so I usually write something happy and inspirational because there really was a point in my life that I never thought this day could possibly exist and for that I am overcome with gratitude for my doctors, family, teachers, etc etc etc but right now I have something else to say.... Here's the thing: it's been 4 years since iv seized, 4 years since I last took pill containers to school, 4 years since my teachers had to sepreatly explain things to me slowly so that I understood what was going on, 4 years since I was banned from doing anything in which my two feet were not on the ground, 8 years since I started missing entire moments in my life but 4 since I stopped in the last four years i retaught myself how to ride a bike, i relearned how to swim, I tried to gain back my coordination and balance...(didn't really go so well but it is getting there...), i regained my sense of self, my independence, these last 4 years really have been an amazing learning experience for me. and yet there are still things holding me back...it's been 4 years but every time a shampoo bottle falls while I am showering my parents come running to make sure I'm ok, it's been 4 years but on Friday when my grade went to an arcade I was _so_ jittery because there were lights flashing at every turn and I just couldn't deal with it, its been 4 years and I still can't ice skate or rollar blade or rock climb without falling over, it's been four years and I barely have any hand eye coordination and therefore have an insanely difficult time taking notes in class, it's been 4 years and yet I am reminded of the fact that I had to quote my doctor "the worst case [of epilepsy] [he] had ever seen" _every single day_ my life has changed for the better dramatically in the last 4 years my team of doctors are so confident that there is close to 0 chance of my ever seizing again that they are letting my study in a foreign country 6000 miles away next year. but it's important to keep in mind that that whether or not you yourself consider them traumatic (at the time I certainly did not) trama leaves remnants. it took me a really long time to realize that that was ok, it's ok to be afraid or frustrated because it will get better. it's ok to be mad and angry because that too will get better. It's ok to be whatever U are (so long as you are not harming anyone including yourself) because life does get better.