until it's too late.
JACK: I've just been taking note of that that familiar creeping feeling where... I've been absent. But I don't realize I'm doing it til I'm walking circles in the middle of fucking nowhere and the only reason we're talking right now, is because you came out here by chance.
JACK: ...
JACK: Why are you the one looking for me but it's never the other way around? And why...
JACK: Why are you putting up with that.
RYAN: -the dizziness is making her stomach churn at this point and all she can think to do to settle it is draw in deep breaths. it takes her a second to think, to really think of what the answer might be.-
RYAN: maybe cuz i think its some way of repenting? i dunno.
RYAN: you know when i left i... left this giant mess. everyone worrying about me. and burned by me. i just...
RYAN: i guess i dont blame you for not wanting to be around me because nobody really does.
RYAN: and i keep hoping i can make up for it if i try to reach out to people. and try to fix it. but you...
RYAN: ...
RYAN: if im really not at fault here like youre saying then that theory is gonna get me nowhere fast huh? suppose it already has.
JACK: I just have to ask you.
JACK: Why it's worth compromising letting people treat you like hell. -fingers grip at the metal below.-
JACK: I'm not...
JACK: Helping you be a better person, Ryan. I'm not helping you at all.
JACK: I'm selfish, I'm mean, I'm---
JACK: Fucking crazy? And all you ever do is try and try your damndest to make me feel like a real person.
JACK: When I don't. I really don't.
JACK: So why do you end up with all the crap?
JACK: Don't you see how wrong it is??
RYAN: -a tight stinging throat adds to the plethora of unpleasant physical manifestations of her awful emotions. why does this have to keep happening this way? it really seems like she falls into the same habits over and over. and it always blows up in her face.-
RYAN: i dont know???
RYAN: i mean is it???? yeah maybe i dont feel like i deserve it but at the same time i have all this evidence stacked against me that says actually ryan in some ways you kinda do deserve to go through hell to get even a sliver of heaven.
RYAN: it just. it fucking sucks. -pushes at tears that she can't keep back any longer.-
RYAN: because youre right. i dont know what im doing any more than you do. nothing i do makes any sense to me. nothing ever seems to work out. everyone around me ends up distant and more often than not im the one creating the distance.
RYAN: the only thing that ever seemed to make any sense to me was how i felt when i was with you but thats-- thats not...
RYAN: enough. is it?
JACK: N... -faulters a moment, unsure of his answer.- I don't think so.
JACK: I just...
JACK: Can't be someone who gets away with this crap. Who can't even pull his shit together enough to make you feel like--
JACK: You're supposed to feel when you're together with someone. Like all this struggle and strife is worth it because...
JACK: At the end of the day, you're a better person when you're with them. But between us... Fuck.
JACK: It's just not true. -he takes a deep shaking breath, hating himself with every minute.- Ryan...
JACK: Why'd we get back into this. We really... were not ready for it.
RYAN: -she's trembling too, still slumped slightly against his back and savoring the touch knowing exactly how this going to end. she laughs, an awful aching, watery laugh, before she answers his question, rhetorical as it might be.-
RYAN: we did it cuz were stupid.
RYAN: we dont know whats good for us in any other aspect of our lives so-- fuck! -the nervous smiles crack into sobs. but it's still funny, because after everything she's gone through lately, this is the first time she's really let herself hurt, or let herself cry.-
JACK: -He's just... shitty. He feels it happening as they speak. He can't face her or do anything but let her lean against his back. Somewhere in all the heavy, Jack's hand reaches to find hers.-
RYAN: -she grasps back, entwining fingers and holding tight. it feels desperate, but she can't deny that it helps her calm down... after she lets herself cry a little bit longer, anyways. she tilts her head back against his shoulder to look up at the stars.-
RYAN: -it used to be that she'd stare at the sky and only want to flee far away from any kind of pain or confusion. but for once, she feels tethered to the earth, and maybe that seems she's finally grounded herself, if only a little. maybe that means progress. it's hard to tell with an aching heart, but with jack holding her hand despite everything, she feels like maybe healing is still possible for her.-
RYAN: ... -sniffles.- you should go home.
JACK: I will.
JACK: Just felt like the fresh air was doing me better than sitting in one place. -just keeps holding her hand-
RYAN: okay. cool.
RYAN: ... yeah.
RYAN: i agree. -well... she's not letting go either.-
