#probablyneedtherapy

[dogswh1teteeth]

chainsmoking my thoughts away

[stonedrafts]

Care Care Care Care

I care too much. And one of my biggest sources of anxiety is that I’m terrified to admit that I care at all. If I open my mouth I’m afraid a whole string of gulping, gasping words will fall out & the whole world will see how much I truly care. Far too much.

And then what? In my head I will be surrounded by laughter. Hands pointing at my red, tear-stained face. 

It’s what I grew up with. Humiliation, shame, guilt, cruel jokes and exploitation of feelings.

I wish at some point I’d been treated with kindness, care and affection. Because then it would be easier to express how deeply my heart aches for my friends when they are upset. My mind tells me to be quiet, as I am so afraid of showing emotion. I cannot speak when I try. The words physically catch in the lump in my throat, while my eyes fill up with frustrated tears. And like a salmon, plucked out of water I am dumbly unable to breathe. Flapping about silently, wishing I could say how I feel.

I care a great deal about everything. I wish I wasn’t so bloody traumatised. I wish I could talk.

There is so much tension in my mind and body. I can’t unwind it without tears and panic. And I don’t want anybody to see me like that. I don’t believe they’d still love me afterwards.