Time To Accept Life On Its Own Terms

[joesutherland86]

The 3 Little Addicts

I haven't taken the time to do any writing in almost a year. I think it's about time. I woke up today with with a lot on my mind. I have had the opportunity in the last month to see the depth of active addiction, culminating in a 2 day period where I got to see something that hits me deep. I will talk about progression in the early stages, middle stages, and late stages of this disease, through the eyes of several different addicts at different points of their disease. I'm going to tell you a story about 3 addicts, progression and powerlessness. I will let you decide whether any of this is true or not and you can form your own opinions. Addict 1 is pregnant and about 8 months along or so. She is in the stage of complete denial. Addict 2 is 5 months pregnant and in complete desperation mode, completely lost and crying out for someone to help, but unwilling to put knowledge into action. Now for addict 3. Addict 3 is living her life on her terms, living in a world all about her. 5 and a half years prior she was trying to better her life by getting put on methadone when she was 5 months pregnant. After her child was born, things went south between her and the father, living as addicts. After 4 years of her and the father being separated, she has chosen a lifestyle over her child. All 3 addicts are at totally different points of progression of their disease yet not so different from each other. I had the chance to have a pretty in depth conversation with addict 1 the other day. Up until that point I was under the impression that she had gotten clean a month or so before. After finding out she is still struggling I began to talk to her about her options and what may happen after her child is born. This topic hits me especially hard because of my history with addict 3. Not even 2 sentences into saying what will happen if she can't get clean before the child comes, she says "I don't even want to talk about that because I will be clean when the baby comes." The truth of the disease is that I have heard from the beginning that she was quitting in a "few" days. I know first hand how hard it is but addict 1 is lost in major denial and under the illusion that she has control over her disease. To me, that is a scary place to be. Moving on to addict 2. Addict 2 has been a very close friend for a few years. A while back though we lost contact with each other. I had an idea of what she was putting herself through but I thought at 5 months along that this person would have gotten some help. She has a background of knowing where to go if she needs to reach out. Anyways I finally got ahold of addict 2 last night after trying to reach out to addict 2 after addict 3 called me a month ago asking if I had seen addict 2 because she had basically stolen addict 3's car. All I could say was "that's what you get for leaving your keys with a person that has a history of car theft." That's not my problem. So addict 2 called me last night, super emotional and clearly lost. After talking for a few minutes I had agreed to let her drive to my house and sleep on my couch as long as she left the same time I did in the morning. After an hour and a half I get a message that reads "I am like 1 mile from your house and had to ditch the van." Right then all the red flags hit sky high. I basically told her that it was bull shit that she would even remotely try and put me in a position like that. I refused to come pick her up because apparently there was a sheriff that was driving around looking for her. I told her if she could walk the mile to my house then she could still sleep the night off. That was the last time I talked to her. I'm rather afraid of what took place but again it's not my problem. I felt bad but I have to protect myself in the end. Addict 2 is crying out for help from the bottom of her heart but she clearly hasn't made the decision to actually put action into place. I can only do so much when you know just as much as anyone else that had over a year clean at one point and spent time in the rooms and graduated MET work. Every time I see one of my friends or anyone at that, pregnant and using, it takes me back to what I went through with addict 3. Addict 3 and I met back in 2008 a few months after I had finished chemo and radiation. Little did I know at that time that I was an addict and deep down she was also. So began my relationship with with addict 3. A few months into our relationship we started using together. I'm not going to go into too much depth about being in a relationship where both parties are using drugs heavily because if you're reading this you probably have already been through a similar situation. After 4 years of an extremely toxic relationship and a year of toxic marriage we decided to go or separate ways because we knew we wouldn't get healthy together. Our son stayed with me and she took off. I chose a life of being a con artist per say and she chose a life of prostitution and God only knows what else. To this day she has only seen her son 4 or 5 times since the separation. Partly because I have a hard time with her coming back around for a day or 2 then falling off the face of the planet again. For a 5 year old child that doesn't know his mother, that has to cause damage in my opinion. Over the last month or two I have been making an honest effort to get her to come back around and every time I get ahold of her she will message for 5 min then disappear for a week. Like I mentioned earlier I can only do so much if the other party doesn't want it. So to me it feels like she is choosing lifestyle over her child. So at this time we have met addict 1, 2 and 3. Addict 1 is clearly in denial and doesn't want to admit lack of control. I can't blame her though because she has zero experience with different avenues of recovery. I can only pray she opens her eyes someday soon. I pray for you every night addict 1. Addict 2 is scared because she knows she is the one causing all of her pain. She is reaching out but I know from personal experience that reaching out won't do shit unless you are willing to surrender and put action into play. She has spent enough time in the rooms and graduated drug court to at least know 1 place to go that she is safe. A stolen vehicle isn't that place.  Addict 3 I used to resent horribly. That resentment stayed until I had a chance to read the basic text. That was the point when I realised that not one addict is different than the other. I now show her nothing but love because in active addiction I am no better than anyone else in active addiction. I've put in my 50 percent and haven't received anything back though so it's time for addict 3 to sit back and look at where she is and what she needs in her life to stay clean in the long run. I try my hardest to not pass any judgement on anyone. In the beginning I mentioned 3 stages of active addiction. We have one woman so lost with no guidance on how to change the pattern and refuses to hear any of it. We have an addict that has been through all this before and slipped up and let things get carried away pretty fast in a very violent relapse. Then we have the addict that's been offered every opportunity in the world and still is, yet she is so oblivious to the fact that what she does effects everyone around her. I love all 3 of these addicts the same but I have learned that I am a saver. My lesson in all this was to learn to let go, if someone isn't ready they aren't ready. We all choose our own bottom, I just pray that they pick that bottom before it's the bottom of a 6ft. hole. As I said before, this all hits really close to home because of my history with addict 3 and the fact that my son was a product of the methadone program. So to see 2 pregnant women asking for help but not willing to go get into a program like that for the child, not her, it hurts deep. In closing I say this from my own personal journey I've been on. Not one person's recovery is the same as the next. One path that works for many might not work for everyone. If 12 step doesn't work then research other types of recovery. Just don't give up.  Everyone deserves to live...and thrive in life. We don't shoot our wounded so when we're ready to come back and give it our all, I know hundreds of people that will welcome us back with open arms...and maybe a few cups of coffee. Lastly, I quote a movie I love, "be a do-er, not a don't-er," stop talking and start walking. As always, thank yoy for reading my blog.

