Fic title: lesson 47: do not try to hug a cactus
“Does anyone want this?” said Lily, walking into the Gryffindor common room with a small, potted cactus in her hand. “I went a bit overboard practising for Transfiguration and I’ve got too many.”
“I’ll take it!” cried James Potter, playing it cool. “I’ve always wanted a… spiky plant thing.”
“It’s called a cactus, Potter,” said Lily. “Though for the life of me, I can’t figure out why anyone, even a witch, would ever feel the need to transfigure a mouse into one of these. I mean, why are we even taught–”
“Sssh,” said Remus Lupin calmly. “Don’t break the fourth wall.”
With a shrug, Lily handed the cactus to James with a warning to keep his fingers away from the spikes, and returned to her dormitory to practice more spells that would have no practical use in everyday life - which, actually, is a rather brilliant reflection of many educational practices that are still commonly used today. Who cares if you don’t know how taxes work when you can make a potato battery, amirite?!
“This is the greatest day of my life,” said James, holding the cactus aloft. “Lily Evans gave me a gift–”
“Technically, it wasn’t a gift,” said Sirius.
“This gift!” said James, ignoring him. A shaft of light broke through a nearby window and illuminated the cactus in a golden haze. “I shall dub thee Benjamin.”
“I’ll cherish you forever, Benjy,” said James, and drew the cactus close to his face. “Forever and ever and–”
“James,” said Remus urgently. “Don’t do–”
“No!” Sirius seconded. “Don’t hug the–”
And that’s how James ended up in the hospital wing.