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Project Ivy and bravery revisited

So after all my wittering on about bravery on here I was asked to speak at a Christian women's event on it. Eek! So had to put my money where my mouth was then!!! Here are my notes from the talk – to be honest you will recognise a lot of it from other blog posts up on here, but it will hopefully serve as a good recap! (its a long one, so brace yourself!!)

When I was asked to do this talk on bravery I wasn't sure whether I would laugh or cry – because in all honesty in many ways I do not see myself as brave. I want to be brave, I aspire to be brave, I desperately want to model it to my precious children but in all honesty I feel I am a hundred miles away from it.

It says in the Bible do not be afraid 366 times – once for everyday of the year and an extra one for days like today!! The trouble is I am still a little afraid, but as Meg Cabot says courage is not the absence of fear, its the choosing that something is more important than it!

So here I go – trying to be Brave!!!

I think part of my problem is I am very limited in my understanding of bravery or courage sometimes.

I used to think I had courage! My job was stand to stand up in front of lots of people and speak! So when I stopped, when I lost my voice I thought I ceased being brave. And in many ways I did. But I was mistaken in believing that standing up in front of people was courageous or brave.

I was not brave because I had an audience, I was brave because I believed I had something worth saying.

I was brave because I believed in myself and the truths God had spoken into my life.

The bravery was not in the audience – the bravery was in me. And in all honesty for a long time I did stop being brave, stopped having confidence. Not because I stopped speaking, but because I stopped believing anyone would want to listen. I stopped believing my life could make an impact. In honesty I stopped believing I was of worth.

I think we can be very mistaken in what we believe bravery is – that it is the speakers, the heroes, the saints. The great and wonderful people doing great and wonderful things. We think Bravery, is big. Where as in truth I believe it is small. Being brave is simply choosing to live the life we want and not letting anything rob us from all God has for us. For some of us that is the bravery of learning to love ourselves, in believing that still small voice that whispers we are enough, that we are good, that we are of worth and then living like its true! For others its the bravery of coping in our struggles. Its the bravery of being faithful, its Lois and Eunice's amongst us. They are Timothy's mother and grandmother from the Bible who Paul praises for their great examples of faithfulness and how that has shaped Timothy to be the man and leader he became. I love their witness. There is great bravery in being faithful. There is bravery in waiting. There is bravery in risking it all for what we want. There is bravery in those uncomfortable first steps as we venture out of where we are, in the hope and faith that there is more. Courage is getting out of bed everyday believing you have the power to make the difference. Courage is in the trying, in the failing, and going at it again.

Mary Anne Radmacher once said ' courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow"'

I love that.

I think I have decided that being brave is not in the doing, but in the being.

The story of Gideon starts in Judges 6. There was a war raging in his land and Gideon was hiding in a well from his enemies. Gideon called himself, and was referred to as, the smallest man from the smallest tribe! Gideon was, in that culture, a bit of a nobody – and he knew it. It was while he was in that well he heard the voice of God. Now what did God say? ‘stop hiding you wimp’ ‘get up loser’? No, he called him a ‘mighty warrior’ and told him he was with him! Gideon limited himself, he only believed lies about himself. He saw only weakness where God saw strength. Gideon saw uselessness, God saw power. Gideon did become a mighty warrior and won many a victory. However, Gideon didn’t become a warrior by changing in a superhero transformation way. He was still the smallest guy, from the smallest tribe, he just chose to step up and be something more. He choose to live in truth. He didn’t wait to be ‘transformed’ to be a mighty warrior, he simply believed was one, and so with God's help, he became one.

Put simply, if we want to brave, we must, simply, be brave!!!

Ok, that sounds a bit yoda-ish, but there is truth in it. There will always be reasons to not be brave. There will always be reasons to play it safe, to believe lies about ourselves and our abilities and shortcomings. There will always be reasons to stay comfortable and stay put. But what if we choose more – what if we truly believed we could do or be anything and then lived like it was true!