[joesutherland86]

WANTS VS NEEDS

As addicts we come into this process full of wants, desperation and desires. Our walk takes many turns be it in a good direction or bad. As we follow wants we need ask ourselves, are we truly happy. I have had so many friends in the program follow the path of wants mistaking them for needs. When we make the decision to accept our feelings for what they are we stumble when trying to grasp what is truly going on in our minds. I hear people say I feel like I need this to be happy or to be able to grow. This statement is wrong in every way. All we need is ourselves, a decision to truly change and make an unfettered effort at reaching out, and some hope definitely helps. When we get to a point of feeling like we need something, be it a person, place, or thing, we need to take a step back and take a deeper look at what a need truly is. To me a want is something that we feel will help us. This help is usually temporary though. A need is something we may not like but brings beauty to our lives in the long run. We need remember that even though it doesn’t feel good now it may feel amazing after a while. From what I have experienced on my own path there is a fine line between wants and needs. We walk this like a tight rope walker, teetering from side to side, we may find balance but we are constantly at risk of falling to our demise. We start at the beginning of the tight rope completely off balance, wobbling from side to side with major shifts from one to the other. As we go farther out over the gap, which we will call our addiction, we begin to gain balance. Still though we struggle with one side or the other. The rope signifies our path of recovery and spirituality. As we near the end we begin to feel more comfortable with how this all feels. We begin to see the platform at the and which we shall call our needs. When we reach the end and plant our feet on a solid foundation we can walk strong knowing that as long as we stay on this foundation we may accept our needs for what they are and what they can do for us down the road. We can now look back and remember having hope is a must. H.O.P.E. or as I like to say, hold on pain ends. When we choose to differentiate between wants and needs and follow a path of spirituality which is comprised of needs, we start to see change inside of ourselves, no longer saying we are going to do this or that and finally doing it. I can't quote this perfectly but I think Gahndi said a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Take that first step, take another, that's two. Then another and another and eventually you begin to see the full journey in process. I love you all and thank you for my recovery.

[joesutherland86]

FEELINGS

     The path of growth and change is long and sometimes complicated. One of the hardest things we have to face as recovering addicts are feelings and how to get through them. I’ll start by telling you a story of friend whom I love very much and have become extremely close to in this process. Over the course of about a month now I have watched this person making decisions based on WANTS. Up and down I have seen his mood during this time and not knowing what his next move will be. We talk a lot so I get to see the depth of everything going on. All of the decisions based on wants haven’t taken a bad turn…yet. So last night I was talking to him and he told me that everything became so clear to him finally, a month of WANTS all came to a head in a ten minute conversation that stemmed from a NEED as a recovering addict doing the next right thing to guard his recovery. At the end of the night he was left with a feeling, a very specific feeling that I am going to talk about now.

     When we think about feelings it tends to scare us a lot. We used for so long and numbed every feeling that came into our bodies. He told me that he felt numb, but it wasn’t numbness at all because he knew there was feeling in the emptiness. This comment confused me a lot so we talked and processed what had happened and what was going on in his head. As I sat and thought about what this meant, a beautiful analogy came to mind.

     We can relate feelings to the spectrum of color. We can think of black as a shade or numbness and emptiness which we experience all too much in our disease and path to spirituality.

     We decide to add one color at a time to our lives. Happiness, anger, lust, fear, trust, so forth and so on. We add green, red, blue, orange, yellow, etc etc, finding out what feels good and what doesn’t. We add some colors on this journey and take some away. Slowly over time we feel like we can keep more and more of the ones that we didn’t like as we grow inside ourselves. Over time we get comfortable with having more and more colors in our hearts. Eventually over time we have accumulated every color of the spectrum inside ourselves and accept them for what they are. Basic knowledge of colors tell us that when we put every color of the spectrum together what do we get? White.

     After sitting on this for a while we came to the conclusion that feelings are black and white in the long run. We started as black, numb to everything and slowly over a period of time we add every feeling we can get our hearts wrapped around and eventually end at white. Black and white are shades and in this analogy I am relating shades to numbness and colors to feelings. When we think about numbness there is a huge difference between black and white even though they feel very close to one another. When my friend got to the point of white, understanding this new shade, we realized he was finally okay with the way that every built up feeling felt. No matter what happens in his heart he has found acceptance of every feeling he can expose himself to. Acceptance of not being in control and possibly not having the outcome he WANTS but the one he NEEDS to grow on his path of recovery.

     Today we have the choice to accept life on its own terms and move through it like a grown adult. Today I love you, my best friend, the most important person in my recovery, myself. Every one of my friends in recovery loved me when I couldn’t and today I am comfortable in my skin and able to love myself. This is what the program does for us. Acceptance of life and how to love every bit of it, the good, bad and ugly. My sponsor likes to tell me “hey, congratulations, you’re human.” I say today I am a human being and not a human doing. I hope my color babble made sense to some people, if not feel free to ask me to explain this in more depth. Thank you all.

[joesutherland86]

FEELINGS

     The path of growth and change is long and sometimes complicated. One of the hardest things we have to face as recovering addicts are feelings and how to get through them. I'll start by telling you a story of friend whom I love very much and have become extremely close to in this process. Over the course of about a month now I have watched this person making decisions based on WANTS. Up and down I have seen his mood during this time and not knowing what his next move will be. We talk a lot so I get to see the depth of everything going on. All of the decisions based on wants haven't taken a bad turn...yet. So last night I was talking to him and he told me that everything became so clear to him finally, a month of WANTS all came to a head in a ten minute conversation that stemmed from a NEED as a recovering addict doing the next right thing to guard his recovery. At the end of the night he was left with a feeling, a very specific feeling that I am going to talk about now.

     When we think about feelings it tends to scare us a lot. We used for so long and numbed every feeling that came into our bodies. He told me that he felt numb, but it wasn't numbness at all because he knew there was feeling in the emptiness. This comment confused me a lot so we talked and processed what had happened and what was going on in his head. As I sat and thought about what this meant, a beautiful analogy came to mind.

     We can relate feelings to the spectrum of color. We can think of black as a shade or numbness and emptiness which we experience all too much in our disease and path to spirituality.

     We decide to add one color at a time to our lives. Happiness, anger, lust, fear, trust, so forth and so on. We add green, red, blue, orange, yellow, etc etc, finding out what feels good and what doesn't. We add some colors on this journey and take some away. Slowly over time we feel like we can keep more and more of the ones that we didn't like as we grow inside ourselves. Over time we get comfortable with having more and more colors in our hearts. Eventually over time we have accumulated every color of the spectrum inside ourselves and accept them for what they are. Basic knowledge of colors tell us that when we put every color of the spectrum together what do we get? White.

     After sitting on this for a while we came to the conclusion that feelings are black and white in the long run. We started as black, numb to everything and slowly over a period of time we add every feeling we can get our hearts wrapped around and eventually end at white. Black and white are shades and in this analogy I am relating shades to numbness and colors to feelings. When we think about numbness there is a huge difference between black and white even though they feel very close to one another. When my friend got to the point of white, understanding this new shade, we realized he was finally okay with the way that every built up feeling felt. No matter what happens in his heart he has found acceptance of every feeling he can expose himself to. Acceptance of not being in control and possibly not having the outcome he WANTS but the one he NEEDS to grow on his path of recovery.

     Today we have the choice to accept life on its own terms and move through it like a grown adult. Today I love you, my best friend, the most important person in my recovery, myself. Every one of my friends in recovery loved me when I couldn't and today I am comfortable in my skin and able to love myself. This is what the program does for us. Acceptance of life and how to love every bit of it, the good, bad and ugly. My sponsor likes to tell me "hey, congratulations, you're human.” I say today I am a human being and not a human doing. I hope my color babble made sense to some people, if not feel free to ask me to explain this in more depth. Thank you all.

