i cant start writing this until im done with the big wip i wont allow myself but.
isat au where after a late-game loop involving all the friend quests, All Of The Others start looping. siffrin dies late in the house, and they all remember it, but they Don't Initially Realize that siffrin has been looping. they think this is just as new for siffrin as it is for them, and that siffrin is only so scared and disoriented and confused because this began when they died, of course they're gonna be out of it.
siffrin using that death as an excuse over and over again in the next few loops. they've already died- they don't want any of the others to feel or experience that, they don't want anyone but themselves to get hurt. when they throw themselves in front of sadnesses or the king, the time they shout for someone to cover bonnie's eyes and then, hands shaking, scared but so determined, carve through their own throat.
the others are in so much more danger, now. and they'll remember what happens. they don't care about the script, they wander they explore they endanger themselves and siffrin can't tell them he knows, he can't, they just. have to try and protect everyone. have to try so, so hard to keep being the only one who remembers how it feels to die.
shaking as they kill themselves. not afraid of the pain, or dying, but petrified of the other's reactions. trying so hard to downplay their strength, to act Normal. or at least, as normal as they're supposed to be at the Beginning of a time loop. as normal as they're supposed to be after killing themselves to save one of their family members. saying they only really guessed that doing that would work to loop back. voice small, shaking, saying that they're really glad it did.
siffrin is not the best actor. too many things begin to add up. sif never, ever leaves any of them alone while they're in the house, but sometimes in dormont they find excuses to meet up and talk about things without him there. at first it's worry for how much they're hurting themselves, then concern for how easily, and then.
in hindsight siffrin wasn't necessarily suspicious, that very first loop, but certain things felt virtually effortless. like a slight attempt to make it seem natural was made solely so they wouldn't question it in the moment, but siffrin didn't realize there were any stakes. didn't know that anyone else would remember long enough to matter. and something is so, so clearly wrong.
odile one night at the clocktower finally, finally asking siffrin: how long? siffrin, caught completely off-guard, how long what? odile, not hesitating, how long have you been looping? the party probably hasn't even reached double digits. siffrin blinks. odile waits. and then, siffrin bolts.
the frantic search to find them. them looping back various degrees at random times, sometimes to the beginning and sometimes not, siffrin nowhere in sight for so, so long. it's terrifying. haunting. how long was siffrin alone? how long did they experience this for? they're family, they're supposed to be family, but they can't track siffrin down. all of the others together, terrified, borderline inconsolable, when odile raises a blade to her own throat, threatens to nothing and no one that she'll die. she'll die, and she'll come back. she'll know how it feels.
the way siffrin lashes out when they do finally show themselves, then. their fear their terror their frantic, desperate need to make sure nobody gets hurt but themselves. an argument that spirals and spirals until siffrin breaks: i'm tired. i'm tired. and they really do look exhausted. voice hoarse, pathetic, miserable, can we talk about this more tomorrow? please?
the others letting up. siffrin all but collapsing into bed, "falling asleep" almost immediately. they really are exhausted. how long has it been? the others talking for a while, no real important thoughts, no conclusions reached. falling into uneasy sleep.
waking with the sun. siffrin and the orbs are gone.
siffrin who has been consistently losing their fucking mind because they have to sneak away, now, even just to talk to loop, which is coincidentally when their family talks about them. because suddenly every single little thing they say and do matters, they don't remember what they are and aren't supposed to know right now and every time they slip up and forget or remember something they shouldn't, the others will see. they need, need, need to act natural but they don't know how.
feeling absolutely fucking disgusted every time someone tries to comfort them over their deaths because stars they do not deserve it, don't deserve the love the others feel for them solely because siffrin has been here long enough that they successfully not only manipulated everyone into liking them but also trapped them with him.
he didn't want to be alone. they don't. but they can not let any of the others shoulder this. they have to find a solution. they have to figure out what they can do they cannot let the others be hurt they can't they can't they can't. siffrin can be crushed or snapped or frozen or butchered, can be slaughtered in every way even by their own hands but they cannot let their family do the same. no matter what.