Gideon heard the still small voice, but more importantly he believed it! He was, always a mighty warrior, just now he lived in that truth.

Part of that bravery for me is being a women who inspires my daughter.

I write a blog where I encourage women to join project Ivy, a fictitious group for women who seek to model positive feminism and femininity. Women who have the bravery to love themselves and invest in the loving of those around them.

It is also in part about fighting for equality in a world that mistakenly seeks to limit, pigeon hole and reduce girls simply because they were born female. So I campaign, blog and challenge inequality and everyday sexism where I find it.

I want to be brave, brave enough to step past expectations, limitations and live my life fully.

I want to be brave like Mary, sitting at the feet of Jesus unaware of the voices around her telling her she shouldn't and she should know her place as a women.

When reading the story of Mary and Martha in Luke 10 it is easy to make it just about busyness and the bravery of stopping. Because stopping is brave. Being still and listening to God takes amazing courage. Imagine what what happen if we really gave God room to speak, what if we made time to listen. I wonder what new truths we would learn.

But I think Luke 10 it is about so much more.

Starting at vs 28 Now while they were on their way, Jesus entered a village, and a woman named Martha received and welcomed Him into her house. She had a sister named Mary, who seated herself at the Lord’s feet and was listening to His teaching. Martha was serving; and she came up to Jesus and said, Lord, is it nothing to You that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me, to lend a hand and do her part along with me! But the Lord replied to her by saying, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things; Mary has chosen that which is to her advantage, which shall not be taken away from her.

Mary was Brave because she stopped. Stepping out of alpha womening is Brave! By alpha womening I mean the need to look in control and the fulfilling of weird stereotypes and images we construct for ourselves. The need to be the best – the best host, the best mum, the best cook. Wanting to impress and look in control. It can get extreme.

I have heard of schools stopping having such things as take home bears. The teddy's that go home with children for them to record what they did of a evening or weekend, because the parents were getting super competitive and the bears (and children) were being whisked to Disneyland for the weekend!

Women, we need to stop living like this! We need to break the lie that others opinions of us count! If you need to make a change in your life, be brave enough to do it, without worrying what others will think. Mary was not in any way the perfect host, she was not doing what looked right or would impress others! That is the bravery and courage I crave.

The really revolutionary part of this story in my opinion though – the bit that shows real bravery is that Mary, was a women sitting at a man's feet being taught!!

Culturally that is so brave. I think part of Martha's issue, that we miss sometimes with our lack of understanding of the context, is that Mary sitting at Jesus' feet was totally shocking and not done in that society at all. Women did not learn – women did not join the men, women watched from other rooms and women served! Martha would have been very embarrassed and uncomfortable by her sisters actions. What Mary was doing was extremely improper, not just being a bad host, but being in a place she absolutely had no right to be as a women. I love the fact that we are loved by a God who does not seek to limited or restricted because of our gender. Jesus praises Mary, and we like her are called to sit at his feet and go deeper – whatever the cost. Either that of our reputation, or that of others expectations. I want to be a Mary. A brave women who does what is right – not behaves by someone else’s rules.

Every Friday Ivy and I enjoy a movie night. Picking films to watch can be a bit of a minefield, trying to find films suitable, engaging and with good role models is easier said then done. I want films that send the right message – especially about females. Even in adult films females can so often be limited ‘girlfriends’ or ‘bystanders’. You rarely see women having a conversation with each other and if they do it tends to be about a man, you never normally see them solving problems, planing, or leading.

In children's film, and some books, Princess can sometimes be code for – perfect hair, pretty dress and needs a man to rescue her/ help her/ save her/ find her/ - generally a lot of standing around while a man saves the day! When reading Cinderella (and other such fairy tales) to Ivy I find myself enhancing the story! I talk about Cinderella’s sister who was also in the house with her; the girl who doesn’t wait for a man to rescue her, but stood up to the injustice of her Step mother and finds freedom for herself! That is the Princess I want to inspire her! I am ashamed to say my ‘empowerment programme’ has gone a step further with the invention of ‘Ambassador Ivy’ a story I created about the daughter of a King who didn’t want to just be pretty – but be pretty awesome, so uses her powers to change the world!

