On jealousy and why I think it's healthy to talk about it in polyamorous relationships and any and all relationships in general.
Over the years I've learned to see jealousy as an indicator of an unsatisfied need. May it be the wish to eat something that someone else is eating or sharing a moment/memory with someone that somebody else has.
In any and all relationships jealousy (expecially when not addressed) can create hurt, anger and resentment.
When Blue and Purple had their very intense fling about a year ago she kept asking me if I was jealous in any way. I reassured her time and time again, that I could address any jealousy that might pop up and asked her the same question. She told me that she wasn't allowed to feel any jealous since she was "in the second place" and could never have the same intimacy as Purple and me have.
At first I was at a loss of word. I couldn't belief what I was hearing.
Her comparing the start of a relationship with years of learning and growing together.
The two of them where just getting to know eachother as lovers, learning how to spend time together and communicate. Building trust and intimacy.
Purple and me had years to do this and build memories.
Time and time again I tried to make her realize that she was as much if not more allowed to feel jealous.
I had a feeling that she was jealous but didn't alow herself to be.
I tried talking o a meta-level about jealousy in general. Thinking that maybe intelectualizing the feeling might help but it didn't.
Now she keeps asking me if I'm jealous of the time that Orange and random sex dates gets to spend with Pink.
Yes, I wish I could spend more time with Pink. I miss them very much but I'm not jealouse.
I don't (want to) have the same connection that others have with Pink I'm not jealouse of the time they get to spend together.
The fact that Pink and Orange are only a 5 minute walk appart while there is a whole county between us doesn't make me jealouse. I could just as much be jealouse of Pinks flatmates for living with them.
They told me that they miss me as much (if not more) as I do them. Random texts on a daily basis and regular phone calls improve that a lot.
I've never asked Pink if they is jealouse of the time I spend with Purple. But I asked Blue what she thinks.
She said that Pink shouldn't feel jealouse because they knew what they was getting themselfe into.
I countered with the fact that Pink has been seeing Orange for months before they asked me to be their qpp.
But in her eyes, the facts that Pink and me have known eachother for years and that Pink has had crushes on me before and us haveing feelings for eachother for years/months already makes her see Orange "in second place".
I do feel jealouse of the cat because my size won't allow me to curl up in Purples lap the way she does. And he "pats" my back way to seldom.
