#profblogson

[profblahson]

I dunno if I ever posted about the little updates! @nynehells and I added some grey hairs to his face and my tattoo! Now this dog has even more me in him

[profblahson]

I needed to do

Something

So i drove to the coast and threw rocks at the ocean today

[profblahson]

God I’m really feeling like a fucking mess right now

[profblahson]

Vent incoming so shield your eyes or something I need to complain about relationships and I’m feeling really fucking sad right now. I might delete later. I’m already an open book but this is gonna be messy.

So I went on two dates with a guy bout a week and some change ago. I had a really good time! I genuinely hadn’t felt that excited to talk to someone and be with someone in person in a really fucking long time. I thought they went well, too! And our last interaction I said I wanted to see him again and he said he wanted to, too! Great!

So then what happened three days later when we were talking and he decided he wasn’t actually interested in moving forward dating any more?

“I have nothing bad to say about you, and you have a lot of great exploration. I’m looking for someone long term who’s done their exploration and knows what they want.”

I said I respect his decision and he cut all comms. Cool. Like, I get it that’s fine.

But it made me real fucking sad for the next day and I’m still thinking about that because like

A) This is basically how my partner of 9 years and so far only relationship I have ever been in broke up with me. “You’re great, but I don’t think I love you as a partner anymore. You need someone who will love you for you, and I’m not that person.”

B) It’s also how the Only Other Guy I’ve had a Crush on Who I admitted it to let me down, too. “You’re great, but I don’t think you’re for me.”

So like. How do I improve as a romantic partner??? What can I do so someone actually wants to be with me and I want to be with them??? How can I explore what I like and who I want to be with if everyone turns me down before I even get to that point??

And then I think about my friends. And my supposed “demisexuality” and I’m wondering why I don’t wanna be with them. Am I actually demi?? Is there just something I’m missing?? What the fuck do I want?? Is this the feeling that others have had about me? I guess? That makes me feel worse!!!

And this whole last week I’ve been craving physical touch. I’ve never noticed how badly I missed it until this last week. I can literally feel myself aching for it.

I love my friends I hang out with online, and I love my friends I see in person. But online is just not nearly the same, and coordinating meeting people in person is like herding cats from two rooms over sometimes.

I’m starting to feel so desperate that I’m almost wishing I could become emotionally numb and just whore myself out for a time to feel something.

My gender and sexual exploration has felt so hindered and suppressed by my childhood. I spent so much of my adolescence locked by myself in my bedroom so I wouldn’t have to interact with my two immediate older brothers, who would berate, bully, and demean me for simply existing. And I genuinely cannot remember a single time a parent knocked on my door, sat down, and asked what was going on. Or a time where they didn’t get mad at me for trying to protect myself.

So now I’m thirty-fucking-two years old, have now only minimally dated outside of a near decade long relationship, can’t find the courage to continue searching for more right now, and am so frustrated with my lack of knowledge and experience that I’m about ready to give up on finding love again.

And the worst part is, I know I never will give up. It will always find a way for me to think about it. To question myself, to worry, to fret, wonder, want, desire, crave it.

I just wish there was a guide for this shit. I feel like I need help. Everything online is so metaphorical, it means almost nothing to me. I need someone in person, who understands what I’m going through, and wants to see me discover, and can help lead me. Talk with me about my feelings. Help me understand what I’m going through.

I also need a vacation or six, but that’s a different conversation.

I’m just so tired of not knowing what I don’t know when it comes to sex and relationships. But I can never seem to dip enough of my foot in the water to really start soaking it in.

I have no go way to end this.

[profblahson]

Someone remind me to fix my life tonight after work, okay?

[profblahson]

Vent might delete later

Why is it every night i feel like i can’t grow and be a full person

I start to spiral about my inability to progress and get out of where I’m living

I feel like I’ll never be able to find romantic love again

I hate my job more and more every day

I hate myself more and more every day

I hate my body more and more every day

I want this to end

[profblahson]

How the fuck do people figure out who they are like

Who the fuck am i

[profblahson]

That was weird. I just

Couldn’t reblog anything for a moment on mobile

Functioning as intended