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Thoughts from January 8th

10W5D (actual date)

In my last post I was describing my 1st prenatal appointment. Honestly, I should have just finished it then. Now, all of the intensity I felt surrounding that day has faded a bit.

Basically, I texted Mr. Blackman about the ultrasound that was to take place in 20 minutes and he drove 80mph on the Watterson to make it, but not before I was called back to have blood work done. I haven't really written much about it here, but I have a blood phobia. Seeing, talking, reading about blood (actual or fictional) causes severe anxiety and, at times, results in my passing out. Last year I went to a therapist to discuss the issue. We made A LOT of headway and I hadn't had an "episode" in over a year. During that time I had blood work done for an annual physical, colonoscopy, to confirm my chemical pregnancy, etc. All of those times I handled it all really well which was a HUGE accomplishment. This time, however, things did not go so well.

Very long story short, the nurse took my blood samples and I passed out cold. The nurse had to use 2 ammonia sticks to bring me out of it. It was an embarrassing ordeal. Here I am...pregnant, going to be someone's MOM and am passing out at the doctor's office. It's just so defeating though everyone was SUPER nice about the ordeal. At this point the nurse went to see if Mr. Blackman was in the waiting room. I heard her tell him that I got got sick and he said...."that happens". God love him.

When then went to the ultrasound room. Mr. Blackman was so nervous and confided later that he thought he might pass out, which explained why he leaned over and laid his head on the exam table. At the time I just thought he was being sweet. Thank goodness he kept it mostly together. We saw the heartbeat for 1 baby immediately which was a huge relief all around. Relief that there was only 1 baby and relief that that baby was alive. Then I was told that even though the date of my last period put me at 9 weeks pregnant, the baby was measuring 7W5D. An adjustment in the due date is totally normal and even though I expected the adjustment, it was a little disappointing. Each day that you remain pregnant feels sooooo significant and to have some days taken away, normal or not, is kind of sad. But then we actually HEARD the little heartbeat and that made everything better.

We were given a little envelope that said "Baby's 1st Photos" and it contained two sonograms. Though it felt surreal, it was wonderful to finally feel confident that we could at least tell our families at Christmas. Real Truth

#procreation station

Thoughts from December 20th

9W2D (but actually 8W...more on that in a bit)

I had my first prenatal visit on Dec 18th. I needed a couple days to really process what all went down. It was intense, but wonderful.

You see, I made this appointment on the 5 week mark of my pregnancy. To help the 4 painfully slow weeks pass I imagined, researched, and assumed all kinds of things that would happen at this appointment. I would get a pap, pee in a cup, have a little blood work done, and have an ultrasound. Mr. Blackman had been notified that if he would like to see our fetus(es) and (hopefully) hear a heartbeat he needed to be there. He put it on his calendar and we spent the rest of the time trying not to get too worked up about all the possible scenarios that could result from whatever the ultrasound showed us.

Fast forward to the week of the appointment. I couldn't take it anymore. I finally just called the office and asked what to expect during my appointment. I was told pap, urine sample, blood work....then....crickets. I asked about an ultrasound and was told that I would not be having one. I CAN NOT adequately explain the devastation I felt. Being newly pregnant is weird. You feel funny, physically and emotionally, but don't really look any different. It is quite easy to question if anything is really going on or if you have finally fallen off your rocker. PLUS we wanted to tell our families at Christmas. Without an ultrasound it just kind of felt like we would be announcing a phantom baby. ANYWAY, I told Mr. Blackman that there was no need for him to come to my appt. Sweet Jesus, there was certainly no need for him to watch me get a pap. And then I promptly googled "ultrasound without appointment Louisville" and discovered a few Ultrasound Boutiques (who even knew?!?!) that cost $60 out of pocket for a 2D ultrasound. In the matter of minutes I had a back-up plan and all was not lost!

The morning of the appointment, I was a nervous wreck. Mr. Blackman had been put on call...just in case. I tested his response time by asking a couple dumb questions via text. His response time was record making material. Which was awesome, because after my pap my awesome Doc (who is the cutest thing ever and has 4 children of her own) was like, "What we're going to do now is order an ultrasound. I am going to write that you don't know the date of your last period, insurance will pay, and you'll know what the heck is going on inside your body. You deserve to know." I was so relieved. Then I remembered Mr. Blackman wasn't in the waiting room.

To be continued...Real Truth.

#procreation station

Thoughts from December 11th

So far during this pregnancy I have irrationally cried at the dentist and because Mr. Blackman played a Radio Head playlist on spotify.

