#ptsd relapse

[bluetypes]

My grandmother has started with the manipulation again

I do not know what I can do about it.

I cannot control my response to it, because it directly correlates to being controlled by my mother.

I don't believe ever it is a language barrier. A terrible justification for abuse has to be playing dumb. She told me 'forget it' your abuser totally took care of you 'once'.

Your parents should not put you in harm's way even once.

You should not feel forced, trapped, controlled or believe your whole life is a conspiracy. Or doubt and question whether your mother did give birth to you.

It is not okay to objectify anyone until the point they feel they cannot speak.

It is not okay to keep pushing boundaries to 'wear them down'

If someone decides something is unhealthy for them respect their decisions. Please.

[bluetypes]

Runaway

Living through this black haze

Chores pile up

I hear them

Laughing at my incapacity

I focus in

Less these days

I feel so alone

Since my home became my prison once more

Since my visible scars are no longer innocent

I want to cry for eternities

How could it be?

You'd expect me to live

Depraved of freedom

Ripping my skin away everyday

Just so

I'd do the right thing

How can it be?

You expected me

To live in abuse, terror, madness, panic, fear

I wonder if you've ever felt anything at all.

I wonder how you came to terms with my decision

If it was so unacceptable,

Where were you?

You realise don't you,

You weren't there

You only made promises you couldn't keep

So brother tell me again

I shouldn't of runaway from home,

Even if I began ripping myself apart..

Even if years later going back

Caused me to have a misadventure

Even I never recovered from..

[bluetypes]

Pretty sure my will to live just went below zero. I can't afford to relapse again. The hourglass has run out, and I must again, put that bright face on..

[stomp-stigma]

I'm very overwhelmed because my ptsd is getting really bad and making my mood swings a mess and all I can think about is bs that happened 2 years ago? Why can't I just forget what happened and let it go? It's like a cloud that is constantly hanging over me and I never know when it's going to pour down. I'm trying to be positive but I can barely even ask for support right now because I can't admit that it's been this long and I was wrong about my ptsd being gone. School has become terrifying and I'm tense all day.

[estrellaesperanza-blog]

Not-allowed "Rude"Boundaries: Apparently, finally being able to say “No I’m busy” to avoid dinner with my parents now boosted me to a *new* level of guilt-trip: them assuming and telling my sibling that I finally have an interview for a “proper job” (AKA my current retail job isn’t good enough, even though I recently had a PTSD relapse when starting a horrible job in my career field). Also, saying ‘no’ to seeing them twice in one week makes them feel bad: even though I feel bad when I’m around them, because they act like they’re ready to leave. Ughhhh!