[joesutherland86]

Life Changing Moments

     First and foremost the program of Narcorits Anonymous has and will continue to save my life and the lives of millions until the end of time. I owe everything to this program, but at the same time I do not owe anything to it because it was a gift given to me freely.

     Here we go. I love going to NA events that last longer than a day. For me these events are life changing every time. This is when I get to see everyone on their deepest level and learn things I had no idea I didn’t know because I am an addict and I know everything right? Wrong, I will learn something new at every meeting I go to and every event I attend. I just have to leave my heart and mind open to everything no matter what. Over the 3 days at Lake Fest I was completely open to anything that wanted to enter my mind. During the course of an event like this we get to see everyone in tip top recovery shape, for the most part, on the first day. This is when we meet new faces, meet their sponsors, their sponsor’s sponsor, their children and close friends. Human interaction is a beautiful thing to say the least. How we talk, our body language and how we act in public. I am a people watcher if you can not tell by now. By day 2 people are usually hanging out with a certain crowd, drinking copious amounts of insanely coffee because it is what we do, and we are settled in by this time. The second night is when the magic happens. People are comfortable with the fact that we are all family and if I do not know you I have known you for a long time. By day 3 people are tore back, falling asleep in camp chairs at 11am (i.e. me) and dreading packing up to go home. This process is life in it’s most beautiful and purest form. A bunch of people in recovery with all of their children, beautiful smiles beaming on their faces. Personally seeing half the attendance being children of the members of NA is what keeps me clean. This program works if you want it to work and make a decision to actually apply the principles that NA teachs us. Foot work and not just talking a big talk is what changes our lives. I could be the  person to sit in a meeting and talk huge, making everyone think I know everything about this disease, but reality sets in when I leave becuase I am an addict and I am far from perfect. I do not want to be that person, I do not have to sugar coat my recovery to get my experience, strength and hope out there,  I am HUMAN.

     I had a chance to sit down with the sweetest lady that has 33 years in the program without a single relapse as a part of her story, anonymity is our spiritual foundation so we will call her Miss Maners. That in itself shows that this program works if you want it to work. After everyone went to sleep we sat and talked recovery for a couple hours. The coolest thing happened during this, people began to crawl out of their tents to come join in the conversation. This is the power of opening you hearts to any suggestion in this program, what you choose to do with it is just that, your own choice. During the process of recovery some things stay present in the front of your mind and some things move to the back and we sometimes forget the most simple aspects of what make this program beautiful. That night I was reminded that I do not have to be perfect on this path. I have the power to influence every aspect of my recovery, I can not control the outcome, but as long as I do the next right thing when no one is looking, the outcome will be, most of the time, amazing. I was shown a side of recovery we take for granted and do not talk about enough, we are human no matter what and we are addicts in every aspect of life. It does not matter where we go. In NA I am an addict, in AA I am an alcolic, in SA I am a sex addict, in Overeaters Anonymous I am a food addict and even at the mall I am addicted to shopping. It all means the same underlining thing to us. We have issues and behaviors that need to be changed. Only through hard work and application we can arrest the the symptoms and live a happy life while we stop our disease dead in it’s tracks.

     The next day I had the chance to get completely lost in a 5 or 6 hour conversation with someone, we will call her DJ Double P. During this time I saw myself in her story. Every word, laugh and tear that was shared during this time was life changing to the core. I got to see someone that wants this program so badly she would sacrifice anything to get it. Hearing some of the things shared made me take a close look at my recovery process, closer than I have looked in a few months. I thought to myself, “I remember when I had this passion for the program, what happened?” Then it dawned on me that I still have that passion and it has only grown. By this time that night I was running on zero hours of sleep for 2 days so my emotions were flowing out like no other, taking in every aspect of ones story and processing it thoroughly. I could say that we had a lot in common, which we surely did, but I think i will go with the fact that we are all addicts and you are no different than I and I am no different than him or her. My past is never the worst in a meeting or in a one on one conversation because you had to live yours. I can not imagine going through what you have gone through and vise versa you can not imagine what I have been through. As long as this one stays in the lane she is going in she will progress to amazing heights in life and recovery. So many people are ashamed of their past but she had no shame and was not affraid to talk about it with anyone. I heard things you would not tell in a confessional booth. That is what this program is about to me, owning you shit and being able to look back at it and laugh and smile because it was not who you truly are. What we become in the long process of recovery is spiritual and true to ourselves. Thank you DJ Double P for opening my eyes to a lot and being you because you are an amazing person to have as a friend in this program. We are exactly the same and you made more of an impact on my life and recovery than you honestly know. Remember that you are perfect in all of your imperfections and everyone in this program loves you beyond belief. Loving yourself in the deepest way imaginable will come in time. Keep doing what you are doing and stay connected no matter what. This time it will stick if you want it to.

     Earlier that day I had a chance to hear a little bit of someone elses story. We will call this person Miss You’re Sexy. You do not know what your story did to me either. Knowing that you went through what you did and who you took with you made me reflect on why I do what I do. I work my ass off in this program to wake up tomorrow…period. That is what matters most to me. If I do not wake up tomorrow my son will not have a daddy to watch him grow and be there for him when he need me the most. My child is the most important thing in my life next to my recovery. I say that because my recovery always has to come first. The second I put my behavior, my son, my family, a significant other, etc. etc., I slide back to step one. When I think that I am doing this for someone or something else is when I am living in denial and thinking that I power over my disease. The program I walk is for me, your program is for you, no one else. Everyone’s program is different, your program will get me sick and mine will get you sick. We all find our own way through taking suggestions and choosing which ones work for us no matter what. I had always been the one who hears the suggestions and does what I want because I do not like being told what to do. I can hear whatever is said to me but until I actually saw the suggestion work in someone’s life, it will not mean shit to me. I have been lucky enough that I did not get loaded over some of my stupid choices and I learned from them greatly. Today my program is different, I will take suggestion for what it is, something that has clearly worked for millions in this program, and I will follow it to the best of my ability, remembering that we all make mistakes and getting loaded does not have to be one of the mistakes. Thank you Miss YS, your story made me see where my life would go if I decided to slip on my shit now and where I can go in this process because you are a kick ass woman that has her shit together to the best of her ability.

     All in all this last weekend was by far a life changing experience in every aspect. Being able to see parents with their children makes me have hope today. Seeing almost everyone with a huge smile shows us that we can have fun and not be loaded to get there. Every event I go to renews my outlook on this program, The fellowship experienced in a multi day event is more than I could ever ask for. Thank you to everyone that gave me a reason to work just a little bit harder every day to acheive great things in life, to acheive happiness and love for myself and others. The rooms of NA are my home and always will be. I do not care what city I am in or what state, You are my brothers and sisters, my mothers and fathers in the life I choose to live today. Today I am a human being and not a human doing which says enough in itself. 

