#purplebeebs

[minniepetals]

Ahhhhhhh this is long long overdue but you know when you want to cherish and savour something so you hold onto it? That is ALWAYS me whenever I see a chapter update and CMAR is the ANGSTIEST angst that continues to rip me apart more and more with every chapter, every word, every painstaking moment when the guys STILL DON'T KNOW. And only now...NOW Namjoon's realised that for over a DECADE everything they thought they knew, everything they assumed, every thing he and the rest of them inadverently caused by sending her BACK to the monster who abused and broke her....they don't even KNOW yet and I can FEEL the tension, my heart's thrumming MAD with the anticipation because as broken and bruised as CMAR makes me... I willingly surrender my heart to all the damage all over again. I can't wait to see how it'll pan out (and I know your writing is on pause which makes the wait all the more achingly ANGSTY and I'll wait forever for your art so 😖😖🤧 no rush EVER I hope you always know that despite everything because people who cherish your art and your writing and just YOU are such an amazing person...then they'll wait!)

And reading this chapter...like EVERY chapter makes my heart crumble but like I said I've entrusted the broken shards of my heart to you to do with as you will.

Reading this particular chapter and the aching scene with Mister Butler and her 🥺🥺 gave the title of this story a whole new meaning for me. Because Mister Butler would've ALLOWED her to cry a river's worth of grief and tears, held her through it and told her he loved her on the other end of it. Every chapter builds such emotional raw DEPTH but it really and truly struck me so deeply that he could've said those words to her.

"Cry me a river young miss. I'll love you anyways" something like that and just KNOWING him... how much he ached to protect her, how much he loved her... It just really and truly hit HARD 😭😭😭

Thank you so so much for writing and sharing and for always gifting us with your talent. I hope your comission works go well🥺💜 and always known we'll wait...I will wait FOREVER for this story and your writing.

Hope you're having a warm winter 🥺💜

bub!!! 😭😭😭😭 i always love it when you go in depth and tell me all the things you're thinking of when reading cmar bruh it gives me serotonin.

our y/n is struggling so hard. her chanting those false words of being mister butler's killer not only made namjoon go crazy but it made her go mad as well because for the longest time, her father gaslighted her into believing she was the killer and her saying those words to namjoon was like giving herself the punishment of not being able to save him because she regrets so much of what happened and she does feel guilty for being that person that held him back and made a little brother lose a big brother (because y/n knows to some extent of namjoon's own pain since he shared that part of himself with her in the past). it's honestly just really heart wrenching and i just want her to get closure already but that won't happen anytime soon 😭

also like i need some recs on some good groveling because i need the boys to GROVEL after abandoning y/n like that i literally searched up how to write good groveling but google stinks i need actual examples in books lmao.

cmar's on hold but my plans for it...next chapter's already made me cry

[minniepetals]

I MISSED I missed screaming and crying in your inbox. I missed ranting and sharing every bit that made me cry, that made me ache, that made my heart break and feel broken and bruised and somehow still hoping, still wishing for it to eventually heal. But now that I have entrusted my heart to you I will leave it to you to decide how to heal it, how to nurture it and how to protect it.

I remember when CMAR was in its baby stages... when it was new... I remember the snippet teaser and I remember how much I was thrilled with the thought of my heartbreaking if that makes sense...? In a roundabout angsty kinda way... because you are one of the most PHENOMENAL writers out there and every single fic of yours has made my heart feel overwhelmingly full to the point where every feeling STRIKES STRONG.

And I think what really hits hard about this particular universe, this era is that this MC is someone who I've SEEN break. I've seen her story start with what seemed like eternal happiness, what seemed like the same hope and optimism she'd felt but not truly LET herself feel regardless... something that even its seeming permanence she let herself only fleetingly indulge in for safety and security and love. And seeing her...BEING with her break, crumble fall and find a reason to keep living... to live even if only for revenge. To see her piece herself together AND be with the cracks hidden to some and not to the others... to know and hide and protect her pain because this story ENTRUSTS us with it... its been a beautifully haunting, achingly angsty and heartwrenching story that I will forever love, adore and cherish.

It's a forever era. And one I am honoured and proud to be a part of.

And know that EVERY SINGLE TIME I come back to read this masterpiece... that I'll be screaming and crying in your inbox once again.

