[projectingoutward-blog]

i think i’ve hit my rock bottom. i think this is the worst i’ve ever felt. i think this is the most i’ve felt about not wanting to be alive anymore. i’m scared. i’m sad. i’m tired. i just, really don’t want to continue being a person. shits fucking rough right now. i don’t even know.

[projectingoutward-blog]

i’m drunk & i’m sad but that’s nothin new

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i’m comfortable being single. i think as much as i’m desperate for love & a relationship, i’m more comfortable this way. i can just, do what i want & live how i want & there’s no one around with expectations or judgement. my mother is enough for that.

[projectingoutward-blog]

it’s equally funny & disgusting to me how much weight i’ve gained in the past year due to depression/loneliness/alcoholism.

what’s not funny is how i can’t seem to get out of this.

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my whole apartment looks so much better after the work i’ve put in to it the past 2 days. but still gotta wake up an hour earlier than usual tomorrow to make sure it’s still in good condition & work out some last minute things that i’m just too tired to do today.

but i’m feeling good. (tho it might be the beer, ima believe it’s the hrs work i’ve done)

[projectingoutward-blog]

i thought i had 5 beers so i didn’t stop to get any on the way home. i got home & only had 3. i’ve finished them all & was going to go to the wine store because it’s the only thing open right now.

but i was productive when i got home, i cleaned & organized my kitchen & living room to the best i can with what i have right now.

i know that wine hangovers for me are a real thing, & it’s already 9pm, it’s my bedtime in an hour. so i’m just gonna smoke a few bowls & a few cigs, maybe have a snack then go to bed.

bless my landlord telling me a guy is coming in on wednesday to change the windows or whatever. or else i wouldn’t have had any motivation to clean & organize like i’ve WANTED to the past month. but just couldn’t find the will to do it. i’m cleaning my room tomorrow & then everything will be much more organized & much more clean.

p.s

i have a handful of people i can trust to know what trash i am. so when i accomplish something that may seem small to a healthy person, i send them pics/texts showing i cleaned/showered/ate/etc & they respond positively. telling me “good job” or “i’m proud” or anything positive that makes me feel good for acknowledging that i tried.

i fucking suck at being a person & sometimes i need some people to push me to do things i don’t care to do. & not like; go out w friends, family things, work out. i mean more like; shower, change ur clothes, eat something, clean ur fuckin room, etc.

i need hypemen to help me. & it’s sad & it’s pathetic. but i have friends who don’t judge me or resent me for it. i have real, true friends who know how hard i’ve been struggling the past year & who will have my back & love me & help me however they can. even if it’s just responding “i’m proud of you”

(sorry this is so long & rambly i’m really high right now lmao)

((remind me i have a personal post about canada day night that i want to post about since this is my honesty blog & i think it’s a thing i rly need to write about to fully process. OH also a pride weekend post. thanks))

[cursedcatimages]

[thelovejournals]

“You’re beautiful, but you’re empty. No one could die for you.”

— Antoine de Saint Exupéry, The Little Prince (via theliteraryjournals)

[projectingoutward-blog]

I 100% forgot about this blog but somehow it came to mind & I think thats a sign I should start posting here again so I have some sort of release. Bc things have been pretty brutal in my life lately & I think this may be the lowest low I've had in literal years.

I'll make a separate update post when I'm not as tipsybas I am rn.

[projectingoutward-blog]

I’m done letting her affect my life. I’m done with thinking about her all the time every day. I’m done caring about her opinion of me. I’m done with thinking maybe, some day we will be friends or lovers or something again. I’m done.

I’m moving on with life. I have a list of goals I want to achieve. I have a (fake?) boyfriend that I feel committed to (even though I don’t quite know if he’s committed to me but that’s a whole other post for another day)

She’s in a serious relationship. They live together, have a dog together, love each other. The only reason I still hold on to some stupid, idiotic shred of hope is because of the far between messages she sends me. About how she misses me. Or thinks of me.

But that’s not true. It’s all bullshit. So I keep thinking about her. So I still have hope. So I still think about her. So she has some type of control.

Whether I have an actual boyfriend or not (I really don’t know) I refuse to let myself get played by someone who no longer cares about me. Who I ruined things with because I’m a terrible fucking person.

