Life Changing Moments
First and foremost the program of Narcorits Anonymous has and will continue to save my life and the lives of millions until the end of time. I owe everything to this program, but at the same time I do not owe anything to it because it was a gift given to me freely.
Here we go. I love going to NA events that last longer than a day. For me these events are life changing every time. This is when I get to see everyone on their deepest level and learn things I had no idea I didn’t know because I am an addict and I know everything right? Wrong, I will learn something new at every meeting I go to and every event I attend. I just have to leave my heart and mind open to everything no matter what. Over the 3 days at Lake Fest I was completely open to anything that wanted to enter my mind. During the course of an event like this we get to see everyone in tip top recovery shape, for the most part, on the first day. This is when we meet new faces, meet their sponsors, their sponsor’s sponsor, their children and close friends. Human interaction is a beautiful thing to say the least. How we talk, our body language and how we act in public. I am a people watcher if you can not tell by now. By day 2 people are usually hanging out with a certain crowd, drinking copious amounts of insanely coffee because it is what we do, and we are settled in by this time. The second night is when the magic happens. People are comfortable with the fact that we are all family and if I do not know you I have known you for a long time. By day 3 people are tore back, falling asleep in camp chairs at 11am (i.e. me) and dreading packing up to go home. This process is life in it’s most beautiful and purest form. A bunch of people in recovery with all of their children, beautiful smiles beaming on their faces. Personally seeing half the attendance being children of the members of NA is what keeps me clean. This program works if you want it to work and make a decision to actually apply the principles that NA teachs us. Foot work and not just talking a big talk is what changes our lives. I could be the person to sit in a meeting and talk huge, making everyone think I know everything about this disease, but reality sets in when I leave becuase I am an addict and I am far from perfect. I do not want to be that person, I do not have to sugar coat my recovery to get my experience, strength and hope out there, I am HUMAN.
I had a chance to sit down with the sweetest lady that has 33 years in the program without a single relapse as a part of her story, anonymity is our spiritual foundation so we will call her Miss Maners. That in itself shows that this program works if you want it to work. After everyone went to sleep we sat and talked recovery for a couple hours. The coolest thing happened during this, people began to crawl out of their tents to come join in the conversation. This is the power of opening you hearts to any suggestion in this program, what you choose to do with it is just that, your own choice. During the process of recovery some things stay present in the front of your mind and some things move to the back and we sometimes forget the most simple aspects of what make this program beautiful. That night I was reminded that I do not have to be perfect on this path. I have the power to influence every aspect of my recovery, I can not control the outcome, but as long as I do the next right thing when no one is looking, the outcome will be, most of the time, amazing. I was shown a side of recovery we take for granted and do not talk about enough, we are human no matter what and we are addicts in every aspect of life. It does not matter where we go. In NA I am an addict, in AA I am an alcolic, in SA I am a sex addict, in Overeaters Anonymous I am a food addict and even at the mall I am addicted to shopping. It all means the same underlining thing to us. We have issues and behaviors that need to be changed. Only through hard work and application we can arrest the the symptoms and live a happy life while we stop our disease dead in it’s tracks.
The next day I had the chance to get completely lost in a 5 or 6 hour conversation with someone, we will call her DJ Double P. During this time I saw myself in her story. Every word, laugh and tear that was shared during this time was life changing to the core. I got to see someone that wants this program so badly she would sacrifice anything to get it. Hearing some of the things shared made me take a close look at my recovery process, closer than I have looked in a few months. I thought to myself, “I remember when I had this passion for the program, what happened?” Then it dawned on me that I still have that passion and it has only grown. By this time that night I was running on zero hours of sleep for 2 days so my emotions were flowing out like no other, taking in every aspect of ones story and processing it thoroughly. I could say that we had a lot in common, which we surely did, but I think i will go with the fact that we are all addicts and you are no different than I and I am no different than him or her. My past is never the worst in a meeting or in a one on one conversation because you had to live yours. I can not imagine going through what you have gone through and vise versa you can not imagine what I have been through. As long as this one stays in the lane she is going in she will progress to amazing heights in life and recovery. So many people are ashamed of their past but she had no shame and was not affraid to talk about it with anyone. I heard things you would not tell in a confessional booth. That is what this program is about to me, owning you shit and being able to look back at it and laugh and smile because it was not who you truly are. What we become in the long process of recovery is spiritual and true to ourselves. Thank you DJ Double P for opening my eyes to a lot and being you because you are an amazing person to have as a friend in this program. We are exactly the same and you made more of an impact on my life and recovery than you honestly know. Remember that you are perfect in all of your imperfections and everyone in this program loves you beyond belief. Loving yourself in the deepest way imaginable will come in time. Keep doing what you are doing and stay connected no matter what. This time it will stick if you want it to.
Earlier that day I had a chance to hear a little bit of someone elses story. We will call this person Miss You’re Sexy. You do not know what your story did to me either. Knowing that you went through what you did and who you took with you made me reflect on why I do what I do. I work my ass off in this program to wake up tomorrow…period. That is what matters most to me. If I do not wake up tomorrow my son will not have a daddy to watch him grow and be there for him when he need me the most. My child is the most important thing in my life next to my recovery. I say that because my recovery always has to come first. The second I put my behavior, my son, my family, a significant other, etc. etc., I slide back to step one. When I think that I am doing this for someone or something else is when I am living in denial and thinking that I power over my disease. The program I walk is for me, your program is for you, no one else. Everyone’s program is different, your program will get me sick and mine will get you sick. We all find our own way through taking suggestions and choosing which ones work for us no matter what. I had always been the one who hears the suggestions and does what I want because I do not like being told what to do. I can hear whatever is said to me but until I actually saw the suggestion work in someone’s life, it will not mean shit to me. I have been lucky enough that I did not get loaded over some of my stupid choices and I learned from them greatly. Today my program is different, I will take suggestion for what it is, something that has clearly worked for millions in this program, and I will follow it to the best of my ability, remembering that we all make mistakes and getting loaded does not have to be one of the mistakes. Thank you Miss YS, your story made me see where my life would go if I decided to slip on my shit now and where I can go in this process because you are a kick ass woman that has her shit together to the best of her ability.
All in all this last weekend was by far a life changing experience in every aspect. Being able to see parents with their children makes me have hope today. Seeing almost everyone with a huge smile shows us that we can have fun and not be loaded to get there. Every event I go to renews my outlook on this program, The fellowship experienced in a multi day event is more than I could ever ask for. Thank you to everyone that gave me a reason to work just a little bit harder every day to acheive great things in life, to acheive happiness and love for myself and others. The rooms of NA are my home and always will be. I do not care what city I am in or what state, You are my brothers and sisters, my mothers and fathers in the life I choose to live today. Today I am a human being and not a human doing which says enough in itself.
Today I am brave enough to take a leap of faith towards something I know is far better than where I was and I will jump with every ounce of energy and strength I have never giving up no matter what happens in my life. If we keep coming back we never have to use again. What we do with the rest of what we learn is our own choice. I know what I will do with it. Thank you all who impacted my life over the weekend. I love you guys, I love who I am and where I am at today