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My Cat Woke Me Up To Feed Her and Now I Can't Get Back to Sleep: An Autobiography

#princeof8reath #princeof8reath text post #get to sleep Forrest

So I know I never really post anything of my own here anymore, but I don't really know where else to put my thoughts. This will probably be a jumbled mess and I probably won't proofread it. A lot of this will probably be really selfish and I hate when I get like that. As a person, I used to be selfless, I was raised to be selfless, but I went through a selfish phase that I'm trying desperately to get out of. So please, bear with me for this bout of selfishness or just ignore it altogether; either is fine. When we're kids, our birthdays are one of the biggest things we so desperately await for each year, and everyone makes a deal out of it. A bunch of friends, parents, teachers, family friends, and sometimes just random kids would make a big deal out of it. Even if you didn't get loads of presents or anything, you at least felt special and important on YOUR birthday. As we grow older, more and more people care less and less about it though. Birthday wishes from rarely conversed friends on Facebook are nice and all, but nothing says "Happy Birthday!" like a specially made gift from the ones we love and care about, the ones we want to have care about us. I've noticed over the past few years, that my birthday has become one of my most dreaded days of the year. In hindsight, I think I've found my explanation as to why this is. As we age, less effort is put into celebrating our lives. Most people by the age of 19 don't get parties thrown like when they were 9, and I can understand that life gets busy, friends move on, family just doesn't have the money for parties. But I just don't feel special on the special day anymore. For the past few years, my birthday has made me feel inadequate, incomplete, upset, unwanted. Depressed is the word I want to use, but that seems dramatic and unfair, misinformed, just not right. But I can't seem to think of any other thing to call it besides 'birthday depression'. I go to sleep the night before crying because I know that nothing anyone does will make me feel important like my earlier birthdays used to. I don't tell my newer friends at school, I don't expect to get any presents, I don't feel older, I don't feel like letting the world know it's my birthday, I don't want to tell the world that I feel like I deserve one day out of the year to feel important, like I matter, I don't want the world to judge me for wanting to feel important. Any time someone personally tells me happy birthday, or helps me actually feel good about myself on that day, I want to break down in tears because of just something so small. I don't know how to handle my birthday anymore. I don't know what I want as gifts when I'm asked even though I've spent all year adding to my wish list on Amazon or mentioning things I want, but when the question finally comes, I blank, I don't know, I feel horrible if I ask for anything, I feel empty if I don't get anything, I feel like I don't deserve anything. I don't feel like eating, I don't feel like celebrating, talking, walking, waking, wishing, laughing, loving. I don't want to do anything, I wish I could erase my birthday from the year so I won't have to feel so empty. I wish time could just fast forward 27 hours from now so I miss my own birthday and so no one has to bother with it. I don't want to feel anything because that seems better than feeling so bad on a day that I've been raised to think was all about making me feel special in an ocean of billions. Through all of this talk of not wanting to make a big deal out of it though, I want people to treat me like I'm important in some way, to get me random gifts they thought I'd like, to get me funny birthday cards, to give me a gift card to Gamestop that has nowhere near enough money to buy any game there, because it's the thought behind it that matters. I want to wake up to feeling like I matter, to going to sleep feeling like I matter. I want to feel important again. That's what I want from my birthday. I want people to celebrate my life like I'm a kid again, filled with all the wonder in the world and all the sci-fi imagination a child's brain can hold. I don't want to dread my birthday anymore, I don't want to cry before I go to sleep and I don't want to cry when I finally decide where I want to go out for dinner because I feel obligated to, because I don't want to let my family down. I want to feel good again on my birthday, I don't want sadness and hate for myself. I want to feel important even to the people that I just started hanging out with in college. I want to get mysterious presents from well known friends. I want to spend time with the people who love me and I don't want to feel horrible about being alive anymore. I want tomorrow to be fantastic, I want tomorrow to be the start of a new set of birthdays. A set that makes me feel good about myself without making me feel selfish, without making me hate who I am as a person. I want birthdays to be important again.

#princeof8reath #princeof8reath text post #birthday depression #I'm sorry for all of this #I know it's a lot and you don't have to read it #I just wanted to get these words out and find some way to express how I feel #I'm sorry it's so selfish #thank you if you did read this though

The Disney Town world in Birth By Sleep is the worst. The music haunts me forever.

#kh #kingdom hearts #princeof8reath

I'm not crying, you're crying

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