I’m pathetic & she knows that, but I’m trying to get better. I won’t let false hope stop me. I won’t let her get to me. I will get better & I’m going to stop caring about her opinion of me. No matter how hard it is.

[projectingoutward-blog]

The very SECOND I feel someone start to distance themselves from me, I distance myself ten times harder.

I ruin myself.

[projectingoutward-blog]

Haven't drank beer all work week. Been pounding back the water. Been being way more active than usual. I'm celebrating tonight with a bit of vodka. Also this should help me sleep since its been next to impossible to do so all week long.

[projectingoutward-blog]

Today, I feel like a brand new person. Today, I know that good things are coming, that I'm going to become a better person. A much, much better person. I had a dentist appointment for my broken teeth (which have given me constant anxiety, depression & no self confidence) & it went so much better than expected. The dentist took a look & said "Well, I was going to do a full mouth exam & take some X-rays, but I think we should just go ahead & take care of that right now. Sorry this is our first meeting." I laughed out loud & told him I loved him. So, my gums are quite sore but my teeth are fixed & I can smile again. I feel so much better about myself already. I can't stop smiling, or looking at my teeth. Another positive, I haven't had any beer since Sunday night. I mean, my sleep is all fucked up now (I'm running on 6 hours since I woke up Monday) but it'll sort itself out. I now have a case of water in my fridge instead. Now I'm motivating myself clean the apartment & do some sort of exercise. Probably a dance party. I feel good. It's going to get better. My boyfriend is so supportive. I feel content.

[projectingoutward-blog]

Funny how I set a list of goals for myself but I’ve literally been doing the opposite of all of it.

It’s okay though. Once this beer is gone, which will be like tonight, I’m alcohol free for almost two weeks & I’m gonna take that time to work on my goals.

Also, when I do have alcohol money again, I’m not spending it on beer. I’m buying vodka & just gonna take a shot or three a night. The same buzz as my beer but saving so much money & not getting bloated & feeling like shit because all the gluten.

It’s sad I know I can’t just stop drinking. I need to find a substitute. I hope one day I can find that in water or something. But I can’t push myself or I’ll have a real meltdown.

Just the thought of not having beer after tonight fucks me up a bit. Though I still have beer. The thought of not getting more when it’s gone is hard. But necessary. I’m scared. But I can do it.

Maybe I won’t feel the need to isolate myself so much when I do it.

[projectingoutward-blog]

i really want to be more active with camming & the adult industry & making a name there.

I think it’s the only thing I’m kind of okay at & I think I’m decent at it.

But I don’t think my boyfriend would be super into that. & I’m getting up there in age (for said industry) so it wouldn’t last long. But it’s the only ting I’m really interested in doing.

Idk life is hard

[projectingoutward-blog]

Starting monday, I'm walking to work every day. I'm not drinking beer. I'm sticking to my no bread/mostly gluten free diet. I'm going to replace beer with something else. I'm unsure of what yet. But something. Because I want to get more fit in the four months before my boyfriend is back. & it's pointless to try when I drink so much beer. So these last 9 tall cans I have are the end of something I never thought I'd want to end. But I'm committed to this. I'm doing it. I wanna get super sexy

[projectingoutward-blog]

I'm done letting her affect my life. I'm done with thinking about her all the time every day. I'm done caring about her opinion of me. I'm done with thinking maybe, some day we will be friends or lovers or something again. I'm done. I'm moving on with life. I have a list of goals I want to achieve. I have a (fake?) boyfriend that I feel committed to (even though I don't quite know if he's committed to me but that's a whole other post for another day) She's in a serious relationship. They live together, have a dog together, love each other. The only reason I still hold on to some stupid, idiotic shred of hope is because of the far between messages she sends me. About how she misses me. Or thinks of me. But that's not true. It's all bullshit. So I keep thinking about her. So I still have hope. So I still think about her. So she has some type of control. Whether I have an actual boyfriend or not (I really don't know) I refuse to let myself get played by someone who no longer cares about me. Who I ruined things with because I'm a terrible fucking person. I'm pathetic & she knows that, but I'm trying to get better. I won't let false hope stop me. I won't let her get to me. I will get better & I'm going to stop caring about her opinion of me. No matter how hard it is.