1. The Dentist Debacle-So the hygienist (who was one that I'd never had before) at my 6-month cleaning asked if there was any reason to prevent me from having my scheduled xrays. I told her that I was possibly pregnant....that I hadn't had my first appointment yet but that all signs pointed to my being pregnant. She was like, so are you or aren't you and I repeated what I had just told her. She then said that she would just write "Maybe Pregnant" on the chart and not take xrays to be sure. For whatever reason the label "Maybe Pregnant" rubbed me the wrong way but we moved on. As she was settling in to scrape the gunk off my teeth, she then proceeded to wax on and on about how she simply couldn't believe that pregnant women had to wait so long for their first appointment. (She never had children.) With a mouth full of instruments, I said "uh huh". Then she went on to say that it was probably because they wanted to make sure you didn't loose the baby. I replied with another "uh huh". Then, I guess, she realized how she sounded and said that she was sure that wouldn't happen to me. To which I uttered another "un huh". It was awkward. THEN she decided to lecture me about my gums as if I was some toothless meth head. Now, I take care of my teeth. I try to floss at least once a week and even bought a Sonicare Toothbrush during Black Friday last year. Seriously. It was my only purchase. Anyway, here's the thing about early pregnancy. It affects your gums. According to multiple websites, obviously and HA!...here I go with the websites again, it makes them puffy and sensitive. Something about the 3 extra pounds of blood your body is trying to produce. At one point during the cleaning this hygienist had a hand held mirror up in my face showing me how to brush in circles. I have been brushing in circles for years and her tutorial was too much and instead of being like "lady, you need to educate yourself on the gums of pregnant women", I cried. It was pretty embarrassing.

2. Radio Head- Mr. Blackman was blaring some Radio Head while putting up the Christmas Tree. I was in a completely different room. The Radio Head went on too long and I LOST it. I mean, I hollered and stomped that I COULD NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE and proceeded to sit on the floor cry. Mr. Blackman looked at me dumbfounded and told me that I could have just asked him to turn it off instead of letting it come to all this. I tried to make him understand that I thought I could handle it until the moment I realized I couldn't. It was also pretty embarrassing.

Real Truth.

#procreation station

Thoughts from December 3rd

6W6D

I am pregnant. I found out 1 week and 6 days ago. I held it pretty well together until now. I think it was because I had a mental goal. I just wanted to make it to the 6 week mark because two months ago I had a chemical pregnancy between the 5th and 6th week. That is a different matter that is very eloquently described in this wonderful blog post.

So, anyway, now I've met my goal and, clearly, still have no idea what is going on inside my body. It is the most terrifying feeling and much to my dismay, my OBgyn won't see me until my 9th week! As it turns out, that is standard protocol. Now don't you worry, I haven't called since initially making my appointment after peeing on a stick at the 5 week mark. (Can we talk about the fact that a $3 piece of plastic is the main indicator that your life has changed forever and that's all the proof you really have to go on until your appointment!) I'm nothing if not a rule follower, but these rules suck. With each tinge in my belly, bowel movement, night sweat, and loogie (oh, yes I said loogie) I wonder if everything is OK. I mean, creating a person is kind of a big deal and the only instruction I've had thus far is to "be sure to take prenatals" with no suggestion on which one of the million brands/types is best. Of course I googled it. This opened pandora's pregnancy box. Dear LORD, do not google anything when pregnant. I know this, but do it every single night anyway. It makes Mr. Blackman so mad.

Random Pregnancy Thoughts:

*Deep breaths are the best feeling in the world. The air actually feels like it's going somewhere...doing something.

*Drainage is a serious matter.

*Supposedly pregnancy makes you constipated. At this point, it is having the opposite effect on me. I don't know why I find this surprising...I am more prone to blow out than throw up when I have an upset stomach. For goodness sake, friends call me when they have an unexpected, yet immediate bowel movement (we're talking, like a pull over the car NOW situation) to tell me they had a "Nord Poop Attack". Seriously. I don't know why I am surprised or worried. Oh wait...yes I do...google.

*I am like a fiery furnace at night. If this is any indication of what menopause will be like, I just simply don't know.

And to all of this I say, REAL TRUTH.

#procreation station

20w4D

I've been pretty quiet on this here tumblr lately. I didn't mean for it to happen, it's just that some pretty big stuff has been going on and I was forced to keep it a secret for a while. Then once I was able to spill the beans, I didn't want to write about it. I wanted to TALK about it. To everyone. Lots of talking.

The long story short is that I'm pregnant. This pregnancy was a conscious decision that though terrifying is quite exciting! It has taken pretty much a full 20W and 4D for this pregnancy to finally sink in. On or around August 1st Mr. Blackman and I are going to be parents to a little girl. Up until this point it has seemed very surreal, but I'm finally starting to show and we've heard the heartbeat enough times to believe that this is actually happening.

Right around the time I found out, I wrote a few posts that have been sitting in my drafts folder. When you are very newly pregnant you aren't really supposed to tell anybody AND you have to wait weeks for your first doctor's appointment. Basically, I had a lot of feelings. CRAZY feelings. I mean, I still have a lot of feelings, but now I get to openly talk about them so they don't seem nearly as intense and confusing. Even though reading through those drafts is nearly cringe worthy...talk about highlight your crazy...I have decided to publish them anyway. They represent very real feelings from a very lonely time and somebody out there might be feeling similarly. I would like that someone to know that they are, in fact, not crazy and it gets so much easier when you don't have to keep a massive, life changing, exciting secret from everyone you love. Real Truth.

#procreation station