We tell the story of this hero and Ivy now knows by rote that Ambassador Ivy is clever, Ambassador Ivy is kind and Ambassador Ivy is brave – and with these 3 things she can change the world!

I think as Christian women this whole ‘daughter of the King’ thing can be a big part of the teaching we are exposed to. There is nothing wrong with us finding worth in the awe and power of our heavenly father, however when laid against the ‘pretty and powerless’ history of the word I think it sells many a woman short. I want that legacy and royal heritage to empower and equip Ivy, not limit her. I want her to be mighty, not minimal. I want her being rescued to mean she is free – not inherently weak!

We are all in need of being saved, but that has sometimes been used as a yolk to oppress rather than empower. Being the daughter of a King comes with privilege, but also responsibility to act, to be powerful not powerless! I think this princess fixation can sometimes generates a helplessness in women - it is summed up best in a quote from the book ‘the forgotten garden’ by Kate Morton “a girl expecting rescue never learns to save herself, even with the means she will find her courage wanting”.

We can risk becoming women fixated of waiting, rather than inspired to action.

Unlike the princess narratives our ‘save’ is not the end of the story, it is just the start. It is our time to get up and start adventuring with a heavenly co-conspirator.

It is our time to be free.

Being women we can be exposed again and again to talks on self worth – and regularly I have needed them, however if these are not calls to battle then we are being sold short as a gender! It is good to be reminded that we are of royal blood, and all the worth that comes with it, but if we are too scared to damage our crowns then what is the point of us wearing them!

Unlike the fairytale princesses we are not call to sit on the sidelines looking pretty – we are called to be ambassadors, repping for our royal family wherever we are and by what ever that takes! These are the women I want to inspire Ivy – Women prepared to be Clever, Kind and Brave – Women prepared to be all they can be, fully committed to live in the freedom they have granted. women prepared to dent their crowns and get some mud on their dresses as they join the action. Women who the only pretty they want to be is – Pretty awesome!

Gideon was always a brave and mighty warrior – something I think we all are. We just, like him, have to live it! We can all do brave, courageous and wonderful things – if only we understand what that means for us. Our bravery may not look like anyone else’s, our bravery may be to others small – but it counts.

Mother Teresa Once said “Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person. Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love”

For me Bravery is in the belief we are powerful, and then living that truth and doing something about it. Our small acts of bravery have the power to change the world – not just that of ourselves as we become free - but for those around us too – because I really do think we hold that power.

There is a famous story about an old man who one morning was walking along a beach a littered with starfish. The old man noticed a boy. As the boy walked, he paused every so often to bend down to pick up a starfish and throw it into the sea. The man called out, “what are you doing?” The young boy paused, looked up, and replied “Throwing starfish into the ocean. They will die, unless I throw them back into the water.” The old man replied, “But there must be thousands of starfish on this beach. you won’t really be able to make much of a difference.” The boy bent down, picked up yet another starfish and threw it into the ocean. Then he turned, smiled and said, “It made a difference to that one!”.

I think this is an amazing story of bravery – one that the lad saw a need and decided he had the power to do something about it, and two – that he was not put off by negative voices. I think we need to start being brave by listening to God's truths, but then doing something about it! We need to be women who step up into action doing what we can where we can.

When I worked for YFC the leader of New Zealand YFC came over to talk at the national conference. Their slogan was 'just for one'. As an organisation they had decided to stop being worried about numbers – to stop trying to go great and wonderful things but to be brave enough to say 'just for one'.