     Today I am brave enough to take a leap of faith towards something I know is far better than where I was and I will jump with every ounce of energy and strength I have never giving up no matter what happens in my life. If we keep coming back we never have to use again. What we do with the rest of what we learn is our own choice. I know what I will do with it. Thank you all who impacted my life over the weekend. I love you guys, I love who I am and where I am at today

[joesutherland86]

Loving Yourself

     This story begins on an island in the carribean. I would like to introduce you to Michael Sellers. When Michael awoke he found himself floating in the light blue shallow water with the hot midday sun beating down on his face. Looking around, Michael realized that he had no clue where he was or why he was there. Quickly he stood up in a panic. Feeling his heart begin to race, Michael ran to shore. As Michael looked around he noticed there is no one else in sight, not a sound of boats, airplanes or animals, just silence. Feeling helpless he found a nice cool spot in the shade of rock outcropping and sat down. Michael started to try and flash through his last memories in his mind but he found none. Only emptiness filled the void inside of his mind. As his breathing finally began to slow to a normal pace something filled the silence for a few heartbeats. Michael heard a slight beeping noise off in the distance, then nothing again. Feeling confused Michael stood up and walked in the direction of the noise, down the endless beach. After an hour or so Michael realized he had only walked about 100ft. and could not remember the last hour. This just didn’t feel right so he sat back down. Michael began to think a lot more about what was going on and discovered his body felt heavy, almost like the weight of an elephant on him, but he was still able to function. As he ran through his racing thoughts he remembered something. The last place he rembered he was at was his daughters high school graduation back in Chicago. Michael then heard a noise behind him in the bushes that made him jump. As he scrambled up and turned around in fear, Michael saw a girl standing there with a very lost look on her face. Michael said, “I thought I was the only one here, I just woke up in the water and I have no idea what is going on. My name is Michael, what’s yours?” The girl replied “My name is Sasha Anderson. I have been here for three days now and I haven’t seen anyone else here until now.” “Okay well now there is two of us here,” said Michael, “at least we are not alone anymore” Sasha sat next to Michael, both of them were thinking how surreal this place is.

     After a few minutes of awkward silence the two began to talk. Michael asked, “Do you have a story? Do you know how you got here?” “No, I only have  a lot of random feelings in my head right now,” said Sasha. Michael cound not help but to feel the exact same way. Sasha began to ramble on about the last three days on the island, “When I woke up here there was a lot of strange things happening here. Every few minutes I would hear a beeping noise but I could never figure out where it came from. I have been walking around for the last few days trying to find it but the closer I thought I was, the more distant it sounded. Then all of a sudden it stopped and I felt a sense of calm wash over my body, probably because that annoying noise had gone. Then about an hour after that I found you here on the beach.” Michael realized that he too had been hearing the beeping coming and going for the last few hours but had not put much thought into the noise. All of a sudden both Michael and Sasha stopped their conversation and looked at each other. Sasha asked, “Did you just feel that too?” Michael nodded his head as more memories flashed through his mind of his childhood, family, his job and his life, but not a single memory after that graduation, he still had no clue where he was or how he got here. As the two began to talk again Michael kept getting more and more memories, telling his life story to Sasha. As Michael finished up with talking about all his memories he asked, “Do you have any memories coming to mind?” Sasha replied, “No, I only have more and more feelings coming over my body and I do not know why. I keep having a really bad feeling of anxiety and confusion. Also I keep feeling like I want to say I am sorry to you.” “You do not need to apologize to me for being here, we both got here somehow and do not know why, but at least we have each other in this desolate place,” Michael said. Sasha paused for a moment, looked at Michael and said, “I know that, it is a much deeper feeling than that. I just want to say I am sorry, over and over, to you.” Thinking this was strange, Michael just consoled Sasha and they kept talking to one another. As the sun was starting to set the both agreed to find somewhere to sleep. After a few minutes of walking Michael had noticed that Sasha had grabbed his hand. She looked at him and said, “I’m sorry Michael, I do not know why but I am truely sorry. I need to hold your hand, I just got an overwhelming sense of being lost and I am scared.” Michael said “Okay that is fine.” As he looked down at her trembling hand he saw that her arms were covered in bruises. “What happened to you here,” asked Michael, “Where did all the bruises come from?” “I do not have a clue,” said Sasha, “They were there when I woke up, they are all over my body.” “If I remember correctly, I have training as an EMT so we can take a look at them later on before it gets dark,” said Michael. “Thank you Michael, they keep hurting and getting worse,” said Sasha. 

     An hour later they finally found a decent place to lay down and get some rest for the night. In the distance the sun was begining to set leaving a beautiful orang hue to the water. All of a sudden Sasha fell to her knees in pain. Michael rushed over to her to see what was going on. Sasha said “I do not know what just happened but my back started getting sharp pains in it.” Michael helped Sasha to her feet. She stumbled a bit then got her balance. Sasha began to take off her shirt. Michael walked around her and began to look at the bruises. “They look bad Sasha,” Michael said. He noticed a birthmark on Sasha’s lower back and made a joke about it to try and lighten the mood a little bit. Sasha replied, “I know, you do not have to say it. Everyone tells me it looks like a heart.” Sasha smiled and laughed a little. “Thank you Michael,” said Sasha, “I needed to smile.” The two of them sat and talked some more. After the sun had disappeared they both curled up and closed their eyes, feeling confused and lost, but no longer alone. The next morning when they awoke to the sun coming up over the horizon Sasha rolled over and looked in Michaels eyes. Michael noticed that Sasha had a different look in her eyes. Sasha said, “I feel a little better today. My bruises do not hurt as bad and I feel a sense of happiness. I still feel like I hurt someone in my life though. The kind of hurt that can not be taken back.” Michael looked at her and said, “Your heart is good and you feel like you did something but after talking all day yesterday I feel like whatever happened was out of your control.” Sasha looked down and said, “That is just the problem though, I feel like it was completely in my control.” Michael felt confused now. They continued to talk about being hurt by others and forgiveness no matter what it was that someone did to another person. Michael explained to Sasha that ever since yesterday he felt like he knew her and her heart. Michael said, “I feel like I have know you for years Sasha. I feel like I love you like family. You keep saying sorry to me for something you do not even know and I keep forgiving you because you are a good person. You’re actions are separate from your behaviors. No matter what you have chosen to do in your life, I see a scared, lost girl that clearly has had no one to show her love in her life and in turn you have never loved yourself.” Sasha started to cry slightly and said,”When you talk to me I feel like I do love myself and I am worth everything I do. The overwhelming feeling I have not been able to get rid of is one of not wanting to exist. I have felt like I just want to jump off a cliff and end everything in an instance. You have given me a sense of being found, not having to be here alone and wanting to exist now. I feel like I can survive without anything now. The desperation in my heart is gone and all I feel is joy.” Michael smiled and said, “Lets go for a walk and see if we can figure something out about this place.”

