#progress i think

[rawrl1ns]

post-race sharl / rough coloring

[justricoo]

jus’ worked out to the whole Acid Rap mixtape by Chance The Rapper... not gonna lie i turned myself on 🥵

[securityunit-ese]

A challenging day being a scared dog today. But I think we hit the sweetspot with trazodone (a behavioural medication) as Thistle took all the challenges and stranger dogs and stranger people relatively calmly with only mild concern and not freaked out worried.

Proud of you Thistle! Walking in the city is hard when you’re such a scare 💛🐺

Here she is on a traffic island feeling a little confused about where we going but not freaking out and no hyperviligance 👏🏼 Progress!

Bonus round: she wasn’t as intense about a cat as she could be. Would still happily run it down but she had better control of her murder feelings, didn’t vocalise and was calmer about the whole thing.

[msmkcreates]

Me: *writing new chapter of SSiYC*

Me: I should be writing the vacation because I need to get through it. Some flashbacks, perhaps, but moving forward--

Also Me:

Me: Uh, well, okay, but we can still--

Also Me:

Me:.......FUCKING--

[cutiegirl555]

just moved for the firsttime in hours yay

[pebbleguppy]

had a dream i was flying and i put my hand in the glovebox of the plane (yes there's a little glovebox in the plane idk why) and i had all these needles in my hand when i pulled it out. it was like i tried to high five a porcupine. i started pulling out the needles but it hurt so bad i woke up

[allforlovessake]

first night in awhile i was actually excited to be here

[branchingcrossroads]

Realized that I feel obligated to wait for permission before I'm "allowed" to be strong. I haven't been letting myself act strong or confident. Part of me expects that the moment I do, someone will attack me, try to take me down a peg. "You think you're so smart? Want me to remind you of all the stupid things you did over the years?" "You really think you can do this? No you can't! Trust me, I've seen enough failures from you to know!" "Well maybe your opinions would be worth something if you got your act together. What are you even doing with your life? Do you really expect to be taken seriously when (your living space is a mess / you don't work full-time / you dress for comfort not style / you refuse to get your crooked tooth straightened / insert any other arbitrary criteria here)?" And I'm afraid that if someone "calls me out" like that, I'll buckle. Because it's true, I have done stupid things in the past, and I have failed, and I don't have my act together ((not that I'd let anyone touch my crooked tooth or rope me into a full-time job)). And these kinds of arguments have been used against me in the past when I couldn't fight back. ((I tried, sometimes. It would be used against me and just make things worse. There was no winning. The only thing to do was surrender and wait for it to be over. To listen with contrition, nod and shake my head and apologize in all the right places, until the mockery and yelling and finger-pointing run their course.)) It was safer to be small and meek, to doubt myself and defer to others. So that's what I did. What I was trained to do. And now that I'm allowed to fight back - when I can give myself permission to fight back - I don't know how. My brain shoots me down before anyone else can.

Yesterday I wanted to tell my person "I'm proud of myself for ((handling a situation))", but what I managed was "I guess I'm kinda proud of myself?" (((I was on the verge of adding 'not that it's a big deal', before my person cut in with "I'm proud of you". My brain went 'oh, I'm allowed! They agree, so I'm permitted to think I did well!' and then I had no trouble feeling confident and proud. About this specific situation. For the moment. (Because god knows, being told 'you did well' now doesn't mean it won't later be used as evidence of your selfishness or arrogance or laziness. 'You took one step in the right direction and you think that gives you bragging rights? That you never need to work hard again? That people will just respect you forever after?') )))

(And don't get me started on all the times I told people "actually, my pronouns are they/them", and consciously willed myself to stop talking,...and couldn't help adding a quiet little "if you don't mind" >__< )

But guess what. I don't need your goddamn permission. I don't have to wait on your goddamn approval. Maybe I'm not ready to act on it now. Maybe I don't know when, or if, I'll actually believe it. But I'm starting to think that maybe one day I will.