That statement is two fold –

just for God, as if he was the only one that mattered. Sometimes our lack of bravery can be a result of worry about what others think of us. We become obsessed with comparing ourselves and coming up short. By letting God be our One, suddenly we can become a lot more powerful. How transformed could we live if it was just his eyes that mattered. I love the Hebrews 12 especially the first verse. “since we are surrounded by such a great crowd of witnesses, we must strip off and start running the race”. I love the idea of all the heroes of the faith cheering us on and encouraging us to go for it!! Imagine if we really lived like this – like we had a cheer squad! One of my wonderful foster son's summed this up for me. His birth mother had requested she would attend his sports day, and so I had been asked not to go. Unfortunately she did not show up so he was left without a 'parent' to cheer him on. When I asked him afterwards how it was, he told me he was sad to start with but then, as he started running he heard Jesus' cheering for him, louder than any of the other mums or dads! He told me he had never run so fast!!!

Just for one was also their slogan because for them, if just one young person's life was changed, then that was enough. There is immense bravery in stepping out and saying 'just for one'. To step into, and embrace ourselves, our desires and passions while not being swayed by wonder of 'bigness' takes immense bravery. To believe our dreams are enough and value them, and then live them. That is courage. I love the verse Psalm 37 v4, “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart and your secret petitions of the Lord” But I think often it is greatly misunderstood. I do not think God gives us what we want – he does not come along to tick off our life shopping list, more the other way round. If we make him our joy, or goal, then he will plant in us dreams, he will grown in us desires. My heart's desire is to foster, but that has come from God.

For me being brave is choosing as Ghandi once said 'to be the change I want to see it the world' I want to be the change I hope for our children, but also the change I wish to see in the wider world. For me and Simon that means we have taken radical steps to try and live ethically and make choices based solely on what we believe God is calling not just wage packets or corporate ladders. Francis Chan sums it up well for me! Our greatest fear should not be of failing but succeeding in what does not matter.

So for me and Simon we decided to make a conscious effort to be brave enough live a different way! I say ‘decided’ because it is a choice and I say ‘effort’ because we are not perfect – we still can fall into the trap of being driven by money, and status. But our aim is to not let them be the contributing factor to why we made choices. That difference has cost and sacrifice, we have had to brave.

For us bravery also looks like investing in people and children despite the cost. For us it is not giant, just loving people! So as foster carers it is the courage of waiting for a phone call knowing that it will change our life. Every child we have the privileged to love changes us, shapes us and leaves an imprint.

For us as a family it is also loving knowing we will be hurt. People always ask how we can face saying goodbye. I have a great stock answer about how if you love the child you want the best for them, even if that means you don't ever see them again. And there is truth in that. But it hurts. I grieve for the children that leave and it breaks me. But my bravery is to say I will love again. I will love anyway. I will not harden my heart. I will choose to love with all of me despite the inevitable pain.

In all honesty day to day can be harder than the goodbyes. Loving very damaged children who can be destructive, violent, and hateful is an active choice – and it takes courage to love them knowing that both their actions and their leaving will hurt. We need to be brave enough to love, to invest, to be the change.

I once had the privilege of hearing the amazing Sara Miles speak. She was a chef and now runs one of the largest food banks in America. As an aside, her story of meeting God is immense, she was walking past a church early one sunday morning, it was open so she walked in (that’s bravery right there!) It was the equivalent of a high Anglican church over here. Pews, organ playing and big alter. It was before the service and they was no one really about. The priest while pulling on his robes asked her if she would give him a hand, he handed her the communion bread and asked her to take it to the alter. So she did. She then stayed for the service. As she felt useful she came again the next week, and the next, and the next, always arriving early to help the priest.

There is a bravery in being vulnerable and asking for help – as in doing so we create opportunities for others and help to make others feel worth! What an amazing priest not not feel he had to be in control! I am thankful for his bravery to trust others.

Sara had never stepped foot in a church before but it changed her life. She now runs a huge food bank from that church – in fact from the alter!

During a question and answer with her she was asked how do they cope with people who just want to take advantage of their generosity. Her answer was life changing for me. To be fair she was referencing Mother Teresa, but it is powerful stuff.