     While walking down to beach they came across a cave in the rocks. They both went in for a better look. At the entrance Sasha hesitated. Michael said, “It is okay I’ll keep you safe.” Sasha said, “It is not that, I just feel like this cave is meant for you, not me. I feel like i belong out here. You go see whats inside and I am going to go back to camp to relax. Michael noticed that Sasha’s bruises were healing and almost gone at this point. “Okay,” Michael said, “I will see you in a little while.” Sasha said, “You will I promise.” Michael let go of Sasha’s hand and entered the cave. There was nothing but darkness. As Michael walked farther into the darkness he realized that the weight he had felt this entire time had disappeared completely, leaving him with a sense of being weightless. Michael saw a dim light coming from the end of the path in the cave. As he got closer he began to hear the beeping again, only this time it was louder. As he got closer to the light he started to feel a pull on his body. Something told Michael to just follow the beeping and keep going. After a minute he noticed he was not walking anymore and almost felt like he was falling, but he was not affraid of it. Now falling towards to light it got brighter and brighter and the beeping was very loud now. The light was blinding Michael and he could not see anything at all. Then in a heartbeat Michael felt the falling feeling stop. Still blinded by the white light Michael started to hear voices around him. He could hear a woman crying and a man talking to her. The voices stopped and there was silence for a few seconds. All of a sudden he heard the woman cry out, “Michael?” He heard footsteps rushing towards him then the light dimmed. Michael was laying there looking up at a white ceiling. He saw a man standing over him wearing a white coat with his hand on an overhead light. Michael rolled his head to the side as he felt his had being grabbed. “Janice,” Michael said quietly as he saw his wife standing next to him, “Where am I?” “You’re in a hospital sweetheart,” said Janice. Michael asked, “What just happened?” The doctor began to speak, explaining that Michael had been in a head on collision on his way home from his daughters graduation. Michael asked, “What? How?” After an hour of talking with the physician Michael found out that a car swerved into his lane in an intersection and hit him head on. Michael found out that himself and the driver of the other vehicle had both been in comas for three weeks now. Knowing that the other person was still in a coma just down the hall Michael asked if he could go see the person. The doctor agreed and they walked down the long hall. As they entered the room he saw a young girl in her twenties laying there hooked up to countless machines. Michael could hear that familiar noise of beeping in the background realizing that the heart monitors were the noise on that island. “Why was mine getting louder and Sasha’s getting quieter,” Michael thought to himself, “Just a coping mechanism in my unconsceous mind i suppose.” The doctor explained that the young woman had no identification on her and no one had come looking for her. Michael said, “So no one knows who she is?” The doctor replied, “No, she has no tattoos or anything else to distinguish her from anyone else. The only thing we found was a small birthmark on her lower back…” Michael stopped the doctor in mid sentance and said, “The shape of a heart?” The doctor looked amazed to say the least. “Yes,” he said, “a heart.” Michael looked at the doctor and said quietly, “Her name is Sasha Anderson. I have met her before. The doctor said, “We can not keep her on life support any longer and we have to pull the plug today.” Michael began to cry and asked, “Can I have a moment with her?” The doctor said “Yes” and stepped to the door. Michael got close to her and leaned down, whispering in her ear, “I know why you swerved in my lane Sasha. It’s okay and I forgive you. I love you and you’re not alone no matter what. Wherever you are now I will never forget you. I wish I had met you sooner, but you will be loved for eternity.” Sasha’s eye lids fluttered and her heart monitor flatlined as she took one more breath, then emptiness. Michael looked up with tears in his eyes at the doctor standing in the doorway. “She’s in a happier place now,” said Michael. The doctor slowly walked Michael back to his wife in his room where he felt at peace and fully had an understanding of what took place that day three weeks ago.

     Please remember that no matter how bad things get, they always get better. Sasha felt lost and wanted to end her life but by doing so it affected so many other people. She finally found her peace and will always be loved in the hearts of so many that knew her. As for Michael, he began a non profit organization dedicated to suiced in teens and young adults and has forever changed the lives of so many that feel lost and hopeless.

                                                  Joey Sutherland

This is dedicated to Bryce Westerman as he will live in my heart always.

[joesutherland86]

What a Blessing

     Sometimes your higher power throws you a gift in disguise. Yesterday my fortune cookie told me that someone I know would make me proud very soon. So here we go.

     I have been on a journey the last few weeks of discovery and trying to find balance with work and meetings. What I realized was that the balance I was finding was all work, helping people out and not going to meetings. This is not balance at all. Before I knew it my behaviors were starting to show that I was in need of a meeting badly. I found myself hanging out with people I probably shouldn't be around and acting like a douche to certain people I care about. I arrested the behavior, got some much needed sleep that I had been lacking and something amazing happened. On Monday I got a totally random message from a friend in the program asking if would go to a meeting Friday night because a mutual friend was in need of a ride out there. I figured why not but still didn’t know if I was going to go to the meeting. Friday came and at this point I hadn't been to a meeting in almost 2 weeks. I decided to go to the bowling alley to kill time and see my friends from the program which was nice. I got a hold of my friend who needed the ride and he ended up not going. I made the decision to make the hour drive by myself to the amazing bonfire meeting. I got there and I was immediately at piece once again. seeing people I missed and staring at a fire I got to breath again. I got what I needed out of last night and it felt so good.

     Now for the recovery talk. This program has taught me to reach out when I feel a certain way. I had forgotten this over a few week period. My higher power saw that I was drifting and not reaching out so he put a friend in the right place at the right time to reach out to me and they didn't even know it. Today I take everything for what it is and live in the moment. That moment told me to get out of town and visit a meeting I love. The topic was principals before personalities which no one liked a whole lot but it hit home dead on because this was the biggest factor in me not going to meetings in the last few weeks. Through my journey in recovery so far I have learned a lot. I heard a speaker say one time that our recovery is like a refrigerator. We fill it with food and expect it to keep the food fresh. The only thing to this statement is that the refrigerator needs to stay plugged in. When we forget to check ourselves and keep it plugged in our food begins to go bad. Narcotics Anonymous is my plug and my foot work in this program is my power cord. When I stop doing my foot work my recovery starts to whither inside my head. I noticed that my cord was unplugged and plugged it back in. I now have 5 months and 1 day in recovery and this is the longest I’ve been clean. Just like everyone I need to continue to do the next right thing when no one is looking and my higher power gives me blessings to the greatest extent. Without the program of NA and what I have gotten out of it I would be in prison or even worse, dead.

       I said my fortune cookie told me I would be proud of someone very soon right? Well that someone is myself today. It’s funny how everything comes full circle. I proud of the fact that today through listening to people around me I can come to my own realizations that are profound and life changing. I can recognize patterns that aren't healthy and actually want to do something about them. We are taught in treatment that a mental relapse happens months before a physical relapse. My mental relapse had begun and I knew it but I figured I got this one, I can slip a little and I won't use. How many of us have said this and eventually ended up getting loaded. The whole “I got this thing” does not work for anyone in this program. I have said so many times that yes there are a lot of people that can get clean and go back to a so called normal life and drink on occasions and what not. Well that is not me and that is not any of us in the program. We are clearly here for a reason so just fucking stay. This one goes out to the addict that thinks that have this under control because they don’t. I love you all whole heartedly. Principals before personalities is huge. I may not like your personality but I love that you're trying to better your life and I love you regardless of anything you could ever do as a human being with an addictive personality. This program teaches us to put aside feelings of this or that and just love, love others and most of all ourselves to the fullest extent. Okay I’m done rambling. My higher power shone his light in an amazing way this week.

