The 3 Little Addicts
I haven't taken the time to do any writing in almost a year. I think it's about time. I woke up today with with a lot on my mind. I have had the opportunity in the last month to see the depth of active addiction, culminating in a 2 day period where I got to see something that hits me deep. I will talk about progression in the early stages, middle stages, and late stages of this disease, through the eyes of several different addicts at different points of their disease. I'm going to tell you a story about 3 addicts, progression and powerlessness. I will let you decide whether any of this is true or not and you can form your own opinions. Addict 1 is pregnant and about 8 months along or so. She is in the stage of complete denial. Addict 2 is 5 months pregnant and in complete desperation mode, completely lost and crying out for someone to help, but unwilling to put knowledge into action. Now for addict 3. Addict 3 is living her life on her terms, living in a world all about her. 5 and a half years prior she was trying to better her life by getting put on methadone when she was 5 months pregnant. After her child was born, things went south between her and the father, living as addicts. After 4 years of her and the father being separated, she has chosen a lifestyle over her child. All 3 addicts are at totally different points of progression of their disease yet not so different from each other. I had the chance to have a pretty in depth conversation with addict 1 the other day. Up until that point I was under the impression that she had gotten clean a month or so before. After finding out she is still struggling I began to talk to her about her options and what may happen after her child is born. This topic hits me especially hard because of my history with addict 3. Not even 2 sentences into saying what will happen if she can't get clean before the child comes, she says "I don't even want to talk about that because I will be clean when the baby comes." The truth of the disease is that I have heard from the beginning that she was quitting in a "few" days. I know first hand how hard it is but addict 1 is lost in major denial and under the illusion that she has control over her disease. To me, that is a scary place to be. Moving on to addict 2. Addict 2 has been a very close friend for a few years. A while back though we lost contact with each other. I had an idea of what she was putting herself through but I thought at 5 months along that this person would have gotten some help. She has a background of knowing where to go if she needs to reach out. Anyways I finally got ahold of addict 2 last night after trying to reach out to addict 2 after addict 3 called me a month ago asking if I had seen addict 2 because she had basically stolen addict 3's car. All I could say was "that's what you get for leaving your keys with a person that has a history of car theft." That's not my problem. So addict 2 called me last night, super emotional and clearly lost. After talking for a few minutes I had agreed to let her drive to my house and sleep on my couch as long as she left the same time I did in the morning. After an hour and a half I get a message that reads "I am like 1 mile from your house and had to ditch the van." Right then all the red flags hit sky high. I basically told her that it was bull shit that she would even remotely try and put me in a position like that. I refused to come pick her up because apparently there was a sheriff that was driving around looking for her. I told her if she could walk the mile to my house then she could still sleep the night off. That was the last time I talked to her. I'm rather afraid of what took place but again it's not my problem. I felt bad but I have to protect myself in the end. Addict 2 is crying out for help from the bottom of her heart but she clearly hasn't made the decision to actually put action into place. I can only do so much when you know just as much as anyone else that had over a year clean at one point and spent time in the rooms and graduated MET work. Every time I see one of my friends or anyone at that, pregnant and using, it takes me back to what I went through with addict 3. Addict 3 and I met back in 2008 a few months after I had finished chemo and radiation. Little did I know at that time that I was an addict and deep down she was also. So began my relationship with with addict 3. A few months into our relationship we started using together. I'm not going to go into too much depth about being in a relationship where both parties are using drugs heavily because if you're reading this you probably have already been through a similar situation. After 4 years of an extremely toxic relationship and a year of toxic marriage we decided to go or separate ways because we knew we wouldn't get healthy together. Our son stayed with me and she took off. I chose a life of being a con artist per say and she chose a life of prostitution and God only knows what else. To this day she has only seen her son 4 or 5 times since the separation. Partly because I have a hard time with her coming back around for a day or 2 then falling off the face of the planet again. For a 5 year old child that doesn't know his mother, that has to cause damage in my opinion. Over the last month or two I have been making an honest effort to get her to come back around and every time I get ahold of her she will message for 5 min then disappear for a week. Like I mentioned earlier I can only do so much if the other party doesn't want it. So to me it feels like she is choosing lifestyle over her child. So at this time we have met addict 1, 2 and 3. Addict 1 is clearly in denial and doesn't want to admit lack of control. I can't blame her though because she has zero experience with different avenues of recovery. I can only pray she opens her eyes someday soon. I pray for you every night addict 1. Addict 2 is scared because she knows she is the one causing all of her pain. She is reaching out but I know from personal experience that reaching out won't do shit unless you are willing to surrender and put action into play. She has spent enough time in the rooms and graduated drug court to at least know 1 place to go that she is safe. A stolen vehicle isn't that place. Addict 3 I used to resent horribly. That resentment stayed until I had a chance to read the basic text. That was the point when I realised that not one addict is different than the other. I now show her nothing but love because in active addiction I am no better than anyone else in active addiction. I've put in my 50 percent and haven't received anything back though so it's time for addict 3 to sit back and look at where she is and what she needs in her life to stay clean in the long run. I try my hardest to not pass any judgement on anyone. In the beginning I mentioned 3 stages of active addiction. We have one woman so lost with no guidance on how to change the pattern and refuses to hear any of it. We have an addict that has been through all this before and slipped up and let things get carried away pretty fast in a very violent relapse. Then we have the addict that's been offered every opportunity in the world and still is, yet she is so oblivious to the fact that what she does effects everyone around her. I love all 3 of these addicts the same but I have learned that I am a saver. My lesson in all this was to learn to let go, if someone isn't ready they aren't ready. We all choose our own bottom, I just pray that they pick that bottom before it's the bottom of a 6ft. hole. As I said before, this all hits really close to home because of my history with addict 3 and the fact that my son was a product of the methadone program. So to see 2 pregnant women asking for help but not willing to go get into a program like that for the child, not her, it hurts deep. In closing I say this from my own personal journey I've been on. Not one person's recovery is the same as the next. One path that works for many might not work for everyone. If 12 step doesn't work then research other types of recovery. Just don't give up. Everyone deserves to live...and thrive in life. We don't shoot our wounded so when we're ready to come back and give it our all, I know hundreds of people that will welcome us back with open arms...and maybe a few cups of coffee. Lastly, I quote a movie I love, "be a do-er, not a don't-er," stop talking and start walking. As always, thank yoy for reading my blog.












