#problem horse

[221b-bakerstreet-camelot]

They flattened my son

[myblackmare]

I think one thing people don’t mention about having a horse who has recovered from a severe injury is the constant self-doubt. Even when they’re doing well. The constant thoughts of “Am I doing what is right and best by them? Are they okay? Am I being selfish by continuing to ride them? When will I have to retire them?” Which is hard for me because I know Lily is the healthiest she’s ever been and her sports therapist says she feels incredible but I’m just so paranoid. 

And the constant question of “Is she not doing the thing I’m asking her to do because she doesn’t want to or because she physically can’t?” and “Does she not want to do it because it hurts or does she just not understand?”

[myblackmare]

So the saddle fitter said both her saddles fit perfectly. And that he is 100% sure it isn't the saddle fit that is causing her discomfort. Which sucks. I was really hoping it was the saddle because that's an easy fix but it's not so aghhhh. That means that the discomfort in her withers is being caused by something else. I was hoping that the saddle was pinching her withers, which made her not reach under with her hind correctly because it hurt her back. (Which would have explained why she presented lameness under saddle but not when being lunged tackless). But it's not... so poop. Now I'm just going to stress more because the way she expressed pain before I discovered her back issues was intermittent, very subtle lameness on the right hind. It seemed to have no cause or cure, it would just come and go. (And when it was presented it would only be noticeable under saddle, not on the ground). Eventually I learned it was coming from pain in her spine. Now I'm so scared that something's happened again and that the slight lameness and inability to track up from the right hind is the newest sign. I don't want to get her sports therapist out again so soon because she is so busy and I don't want to be a bother if it turns out nothing is wrong. Ahh the pains of being a stress-head with horses.

[myblackmare]

Blegh feel so poop rn. When I went to ride Lily last she felt so stiff and gross, she kept trying to jig jog the entire time, wouldn’t respond to my aids and felt super lame on the right hind. She was dragging it under on the lunge and wasn’t tracking up at all. 

I know her sports therapist said it was just a muscle strain but I’m worried it’s something more because she said I’d be able to do light riding and it would be better within a week because it didn’t feel too bad but it just seems to have gotten worse. And if it is something else then me lunging her could just make it worse. 

Lily is notorious for hiding what’s wrong. I mean... she had a twisted spine full of scar tissue for over 5 years and we all thought she just had a bit of muscle soreness that was pretty normal for a horse in work. She hides her pain so well. It makes me stressed that this little limp and dragging in the hind is just the tip of a huge iceberg. 

But I also don’t want to call her sports therapist again because I feel like a paranoid mum and it makes me embarrassed.

[myblackmare]

She is the hunchback of the barn. She finally has a rug back on after that shitty wither rub, but she's got some lovely sponges on her bib to keep her comfy.

[myblackmare]

(Bottom photo is flipped) 2015-2017

Being with Lily everyday it’s easy to forget where we’ve come from. It’s easy to feel trapped in an endless cycle of treatments and vet bills. We have progressed. We have moved forward. 

In the top photo, if I didn’t rip Lily’s head down, that was how she would hold it. Up high, braced, in pain. And I- being new and inexperienced to the little ins and outs of Lily- thought it was just her. Her being an idiot and pulling through the aids and trying to bolt off. Her being the pain in the ass horse I’d somehow ended up with. 

Now I know better, I know that now, if I let the reins loose, Lily hangs her head as low as she can. I know that to get her head down is not the end goal of life. And that for her to do it the whole ride is unrealistic and unfair. “Collection comes from the hind” I tell myself, “headset is nothing without impulsion”. It’s easy to forget and revert back to old habits, but I need to remind myself who Lily is. What she needs. 

I could never sell Lily, mostly because no one would buy her. She’s riddled with anxiety, is incredibly aggressive to strangers/ most horses, difficult to ride, unable to jump/ perform higher level dressage movements (hell she can’t even hold a frame for an entire ride), she has a medical history longer than mine (twisted vertebrae, scar tissue galore, extreme muscle damage, nerve damage, spinal deviation, impalement injury, plenty of scarring on her face and body, incredibly sensitive (break out prone) skin and she gets heat welts in the sun) and her diet reads more like a witches potion. She has specific instructions on how she should be ridden to avoid her muscles seizing. Who would buy her? No one. 

Thinking about that is so easy to resent her, to feel trapped by her. Because even if I wanted to sell her, I’d never get rid of her. But I don’t resent her. I love her. More than I’ve loved any other being ever. It reminds me of this: “I hate the way I don't hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.”

The day I met her I think she picked me, not the other way round. (Because why the hell would you buy a horse that tried to bite you when you walked up to it??) And after that test ride, when I stood next to her, wobbling the fat of her neck, I knew. She knew. She had found someone who would deal with all of her emotional/ physical baggage. 

I’ve sacrificed a lot for her, I’ve struggled a lot, cried a lot. And it’s been so worth it. And now I’m sitting here in bed, rubbing sleep from my eyes so I can go get dressed, so that I can go and meet Lily’s sports therapist for Lily’s next treatment. I’ll hold her while she snaps and pins her ears as her therapist touches the sore spots. I’ll pat her pissed off mare face, and kiss her scrunched up nose. I’ll probably cry if the therapist says something good (but it’s okay because the therapist has cried about Lily too), I’ll cry because it’s been a hard road. And there’s been lots of times when I thought I’d have to put Lily down, when she was so sore I had to consider whether or not it was fair on her to keep the bullshit going.  It’s been hard, it’s been painful, but it’s all worth it. 

[myblackmare]

She was just leaning on me and being a sook... it's not my fault she had to get a medicated soak.

[myblackmare]

From Lily's sports therapy session today. She's got more cool tape. 😊