Not So Little Lies
First night in awhile that I’ve had to myself, and so my brain feels like it is on overdrive. No distractions, just noise. And so the topic I ponder is the inner workings of my brain. Generally speaking I like to say that I am honest. In fact, I have been accused of being too honest or painfully blunt. But few see the reality, and it is something I don’t always like to admit to myself. I am just as bad of a liar as those conpulsed to spin whatever toxic or alluring lies as truth. I am just as bad as those who mask the manipulations for entertainment. But I do this not for others, but like them, for my own gratification.Truth is ugly and has this nasty way of cutting deep. It is easier to lie, to create a false perception of what is then deal with the underlining facts.
I admit that I create lies and spin them but I inflict this harm on myself. I let my anxieties take the best of me. If someone is to ask me if I am ok after I’ve spent hours from crying, I smile and say I’m fine. If someone is to make a joke at my expense but tugs at my deep insecurities, I laugh with them and say it was clever. If someone is to reject me and say I am not pretty enough, or sub enough, or I am too boring or needy, I nod and say I understand. But all of these things I don’t understand, And all these little white lies I tell myself maybe are doing more damage.
I ran across this prompt asking about what one might hide from their Dom/me, and I stopped to think what those implications really mean. The natural course is that there needs to be no walls behind such a dynamic, that no words are too much, that no feelings are wrong. I will admit that perhaps this is one thing that initially sucked me in. You mean I could find a Dom that would listen, cherish and protect me? Through the ups, the downs, the amazing highs, I would have someone to stand by me? I would be able to have someone run his hands upon my face and pull my gaze into his, and say you are mine , ALL of you.
This to me was a myth but it was one I wanted to believe, and still want to (despite the little lie of me saying no I don’t, I don’t need it.)Yet in this dynamic so far all I have found is heartache and betrayal and saddness. Ive found the fakes and the cheats that just wanted a quick fix. I’ve found the extreme bastards that find fun in the game of making a woman theirs with deceit. I have found more people who wish to see me raw and exposed in my submission to deny it or toy with it, than to see it and appreciate how much of me it took to do that.
So when I think of what I would hide from my Dom, it may be the same thing I hide from myself. Those voices that spin my sub brain in a frantic frenzy, those moments that I am afraid I could show too much emotion or be too much of a bother. Those needy moments that chip away at me, that crave his attentions and his calming voice to silence me. I dare not shows those to him. I dare not lose him because why would anyone want a mess of a sub like myself? Why would any Dom want me, when he could have the beautiful goddess that wears makeup to perfection paired with the seductive heels, lingerie and dress or skirt combo? The sub that does not faulter or have moments of such repulsive weakness? I tell myself that no one will see me as worth it. Those secret parts of me that I hide away from myself, those are the ones I would defensively hide from my Dom. But when I think about it with gross honesty, those are the real parts that I wish someone would see and tell me they are just as beautiful as the rest of it.
“You are a master of your unspoken words, but a slave to the words you have spoken” -Winston Churchill
Writing Prompt #239 by @sccwriting