     “Always dream and shoot higher than you know you can do. Do not bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.” ― William Faulkner

     Always be better than yourself, not others around you. 

[joesutherland86]

Balance

     I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately. Trying to find balance in the program, my recovery, my life, my friends and associates in general. This is a path that some figure out fast and some over a very extended period of time. In my past life leading up to my travel down the road of recovery I have always turned to some sort of outside influence to give me the feeling of balance. I say feeling and not actual balance because introducing some sort of numbing agent into your life is not balance, but an illusion of balance. When we start this journey we have no true understanding of what balance and happiness is. To us happiness is getting what you want in any given moment, not what you need, at all costs. This process of finding balance with myself and my life started when I felt overwhelmed with juggling work, drug court, NA, friendships, feelings, and fitting them all into a weekly schedule. Things have slowed down in my life and in my mind and now I have time to process these things. 

     First off the statement above is wrong in every sense, “fitting them all in to a weekly schedule.” I have come to the realization that all of these things will fit in where they need to in a timely manner. Lets take a closer look in to balance in these shall we?

     As for work, this has to be done in order to live comfortably, for me work is a huge part of my recovery process. So many people in the rooms choose to float on a life of no work and going to meetings in hopes that they will someday be a happy productive member of society. I do understand that some people are truly unable to work and need this but I feel that a lot of recovering addicts use this to hide in fear behind the wall of life. I hear a lot of “I have a record and no one will hire me,” all I have to say is get up and put some effort into finding a company or business that has no problem hiring a felon trying to better themselves and be a productive member of society at large. People that use excuses for why they can’t do this or that are living in fear of actually becoming an adult. Yes a lot of us were raised in a way that taught them to never grow up, but it’s a fact of life and the situation we have chosen to be in at this point. Recovery is about changing everything and becoming the true you and finally growing the fuck up. I surely don't have this down because I too struggle with getting up and going to work but I make my best effort. Hiding behind an ideology of what the process is that we’re trying accomplish is childish and not going to work in the end. I love everyone I meet in this process I am going through and I know that we all get there in our own time and way. Also when I say these things I am not talking about everyone that is in this position. If you're reading this and thinking “fuck you, you have no idea what or who I am and how dare you judge people like this,” I say I am not passing judgement because I know this all takes time, but when all we do is complain about our lives and/or post things about our “horrible” personal life on the bookface, we are clearly imprisoning ourselves in a box inside our minds, focusing on the could haves, should haves and the what ifs. I say open our minds, if only slightly, open it beyond the thought process of thinking everything is out here to get us and we will never have a happy life because of what we have done or how we think.

     As far as drug court is concerned we won't even get in to that. That was an easy one to figure out. As long as I don't get loaded and do what I am told it’s an easy process to get through.

     I feel that NA is also an easy one. Not just NA though, it can be any self-help program you choose to associate yourself with. They all have underlying commonalities. We are taught to change the way we live and become spiritual, not religious, but spiritual. Spirituality is the foundation on which you live your life day by day. We are the only one that can choose our path in life. We may not ever be in control of the outcome of anything or any situation we find ourselves in, but the initial choice of what to say or do is ours. If we continually choose to say or do things out of a fucked up thought process we will most likely continue to have a fucked up outcome. Positive self talk, loving ourselves for who and what we are becoming, loving and truly caring for others even if we don’t know them are all huge factors in your state of mind and wellbeing. When we begin to live on a spiritual foundation we find that we can function day to day. We find that over time our process becomes easier to deal with and we aren't hurting people close to us anymore. Be it church, NA, AA, CA, CR, or whatever you choose, it all boils down to the foundation of spirituality which we use, being in a right state of thinking and actions we choose in our own lives.

     Now we get to friendships. Most of us, from what I have noticed, find a group that they fit into and feel comfortable with and tend to stick in that. I don't know about everyone but if you are like me, I was comfortable in my addiction and that clearly didn't work for me. My biggest life change to this date has been getting out of my comfort zone and getting out of myself. When I get comfortable I begin to slide backwards. Thus why I bounce all over the place with friends and associates. Lately I have found myself in a situation of feeling comfortable with who I am around and what I am doing in my recovery. After sitting and thinking about where I am in my mind and actions I realize that it’s time to change it up slightly. There has been a lot of things that I see from an outside perspective and I am not completely sure if I like it. From a far and up close I have noticed that some of the people I associate with tend to pass judgement on others based on what they think they know about them or on other people they have met on their road of recovery. MRT tells us basically that when you are passing judgement on someone and thinking that you are looking at the person they are, you are truly looking in a mirror back at yourself and seeing issues you have in your own life or self. I will never pass judgment on someone before I have had ample time to get to know them and see the true colors of their being and not doing. That judgement also isn't saying who they are, just where they are on their path. A lot of us hold on to that ego that we are working so hard to get rid of, talking one way or another and acting totally opposite of that. A type of Dr. Jekel and Mr. Hyde syndrome per say. Through my own process of friendships and seeing character, I have come to many realizations about who and what I need to be around in my recovery. I am not saying if you are quick to judge that you are messed up in any way, shape or form. All I am basically saying is that if someone is going to be that kind of person in their own life, have fun with that, stay comfortable in your circle of friends and talk about whoever you want. Just stay out of my lane because i will run you over on my road trip to happiness and recovery. 

     As far as feelings go, this is a tough one for most, I know it was and always will be for myself. When I was in the mindset of having feelings and numbing them in whatever way possible, I was truly sick. Once I lost my desire to get loaded I had to deal with this in another way. A while back I was sitting in my apartment thinking “okay, I don't want to get loaded over this and I know numbing with other things isn’t the right thing to do,” I didn't know how to deal with the emotions of whatever I was going through. I felt, in a way, weird. I processed, vented, reached out and processed some more, but I didn't get anywhere in knowing how I should deal with these feelings. Through getting out of myself and taking my butt to a meeting I heard something that night that hit me like a semi truck. Someone said in their sharing that all you can do is feel the feelings. Wow I thought. That’s too easy to be the only thing you have to do. Why didn't I think of this sooner. I kind of felt stupid not knowing this, but I surely do now. Just the process of feeling our feelings, not pushing them aside and moving on to something else is an amazing feeling in the end result. When we can learn to live in the moment and be mindful we find that identifying what feeling we are having in any given situation is a clarifying and profound experience. Today I can feel my feelings and know exactly what feeling it is I am feeling. This was all mind blowing and new to me in every way imaginable. 

     Say or feel what you want about what I have written but remember that I am not directly targeting anyone with all this and if you feel like I was targeting you in what I said, sit back and process this fully. If you feel that my thought process in these matters are fucked up, it’s not your recovery, it’s my recovery. Remember that your recovery will get me loaded and my recovery will get you loaded. We all mold our recovery process around the basis that every program can teach us and no one will have the exact same recovery process. What works for you won’t work for me and vise versa. Through an understanding of recovery and the programs associated with that process, I am building my own path, my own process, and the way I choose is right for me and no one else, because today I have an understanding of what I need and not what I want. We are all the same in what we have done in active addiction and where we have gone in our former lives, but we all choose which path to take. I love you all to the fullest extent and thank you for reading my bull shit if you actually made it this far. Like I said, some may think I am right, some may think I am totally wrong, but that is your choice and we all have the freedom of thought. Through continuing to do the next right thing in any situation and make choices to better ourselves, we find that balance will come in its own time and form.

