Stone

Drafts or Rafts? Stone or Stoned? Both or None?

[stonedrafts]

You are capable of so much more than you think.

This is a cruel world. We’ve been taught from day one to fit in and to sit down quietly. To eat only during lunch breaks and work till retirement. To obey archaic laws and earn money for the people “higher up”.

So many people don’t feel at home in this world. Isolated because the government, the society, the richest bloodlines and greediest minds hold of all the power. These people have their own interests in mind when they pass laws. 

They will continue to punish those on benefits, making it as hard as possible to escape poverty. Mental health services are underfunded. Drugs are illegal and addicts are punished for abusing them instead of being offered help. The entire criminal system is designed to punish and instill fear, rather than rehabilitating.

Nothing is going to change unless the people make it clear we won’t continue as cogs in a broken system. Our leaders are rich, privately educated narcissistic with no concept of what it means to be one of the “people”. 

They tell us to be small and normal. Don’t act up for fear of imprisonment. They set us against each other. Benefit fraud is not the cause for national debt. They tell us lies and watch us fight. Money can only buy them so much power. For that level of control, rifts in society are key. United we are too strong.

I’m disgusted by it. The world is mentally ill, exhausted by the facade of normality. Exhausted by the prospect of working towards a goal which isn’t your own.

We could unite. We could make big changes in the world. The fight for goodness and equality shouldn’t be difficult but laws are held in place by those benefitting from them. Each of our voices are small, but they’re louder than we give them credit for. Especially when we stand together and chant.

So do it.

Write that post. Go to that parade. Argue with that family member. Stand up for what you believe in. 

And believe in change! Systemic change!

Let’s keep working towards reforming the police; shattering the glass ceiling; justice for breonna taylor and every other black life taken in white greed; fight against inequality please. 

We really do have the power to change the world. 

Don’t stop fighting. 

[lifeinpoetry]

First, you must learn desire. Hold its fruit in your hands. Unmarry it from the hunger to be held, to be wanted, to be called from the streets like the family dog. You are not a good girl. You are not somebody’s otherness. This is not a dress rehearsal before a better kind of life.

— Kate Baer, from “To Take Back a Life,” What Kind of Woman

[stonedrafts]

I can never remember anything

Anemoia: nostalgia for a time you’ve never known.

.

.

Sometimes, I feel I am reaching

into the past. Blindly grasping

darkness. Empty handfuls hope

to touch times which never last.

 .

.

I shake as I seek the comfort

of my mother’s hand. Slice open my palm

on not fingers, but a sharp tongue.

Cowering like a scared dog, too scared

Not to lash out. To trust.

 .

.

When I bleed my mind is red and numb,

And I wish that my blood was gloss, and I could

Pour it over my memory like a photograph,

Or glass! Red glass like a church window.

Framing each memory, over my eyes the way

I used to hold quality street wrappers to them.

And I’d dye the world red. It was better then.

 .

.

Quality street wrappers. 3D glasses. Hope. Hope.

And cinemas. I remember I was happy. Running

Up and down over sofa cushion hurdles.

I remember I was happy. Is it real or red?

 .

.

I retreat back to reality. To escape the fear

Of seeing through the filter. The silent gasps

Of lonely tears. A half-drunk cup of tea.

The cold light from my laptop screen.

 .

.

I’m back and I can’t remember. I’ll write instead.

[stonedrafts]

Care Care Care Care

I care too much. And one of my biggest sources of anxiety is that I’m terrified to admit that I care at all. If I open my mouth I’m afraid a whole string of gulping, gasping words will fall out & the whole world will see how much I truly care. Far too much.

And then what? In my head I will be surrounded by laughter. Hands pointing at my red, tear-stained face. 

It’s what I grew up with. Humiliation, shame, guilt, cruel jokes and exploitation of feelings.

I wish at some point I’d been treated with kindness, care and affection. Because then it would be easier to express how deeply my heart aches for my friends when they are upset. My mind tells me to be quiet, as I am so afraid of showing emotion. I cannot speak when I try. The words physically catch in the lump in my throat, while my eyes fill up with frustrated tears. And like a salmon, plucked out of water I am dumbly unable to breathe. Flapping about silently, wishing I could say how I feel.

I care a great deal about everything. I wish I wasn’t so bloody traumatised. I wish I could talk.

There is so much tension in my mind and body. I can’t unwind it without tears and panic. And I don’t want anybody to see me like that. I don’t believe they’d still love me afterwards.

[stonedrafts]

I’m Behind

I’ve never been a regular user on Tumblr. 

But recently I’ve been looking for a place to vent. Where nobody I know will see my posts. Twitter, Instagram, snapchat: they are all too public. When I post my innermost thoughts I feel exposed. 

Well, I think Tumblr is the answer. Hopefully I can find friends and like-minded people. 

I plan to share snippets of my diary entries which include poems, deep thoughts, silly jokes and often politics as well. I’m 18, studying psychology at university & am overwhelmed by life at the moment. 

This blog will become a diary of sorts, a venting place. If you are somehow reading my first post - by some magical or algorithmic miracle - I hope you are having a good day. Check out my page, or don’t (but I hope you do)

- Stonedrafts