I suddenly feel like Kiki when she lost her magical ability to understand Jiji and fly on her broom. Sometimes I catch myself asking why I'm doing Project Green in the first place when I know the reason why, and it's because my creativity was always encouraged by the good people in my life. And some of those people are gone now. But in the end, if I give up now, then I'd feel like I'm disappointing them in a way. I've gotten this far.
I just hope this is some temporary depressive episode and that it goes away, because if it's anything like my depressive spiral in December of 2024, I really don't know if I have the energy to fight my way out of it this time. All I could do was cry then and barely get myself out of bed due to crying all night and just staring at the wall like some helpless baby animal. I should have known. All the signs were there, yet I was too blinded by my sudden passionate creativity that struck me like lightning. Maybe that's was just some sort of manic thing. I don't know. I'm not bipolar to my knowledge, and no professional has said anything about that. Who knows. I just hope it fucks off and leaves me alone.
I've tried to shut it all up, but then I forget I lost Nan at the beginning of this year and it's only been a few months. Happened in January. It's already June. I don't know why my family has moved on so fast already. Yet here I am, forgetting most of the time that it even happened. That's how beside myself I am, I guess. Unable to completely believe it, so my mind just forgets that it happened and I think about writing a letter but catch myself at the last minute.
I then reread the cards she sent me over the years and cry all over again like an idiot. I refuse to get rid of them. And if someone tells me to get rid of them, they can just shove that "advice" up their arse for all I fucking care. Really, what is with people getting rid of things like that after they've lost someone? It's mind boggling to me. Sure, if they were terrible to you I could see why. But she was the sweetest. No. I'm keeping my stupid cards, even if their religious. I don't care. It was how she was and I don't judge her for that. She was only doing what she felt was right, especially with how she loved me. I can't fault her for that.
I just realized that this was the first birthday I've had with her dead now. I reread the old birthday cards she sent me or gave to me as a kid. One of them is a Cinderella card. Another is a Barbie one. Then I've got a Sleeping Beauty one.
This is making me sick. I can smell the English lavender soap she used to have. And she would wear this perfume that smelled of myrrh, I swear. But I've forgotten what it was called and where she got it, and that really bothers me. I'd never wear it at my age, and I'd personally never wear it in general. But now I want that stupid perfume so bad now. She'd put it on all the time and her clothes would always smell like it. Hell, her entire house smelled like that and English lavender.
She had cow printed mugs. And those goose printed dishware and silverware. I miss that set. And she had a China cabinet full of Chinaware....and teacups and teapots....she had these ceramic bells too. And little figures of British telephone boxes and even a Big Ben. She was from Oxford.
I thought I was done posting about all that stuff about losing her, but here I am. And it's only been...oh, I don't know how many months now. Four? Fucking hell....I feel so sick right now...four months and my family's already moved on and dismissed it. And here I am, silently mourning still. I don't really talk about her openly anymore. But when I catch myself, I always feel this terrible feeling, like someone's going to hit me upside the head and scream in my face that she's dead.
How in the world can I continue this project now? Fucking hell....