[joesutherland86]

My experience with "Higher Power"

So I was at a meeting tonight and I didn't get my share in so I'll just throw it on here. Today's daily meditation talked about being at peace when you talk to your higher power... So for the longest time in my addiction, I thought my higher power was the pills, the bottle, the pipe, etc etc..anything you associate with. These things were my significant other, my god, my way out of everything. At that point in my life I had no clue that your higher power would give you what you need. What I thought I needed was that next fix, all day every day. When I would talk to my higher power it would go something like this. "Dear God, please please please let me get this money so I can do this one last time, I promise this will be my last time." Not once did I think I was actually talking to my "lower power." He always gave me what I wanted, not what I needed. I would be so toxic that in my head I knew for sure this was the last time even though I knew it totally wasn't. Once I was introduced to NA I knew I needed to talk to my higher power and listen to what he has to tell me. I struggled with that which I thought was weird because of the way I was raised. I had lost that in my addiction and in my disease of life and me. Through a year of not being ready in the rooms yet never leaving, my higher power, God, gave me what I needed..a desire to never use again. Through application of this program and constant movement forward I have gotten the chance to open my relationship back up with my higher power. Finally coming back to the knowledge that when you talk to your higher power you don't beg for what you want, you give thanks for what you have been given and ask for guidance and what you truly need, whether you like it or not. Along with the daily meditation I can relate fully to knowing that I am at peace with wherever my life goes in this process because I know if I'm doing the right thing, good things will come. Sometimes quickly sometimes slowly. I am far from perfect as we all are but I'm doing the footwork to better myself on a day to day basis. Doing and not just talking about it. There was an incident the other day where I walked in to a bathroom with my almost 4 year old son to let him go potty. I walked in and immediately smelled burnt heroin. Without my higher power and living in my disease I would have said hey that sounds like a good idea. Today with constant contact with God, however you understand him, I can think quickly and clearly. What did I do? I took it to my higher power and ran out with my son pissed off that someone would do that in a place that I have my child and walked straight to an officer and told him to go in there. I don't pass judgement on anyone because I was once there. This disease is sick and twisted. Us as addicts think that is totally normal. There were countless times I did that in Walmart bathrooms with families next to me in stalls. Never again will I have to be at that point. I thank God for the program I am in and for the serenity I have in my heart day by day. You never have to use again. I love my family I have now in this program and all the close loving relationships I've made. Progress is amazing and better than any high you can get. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. There is a lot of power in that short sentence we say at every meeting if we actually let it sink in. I hope all that made sense. Goodnight.

[joesutherland86]

Rock Bottom

"Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life" -J.K. Rowling Remember that solid walls will shake but never fall. If we take the rubble from our past and lay it out before us we realize that you have the ability to build a fortress upon this. Each pebble and each chunk of our lives once lived fit together piece by piece to to form a material stronger than concrete. You begin to build upon this, a wall. Some of us may find that when we get our first wall started we may have forgotten a brick or two and the half built wall may crumble in front of us. This may happen over and over but don't let this discourage you from starting a new wall again and again. Those bricks that have fallen are still sitting in front of you waiting to be put back in place. Once we figure out the order of every brick and it's placement on this construction site we find that the walls begin to go up faster and more smoothly than the last. Eventually we are left with a masterpiece, our new life, a fortress called recovery, family, love and strength, built on a foundation of times past that we will always have in the back of our minds. As I said earlier, when all the bricks are in the right order, our wall, our new way of living, ourselves, may shake and put us in check but will never fall. Only after this may we feel safe and secure in ourselves, always keeping a watchful eye on every brick, ensuring the structural integrity of what we have constructed. Remember, maintenance is a must. Stay positive and never give up, EVER. Don't just fight to get a grip on this, fight for your life. Playing Russian roulette is not a way to live. At least that's what I got out of that quote. I love you family, so much. Thank you

[joesutherland86]

Family is Strength

Throughout the last year in and out of recovery I have made attempts at building healthy relationships and a good support group to surround myself with. These attempts were few and far between and honestly probably not healthy and never gave me support in any way that I actually needed. Coming to the realization that you need to surround yourself with people that matter and will be there for you at any given moment is honestly the easy part in this process. Actually utilising this valuable resource is a little bit harder to do, when you are still sick with this disease. It's amazing how much easier it is when you stop fighting this and always run from anything and everything that could actually help you. Once you figure this out you can get your "prescription" and get it filled. The medicine that this program gives you will arrest this disease. My prescription that I picked up was a family in this program that is amazing to be around and will be there for me indefinitely. To have a sponsor that has waited for me to pull my head out of my ass is a great feeling. Feeling like there are people out there that haven't given up on me, even when I have, is worth every second of being sane. Having brothers in this that will take you and make you laugh for hours right after you run in to an old friend that is still living in his addiction is priceless. Haha her milkshake brought this boy to the yard. Having friends that will be there always and not make you say no way dude, alone, is better than sex. Even the little things like pushing your truck through a parking lot so you can get it in gear after your hydraulic clutch shits out is always a bonus. Anyways, my fridge is plugged in and the contents are staying fresh again, finally. Getting connected, that doesn't mean just adding someone on Facebook that you met at a meeting, is worth the time and effort you put in to it. Getting to this point has taken long enough but it was worth the wait. Anyone can mow their lawn but if your blade is dull your lawn will get hacked all to hell. Keeping that blade sharp and fresh will manicure each little blade of grass and help it to grow much healthier. Today I am grateful for finally plugging in to a readily available resource that was always right in front of me just waiting for me to reach out and grab it. Well I'm happy to say I just super glued my hands to it and I'm fresh out of nail polish remover guys.

[joesutherland86]

Oh Joe

Hey so I'm very proud of myself. Last night I went AA/NA bowling and when I was leaving out of nowhere at like midnight I'm about to get in my truck to leave when someone I once used to "hook up" hops out right next to me. One of the first things he asked me was "hey can you get anything? I know you know someone...come on man I know you know someone." I straight up said "no bro I can't do that no more seriously, it was good to see you though" and made my way to the seat in my truck. Hahaha my Lil buddy Mary was right there too and said "really? Dude I don't even know you man but wow, really? We're in drug court." I said "dude we just got done clean and sober bowling." Anyways, I got in the truck to take Mary and my lovely self home and as I was pulling out I decided to call my sponsee brother David, we ended up all going to Dennys with him and a few other people because I needed a milk shake by this time haha which was amazing by the way. Anyways the night turned out to be more fun and way more laughs than I have had in a long time. Hahaha way to go me. Playing that tape all the way to the end Mrs. Bonovo. Had this been like 6 months ago or even possibly 2 or e weeks ago I would have said "ya dude I'll hook you up if you buy me 1 or 2." Just went from diapers to pullups ladies and gentlemen. Thank you to everyone that has and continues to give me support on a regular basis. Love you all deeply.

