Oh, my poor strong Miranda Barlow. At the top of my THIS WOMAN DESERVED SO MUCH BETTER. SO GOD DAMN MUCH BETTER.
Miranda oftens wonders if she was born angry. It has become such a visceral part of her, this rage, that she has trouble believing her own memories of happy times and moments. Did she truly laugh with joy when she first learned to ride a horse and felt the wind through her hair? Was it true pleasure she’d felt whilst reading or watching a sunset or being made love to?
Or were they all just phantoms? Cruel acts of her mind that all along hid her true self? Her enraged and inflamed self. Her thirst for justice and blood awaken her at night and fill her veins and she simmers.
However, she learned very early on that living things, such as plants and vegetables, do not respond well to anger and quick, sharp movements. They require a steady hand, a hand that coaxes and cares. So Miranda checks her anger at the gate to her garden. Hanging it on the fence as though it were a cloak, and then she tends her potatoes and carrots and whatever else she can grow on her tiny plot.
When she’s done, and her soul is full and calm, she dons her anger once more and sets her mind to what must be done.
WRITE SOMETHING ABOUT SPOBY AT PROM AND ILL MARRY YOU
i did already but because im actual garbage im going to write out the “i wrote it about you” scene ::))
“Did you write it about your friends?” he asks, her speech still eating at his mind. She thinks that no one will ever hear it, but he wants to hear it. He cares about her words, her thoughts, her mind. Even if no one else in the world will listen, he will. He wants to.
“I wrote it about what it means to support someone unconditionally,” she starts, not looking directly at him, her mocha eyes only skimming over his momentarily. He tries, with his best of ability, to keep eye contact, but they’re dancing and moving, and for whatever reason Spencer won’t engage. “Even when they haven’t been entirely honest with you.”
He thinks about them, for a moment, just a fleeting second, of everything they’ve been through. They’ve lied about more things than he can count, and have kept a multitude of secrets from each other, but even then, it didn’t matter. He remembers when she broke up with him, because Mona sent her a doll saying, “keep Toby safe.” She couldn’t tell him anything. The break up was ambiguous and confusing as they go. She was keeping secrets, but he didn’t care.
He remembers rushing to the police station– against his father’s wishes of course– when he found out she was arrested. She broke up with him earlier that day, but it didn’t matter to him. He knew, even without knowing everything, there was more to the breakup. He shouted, “I don’t care about what you can’t tell me! I care about you! I love you!” and he meant it, he really, truly did. He still does. He understands Spencer’s lack of honesty. He understands her. Whether it be they are the same, or if he is just so well acquainted with her, he knows her secrets come from the heart. She keeps secrets because she thinks that is what is best. So he forgives her, without even her saying sorry, he forgives her.
“And how everybody needs someone to be inspired by,” she breathes out heavily, sighing onto his shoulder. Her eyes still fail to meet his, but his ears are all hers.
He agrees with this statement. He knows its true. Everyone needs someone who will inspire them to be a better person–who will change them for the better, not because they don’t like who they are, but because there is better in that person.
He thinks of Spencer and her genius and strength and determination, and she is someone to be inspired by. She, and her friends, are all people girls should look up to. People should know their story, their triumphs and losses, so it can inspire people. Spencer has somehow came out a better person than she was before all this mess, and that baffles him. Not all people are like that. Sometimes darkness consumes a person, and sometimes it makes them fuller of light.
“Someone who sets the bar really high,” she declares after a moment.
He thinks of her parents, whose expectations for her have always been sky high. They have always wished for her to succeed, for her to achieve great things.
Then he realizes, that’s not what she means. She means this person, whoever it is about, probably her mother if not her friends, sets the bar high just by being that person. They aren’t setting the bar for her. They are the bar. It’s part of the reason they are to be inspired by.
A couple beats pass before she speaks again.
“Somebody who’ll put someone elses needs before their own, and not resent them for it.”
This brings him to when he was trying to find out about his mother via A’s trails and hints. He was being so unreasonable and stupid, and Spencer tired so many times to stop him, to convince him he was going down the wrong path. He tried breaking into Palmer’s car for Godsake! But she forgave him for all of that, she didn’t resent him, and she helped him through it. She kept things from her friends because of him. He put her through so much, and she still was there for him. She went to Radley, after he sent her there, to help him. She always forgave him, and never resented him for his actions. She never hated him, even at times where she should have.
“Someone who always expects you to do the right thing, then forgives you when you don’t.”
He knows this has happened between them before. On both sides. They see so much in each other, but also know each other’s flaws. They have fought and forgave more times than he can count. Their forgiveness goes without saying. They have made it through so much because of forgiveness. And even after all their fallouts and mistakes, they still see each other as wonderful, amazing people. At least that’s how he sees her. He knows she has made mistakes, but he also knows that she is a much better person than her flaws. She isn’t perfect, but she is always worthy of forgiveness.
When Spencer does something wrong, she beats herself up about it, not letting it go, and he hates that. She is filled with too much self-loathing. She can never forgive herself, but he hopes, one day, she will be able to. She will be able to be okay with not being perfect, will realize that everyone makes mistakes and does bad things. She is not alone in that. She is not the only person in the world who has ever messed up before. She is so much more than her fuck ups. She is so much more than who she sees herself as.
She isn’t saying anything, which prompts him to think she is done talking. He thinks over her speech for a moment, everything she’s said coursing through his ear drums and brain waves.
He honestly thought her speech would be about her friends. The four girls are sisters, for life. He knows that they will constantly be bounded by what happened these last to years of their adolescent lives. It would have made sense if she wrote about them, but she didn’t.
“Well,” he begins, unsure where he is really going with it. He decides that it’s about her mother, even though there is a slight, very small gut feeling he has that the speech is not about her mother at all, but him. “I think your mother would be pretty moved by that,” he finally looks at her, giving her a supporting twinkle of the eye and smile.
“Yeah, she might be,” Spencer murmurs, her voice soft and angelic, her mocha orbs finally connecting with his crystal blues. “But I wrote it about you,” she declares quietly, but surely.
His heart stops a little. A smile of awe and speechlessness slowly folds out on his lips. He looks ather like she is the world and the vulnerability in her features tells him that she meant every single word. He can say nothing to express his gratitude and honor, so he kisses her instead.
Two years ago, as a sophomore at this stupid school, he never saw himself going to prom. He didn’t go to his prom. He got his GED before the end of his senior year. He always saw prom as some lame, artificial night. He never believed in the ‘magic’ of it.
But here with Spencer, he knows it’s magical. He knows what they have is magical.
The theme is fairy tales, and he is determined on getting his happily ever after with Spencer.
