Jul 25, 2018
i’m drunk & i’m sad but that’s nothin new
seen from Norway
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seen from T1
seen from Canada
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seen from Switzerland
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seen from China
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seen from Brazil
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seen from Singapore
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seen from United States
i’m drunk & i’m sad but that’s nothin new
i’m comfortable being single. i think as much as i’m desperate for love & a relationship, i’m more comfortable this way. i can just, do what i want & live how i want & there’s no one around with expectations or judgement. my mother is enough for that.
it’s equally funny & disgusting to me how much weight i’ve gained in the past year due to depression/loneliness/alcoholism.
what’s not funny is how i can’t seem to get out of this.
my whole apartment looks so much better after the work i’ve put in to it the past 2 days. but still gotta wake up an hour earlier than usual tomorrow to make sure it’s still in good condition & work out some last minute things that i’m just too tired to do today.
but i’m feeling good. (tho it might be the beer, ima believe it’s the hrs work i’ve done)
i thought i had 5 beers so i didn’t stop to get any on the way home. i got home & only had 3. i’ve finished them all & was going to go to the wine store because it’s the only thing open right now.
but i was productive when i got home, i cleaned & organized my kitchen & living room to the best i can with what i have right now.
i know that wine hangovers for me are a real thing, & it’s already 9pm, it’s my bedtime in an hour. so i’m just gonna smoke a few bowls & a few cigs, maybe have a snack then go to bed.
bless my landlord telling me a guy is coming in on wednesday to change the windows or whatever. or else i wouldn’t have had any motivation to clean & organize like i’ve WANTED to the past month. but just couldn’t find the will to do it. i’m cleaning my room tomorrow & then everything will be much more organized & much more clean.
p.s
i have a handful of people i can trust to know what trash i am. so when i accomplish something that may seem small to a healthy person, i send them pics/texts showing i cleaned/showered/ate/etc & they respond positively. telling me “good job” or “i’m proud” or anything positive that makes me feel good for acknowledging that i tried.
i fucking suck at being a person & sometimes i need some people to push me to do things i don’t care to do. & not like; go out w friends, family things, work out. i mean more like; shower, change ur clothes, eat something, clean ur fuckin room, etc.
i need hypemen to help me. & it’s sad & it’s pathetic. but i have friends who don’t judge me or resent me for it. i have real, true friends who know how hard i’ve been struggling the past year & who will have my back & love me & help me however they can. even if it’s just responding “i’m proud of you”
(sorry this is so long & rambly i’m really high right now lmao)
((remind me i have a personal post about canada day night that i want to post about since this is my honesty blog & i think it’s a thing i rly need to write about to fully process. OH also a pride weekend post. thanks))
I 100% forgot about this blog but somehow it came to mind & I think thats a sign I should start posting here again so I have some sort of release. Bc things have been pretty brutal in my life lately & I think this may be the lowest low I've had in literal years.
I'll make a separate update post when I'm not as tipsybas I am rn.
The very SECOND I feel someone start to distance themselves from me, I distance myself ten times harder.
I ruin myself.
Haven't drank beer all work week. Been pounding back the water. Been being way more active than usual. I'm celebrating tonight with a bit of vodka. Also this should help me sleep since its been next to impossible to do so all week long.