[joesutherland86]

The Catacombs of our Hearts

Life is to us as the maze of good is to evil, its mysterious corridors leading to wondrous vistas and nightmarish encounters in equal measure. Each of us walked the maze alone, treading in the footsteps of those that came before but also forging new routes through the labyrinth of existence. In times past we were drawn to the darkest secrets and ran wild about the maze, seeking to experience all that it had to offer. As individuals and as a civilization we lost our way and in doing so created the means for our doom; unfettered exploration leading to the darkness of our addiction. In the emptiness that followed a new way was revealed to us: Recovery. Through the wisdom of recovery we spend our lives exploring the meaning of existence, moving from one part of the maze to another with discipline and guidance so that we may never become lost again. Through Recovery we experience the full potential of love and hate, joy and woe, lust and purity, filling our lives with experience and fulfillment but never succumbing to the shadows that lurk within our thoughts. But like all journeys, Recovery is different for each of us. Some wander for a long time in one place; some spread their travels wide and visit many places for a short time while others remain for a long time to explore every nook and turn; some of us lose our way and leave the path of Recovery for a short time or eternity; and some of us find dead-ends and become trapped. Be the traveler that gets to that dead-end and re-traces their steps for as long as it takes to discover a new path. Eternally never wandering alone in one place; always taking one step forward in any given moment only to re-discover a new way to freedom...Recovery. You aren't alone, ever. By Joseph D. Sutherland

[joesutherland86]

Mirror

Something caught my eye today walking around town. I looked at this beautiful child, looking lost and so alone. His eyes shone bright with fear towards everything he knows. He tried to smile back at me when our eyes met, only showing me the depth of the vulnerability filling his heart. He looked like he wanted to say something but he wasn't able to get it out, lips moving but there was only silence. He reached out towards me like he wanted to be held but he was too far away for me to embrace him. He looked affraid of something, sad and confused, alone in himself. His hands were trembling and his face was iced over with numbness. I started to think, what could have possibly happened to this poor child? Where did his soul go? As he turned and began to walk away, glancing back at me every few seconds, I felt like I should have done something, but what? His eyes begged for help but he just couldn't seem to ask for it. What was he affraid of? I wish I knew his story. As he got farther and farther away the craziest thing happened. He grew taller and taller, almost looking like an adult. I rubbed my eyes trying to take in what was happening. I thought to myself I must be crazy. Did I just watch a broken, lonely child grow that fast? Literally in the blink of an eye he grew in to a man. A man that looked happy and full of life. A man with such an altruistic outlook on life and society. What the fuck just happened I thought. Seriously what the fuck. After standing there, thinking for a few minutes, I came to realize that I did know his story, where the pain was originating from, why he looked lost and hurt so deeply. I realized that I was looking at my reflection in a mirror, my addiction torn life that has transformed in to such a great life today. Through the process of inner discovery and becoming honest with everyone around me, especially myself, I was able to find a new way of life. A life without drugs, a life full of love and lasting relationships with family, friends and most of all, God. As I blinked again I saw myself standing there, smiling, alive and well. Feeling emotion and loving it, bad or good. That poor child needed help but had to find it on his own. We all do. I wish that child could have gotten that hug but it wouldn't have fixed anything. He found his soul, he found his way. He found life.

[joesutherland86]

New Beginings

Cheers to a new begining. Once life gives you an opportunity to make a profound change, grab on tight and ride it, taking it for what it is. Every experience in life is a gift from God. Let these gifts open your eyes wide and take in all the beautiful colors surrounding you. The spectrum of life itself is amazing and only with a clear mind can you begin to view it and live in its purity. Let your body and mind be at peace with one another and whatever comes at you just bite your lip and give it hell. Live altruistic in every aspect of the only life God has blessed you with.

[joesutherland86]

Gratitude

Today I'm grateful for being scared to death of court next week. As I look back at my actions lately I can't help but to future trip about having a review hearing. That won't get me anywhere though. Having this feeling has really put me in check about my life. I'm sure you've all seen the movie where the guy gives the example of an alcoholic with a gun to his head and a drink in front of him. That is me as I face 34 months in prison right now if I don't get my ass on this. To most this would sound like enough motivation to make someone not use but I'm an addict in every sense and when I'm living in my old ways of thinking I will choose my drug of choice over anything and everyone. I understand that my choices will make my path be it in recovery or in prison. I just hope my current actions will show that I want this as I'm in drug court. It's time to turn in for the night to have a conversation with my higher power. To pray and meditate, talk and listen. My choice today is to actually believe finally that I am a true addict and I am powerless over all of it. I need these rooms and the guidance of good people around me. I will follow direction for once and accept what my life is all though I don't like it. It's time to enjoy this horrible feeling I have and grow the fuck up.

[joesutherland86]

A path more often traveled by most.

I suppose it’s finally time I begin to write down my thoughts for somebody, if anybody to see. I guess I’ll begin with the fact that I am an addict in every sense. I’m addicted to drugs and women. This is real stuff guys. I am an addict in recovery. When you walk in to a 12 step program it’s hard to feel like things could get bad. In the beginning when we give ourselves to the program we feel great. Most call it the pink cloud. I call it bull shit. For the last year I have been up and down to the point that I was telling myself that no one here is like this. Now that’s bull shit because everyone in the rooms we walk in to is no different than the person to their left or right. I would get some clean time and burn it up in a bad decision. Slowly beginning a bad spiral to my old way of thinking. Only in yourself will you discover the true meaning of recovery if you are ready to discover it. I would tell myself that I’m a different kind of addict than this or that person and stop going to meetings. Well that only landed me up at my dealers house eventually. Over time I start to realize that I always thought step 1 was easy, admitting I’m an addict and stepping out of denial. Well yes I am an addict that’s not hard to see but denial? That’s a tough one for me. I never feel like I’m still living in denial but clearly I am if I still get loaded and don’t trust in myself to be a better person. Denial to me before was thinking that I’m not an addict but I see now that it goes much deeper. Denial to me is now the fact that I’m running from something I struggle to even see in my heart. I think I’m afraid to live a normal life again, scared to actually have to work for my money, fearful of having to raise a child alone and not self medicating to function easier. In all reality life is not hard, but with the way our fucked up minds operate in active addiction seems to convince us that it is so hard. I will always love getting high, nothing will ever stop that. I always tell myself that I don’t like my life when I’m getting loaded though, which is the truth by all means. I use and I’m lost, I don’t use and I am a father to my son, I use and I isolate, I don’t use and get out of my head and enjoy life for what it has to offer. Realizing that denial is so much more than thinking I’m a different addict than another or not one at all has been eye opening for me. I now can see that I am worth being clean. I can actually be someone again and get over my case of the fuck it’s. I stop caring even when I truly want to care. I’ll end this with saying that to anyone who has clean time and is serious, this should all be obvious, but to a new comer or someone that hasn’t quite gotten a grasp on this or let their old thinking push out what they have learned this is profound and mind blowing.