Advice on fleshing out DOM/sub dynamics? My wife (or should I say mommy) and I have been experimenting in the bedroom
(I came clean about my MDLB fantasies and padded fixation during our honeymoon believe it or not)
But she isn't the most "alpha" or confident when it comes to anything so she isn't very used to taking the lead. Though she's expressed time and again how she wants to improve and can see the fun in this possible dynamic.
I'm super thankful she was even open to this to begin with, but I might just be a little bit of a masochist and would like a bit more playful teasing/humiliating in the bedroom. Any tips on how to work through it and/or how I can help her without fully taking the lead from her?
ABSOLUTELY AND AWESOME QUESTION!!!!
I can group my answer into sort of 3 basic concepts/ answers and I think that this will legitimately help. Your issue(s) are focused on not knowing what to do, not being clear on expectations, and both trying to not top from the bottom while still giving someone new to topping/ Dominance a bit of a break, right?
I CAN BREAK THIS INTO 3 CORE ISSUES TO HELP WITH:
1) PRE-SET EXPECTATIONS/ INTENTIONS
2) PREEMPTIVELY MAKE IT EASIER FOR YOU BOTH
3) REWARD EFFORT AND BUILD ON SUCCESS
PRE-SET EXPECTATIONS AND INTENTIONS!
You can't go into this, nor should she, with the idea that you're going to look or act a specific way. You need to be a bit more clear on your expectations, and your partner needs to do the same. Is the goal for you two to have a 'scene' or to adopt it more organically into your daily life? Is she trying to adopt a mommy-domme lifestyle dynamic, or is she into helping you just open up about kink?
You both need to be really clear about your desires and plans so you can act accordingly. If your mommy domme wants to peg, dominate, own, and control you 24/7 vs incorporate cute ABDL and MDLB dynamics every once in a while... very different outcomes. So you need to be honest about what you want, and how you want her to act. Do you want a Dominant Mommy (emphasis on the DOMME) who treats you like a slave and degrades or humiliates you about diapers and regression? Or a sweet and loving and gentle mommy who plays with your stuffies and you in bed to help you fall asleep? Your partner sounds unsure about what to do... and that makes TOTAL sense given they literally don't know about what you're looking for, and you don't know what kind of SUB they might be imagining.
So you need to be clear, plan ahead, be open and give a LOT of examples for your novice partner to follow, and I still also recommend they find blogs, videos, or articles that introduce them at their own pace to this kink. Have them read the "understanding infantilism" blog, or if you focus on diapers, ageplay, forced regression, unpotty training, MDLB, or any specific area of this kink... clarify it so your mommy KNOWS what you're looking for! Even if that means being more open and explicit about your desires than you're used to.
PRE-EMPTIVELY MAKE IT EASIER ON YOURSELVES:
Start slow, following clear plans, and expand from there. What I mean is... if you're with someone who is new and looking for guidance, don't expect them to suddenly adopt this for all areas of life and give them a script of sorts to help them establish confidence. Similarly, be really low on any expectations. Your goal is to set this up so your partner feels successful and learns to get confident and express herself safely. You want her to be more dominant, confident, etc... which feels impossible if they have no idea what to do and are floundering in their own heads!
So start with really basic things that are almost scripted. Like... she wants you to be her subby baby? Set up language that she can use to enforce it and tell her what you want ahead of time. Don't expect her to know what level to hit.... cuz you don't know if she thinks you want to be cruelly domme'd by Hardcore sadist... or if she thinks you want to be spoiled by a domme who never really has to push hard because you're so eager to please!
Start with simple terms to use, start with little events or scenes instead of a lifestyle dynamic, frequently check in both as the submissive and dominant, and go out of your way to build up the confidence and security of the new Dominant Mommy who might need more reassurance and confidence building!
I also strongly suggested above that you give some blogs or stuff that set the tone you want? This is even more true here. Someone not as into the kink as you mount genuinely have no idea how to fulfill your interests... but seeing a blog of similar content, tone, actions, and style sure makes it easier!
So don't have major expectations, communicate your goals, start off small and move on at the new domme's pace, if it's slower than yours, and check in frequently. All of this will make it feel much less high pressure and much more achievable because you're not asking to adopt a 24/7 lifestyle immediately... you're just asking her to call you munchkin, or just asking if she'd be the big spoon while cuddling... you know, small, starter things that build the dynamic and confidence concurrently!
3) REWARD EFFORT AND BUILD ON SUCCESS
No seriously... REWARD any effort on either of your parts. Did your mommy call you babyboy? Tell them how much you like it. Did they bring you water in a sippy cup? Well they put forth an effort: match it and reward them with your littleness, your affection, etc.
The trick in my experience to this is not having unrealistic expectations, recognizing Dominance is a role and about confidence, and building your partner up until that role feels less challenging.
You need to make sure at every stage that you both give positive feedback when something works for you and is fun, or is even just an effort! If you're living with a woman who you want to be your mommy domme and you treat her like she's just a simple roommate... she doesn't see you as that submissive, loving, sweet, dependent little babyboy! But if you make sure to reinforce the times she does act dommy, if you reward her emotionally, and if you consistently and slowly build her confidence in her role, her relationship, and her Dominance, it becomes less of a burden and more of a role she can thrive in and enjoy.
But if you're with someone who doesn't feel like a lifestyle, 24/7 Domme... THAT'S FINE TOO cuz you didn't specifically seek out a 24/7 domme! This is just one very key warning, and sorry to be a Downerwhen i add it, but this is more for general knowledge than to you specifically: Don't expect someone to become what you want now, if you didn't seek that out to begin with!
Instead, reward people for trying to expand and meet new challenges. Make it safe to explore and grow, and try out new things.. this is scary for you, especially acknowledging your kinks and your desires... but you're potentially forgetting your partner needs at least as much reassurance, guidance, and confidence in this as you, because they likely don't have the same kinky underlying desires and needs! So you need to foster, reward, and encourage their willing exploration and curiosity.
So... hopefully that helped and if not and you wanted like really specific terms, or scenes or anything else... give me a shout! As you see, I'm happy to reply at length and give my opinion! Even if I need to also cautiously remind everyone reading this that I'm not a relationship expert or therapist, I'm just a kinky dude sharing my thoughts and experiences!
I hope it helps and you can explore and enjoy!
Good luck, little buddy, and best of luck to your Mommy too. You're both always welcome to chat to me or my own mommy domme love and my betrothed/fiance, @giggle-byte !
And as always, stay happy, stay healthy, and stay kinky!