She simple said if their goal is to be generous, then the more people take, the more it gives them the opportunity to be generous. Momma T said something similar about love. "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." For me my goal is to love, so if that is hard, or hurts, or someone needs a lot of it, or takes advantage of it, then it gives me opportunities to do it more.

There are occasions in my life when I realise I see things very differently from those around me! Not that I am automatically right, and others wrong- just I am different. I wish this truth liberated me - but sadly at times it limits me! My desire to conform can be some what limiting!

One Saturday I was enjoying the peace of an empty house decorating away, when a large group of lads decided they were bored so would hang out in our street. After about 5 minutes I heard something smash! Only then did I pay any real attention to what they were doing to see several of my belongings in the road (along with some smashed gnomes from the garden- Hence the noise). The lads had obviously been in our yard and garage and had started throwing our stuff over the wall to entertain themselves. They had not throw anything of real value, we are talking wellies, recycling, garden toys, camping pots and pans! The brand new car stereo and bikes were untouched! These were just bored lads showing off, and I responded from my gut. I went to the back yard and chatted to them!

I found 2 lads in the garage and calmly asked them what they were doing. They were a bit rude and aggressive to me, and helped me widen my vocab, but it was really nothing worse than I had experienced as a youth worker - in fact the whole encounter just made me realise how much I missed my job as a youth worker - especially spending time with ‘naughty boys’ who speak and act before they think but normally are braving it out to hide how weak they feel! One of the reasons we got into fostering was to hopefully make a difference in the lives of lads like that.

Now here is when I realised I am a freak!!! I posted a status on Facebook about what had happened and how it made me miss youth work - and a lot of comments later I was in shock!!! Many people stood in defense of me, though commented that it is not what they would have done, but I also received comments, text messages, and calls that accused me of risking our children’s lives as I could of been stabbed then they would of moved in on the children, and that others may be harmed as I did not call the police and get them off the street. I was told my actions were pointless as they would not change those lads. I was told I should have shouted, I should of used violence, I should of hidden, I should of called the police- and that ‘as a woman and mother’ (but lets not get onto the gender issue now!) I should not have been so foolish. I was shocked with the response, one that people thought I had no wisdom to judge the safety of a situation, but two the sheer lack of love people seemed to have for others. My actions were not about changing those lads, they were about loving them. At the time I tried not to defend my actions, especially on Facebook, but after much provocation I replied by simply saying - my response may not change them, but it changes me. I choose to be calm and loving, because anything else means they win.

On reflection I have learnt three things. 1. Loving people is a tough choice 2. I am different 3. Be careful what you write on Facebook!!!!!

One accusation was that of how as Ivy’s mother could I have been so stupid as to risk my safety! As Ivy’s mother I guess my view point is completely reversed! I would genuinely rather Ivy knew something happened to me because I was being loving to someone, than she knew I had gone out and shouted at, hurt, or responded disproportionately in hatred towards someone. I want to model to her loving first - despite the cost. So My aim, my bravery is to remain foolishly loving, believing the best in people. This means I am going to have to get used to seeing things differently sometimes - I just hope I am brave enough to accept that I am a freak (and at times a misguided one!!!) because I want to choose love and set my daughter an example worth following.

So for me my bravery is to choose love. To love myself, and then in response love others. My bravery is letting my heart be broken, my courage is setting myself up for rejections, hurt and goodbyes. Being brave does not mean it isn't hard, but means I believe the effort is worth it.

So I am looking for brave Women to join Project Ivy, Women who believe they are mighty and want to do something with that power! Women who want to reject the lies they have told themselves and live in freedom. It will look different for all of us – and that is ok. In fact that is brilliant.

I agree with Emile Sandi's amazing song 'read all about it'. I believe we all have the words to change a nation but have been biting our tongues, so I want to stop hiding. I want to be as brave as a lion and let my light fight shadows away. I am a little different – I no longer want to be ashamed.

For me being brave is not about speaking in front of an audience, but believing I have something worth saying. Can you believe that too?

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