Thank you for sharing this story🥺 and for creating it too🥺

bub oml stooopp you're gonna make me cry 😭

our y/n here is probably the most complicated and the most built-up character i've ever made and it honestly makes me so proud how many people have come to love her character. i'm a little bit worried about getting to the healing arc of the story because ah, it's gonna hurt still but hurt in a better way, in a healing way, and i just hope i can write it as realistically but as beautiful and as ugly as it can get because our babie deserves all the happiness but we know that before we get to that, there's gonna be a lot of steps to reach first

[minniepetals]

I haven't gotten to send messages after every CMAR chapter...haven't gotten to tell you that this story tears my heart out more and more with each update, trampels and crushes and breaks it further beyond repair...and yet I'm so in love with this story that every single ache and pain is worth it. I don't think there's been a chapter yet where I HAVEN'T cried myself to sleep after reading. I always read in bed, I always cry myself to sleep with how HARD the angst hits...it keeps building and building and every flashback, every bit of insight..every bit of this story BREAKS me in a way that only your talent and this story's world can do. I mean this in the best of ways though😭 cos tear and trample and break my heart beyond salvation but the ANGST... THE ANGST is the type that MAKES you cry and scream and be FURIOUS AND HURT AND BROKEN and just...GAH

Everytime I read I wake up to swollen SORE eyes but I love this fic so much that I know when its over I'll come back multiple times to read it and to willingly surrender my heart all over again for it to be broken. I entrust it to you and your talent. And THANK YOU for your writing, for the heart and soul you pour into this story and all the others.

I remember CMAR when it was NEW, been here since the beginning of MC's story... so it feels like alongside her I hurt and I'm in pain and AGONY and when her happy ending comes... I know it'll be cathartic and healing and RAW in the way that slow growth always is

And I'm here for every step and beyond it in loving and supporting and rooting you and this story on.

Thank you🥺 for breaking my heart...its in your hands to do with as you will

hello bub! i miss seeing you in my inbox screaming about cmar and giving me lengthy paragraphs haha. first of all i hope you've been doing well and i hope you've been drinking and eating well 💗

as for cmar 🫠 we'll only continue diving more into the deep end of the water but i got really happy when you said that you'll entrust me with your heart, that you'll allow me to break it and trample it and tear it because you trust me all the way through. i have almost everything planned out though there are definitely a few things in the progress of planning but hopefully i can become more confident about my decisions.

cmar was supposed to be around just 5 chapters when i first started out but then the problem with the tumblr limited text block came through and i guess it became a blessing because without that, i probably would not have thought of making this whole y/n "villain" arc and made it so complicated lmao. and then after i started planning it all out, i thought it'd be 15-20 chapters but right now we're probably gonna get to 30 lmao

when this all comes to an end, i will forever remember this lovely era haha 🥰🌸💗

[minniepetals]

The pain... the ACTUAL agony I felt cutting my heart reading Cry Me A River— you’ve always had a way with words (and trust me I’ve read your entire works 🤧) but so much PAIN and agony at seeing a marriage and several relationships fall apart because the boys weren’t LISTENING. Because they weren’t giving her a chance, weren’t hearing her out and made her feel unfamiliar and isolated in her own home. The very love that built the bonds between them now thrown back in her face and it was just so RAW! And HOBII!! Poor Hobi didn’t even know 🥺 but it wasn’t about TRUST or love Hobi— not when she didn’t want what she still shared with him (cut off from active involvement from the mafia atm) to end and come crashing down. She needed that father and normalcy but she reached her breaking point— rather the boys pushed her there and she’s shattered. There’s only so much a person can take. I wonder whether her leg injury and the man who approached her are connected 🥺 and I can’t wait to see Hobi SMACK sense into them— even if they have a WORLD’s worth of atoning to do IF they’re even gonna be forgiven in this. It was very angsty I’m very much a sucker and now my heart hurts 😫😭🤧

asdfghjkl you described it so well!! i'm so proud of this omg, THANK YOU!!! y/n tried so hard to hold on, trying to mend the relationship before it could get worst but in the end, she ended up succumbing to it all, which i don't blame her. honestly, cutting ties with them was quite brave and strong of her because she's always relied on their love and support. so what happens when that's gone and she can't rely on it anymore? i think if she were to stay, things would have gotten worse for her when the six clearly do not deserve her kindness and patience. i mean, imagine the love of your life calling you useless and then your other lovers doesn't try to help you through it all. she was scared. and when i wrote her last sentence being "i'm tired," it honestly sums up everything and hoseok noticed that.

poor hoseok couldn't help pull her back up but like you said, it isn't about trust or love. she was just so afraid and it was the others' fault for driving her to that point.

thanks again for sharing your thoughts, i appreciate this so much 🥺💓💞

[minniepetals]

Oh my gosh I was terrified that this was the end of the fic and I sobbed more cos NO IT CAN'T END LIKE THIS FOR HER... and I kid you not the past hour I sobbed more thinking this is the end. This is it. They never know and she is stuck in the hell of living with her father... but oh my gosh.... BLESS YOU for not doing that 😭😭

Can I please just have a hug now? 🥺

yes!! hehe, there's no way i'm creating a story with a sad ending and not putting that in the warnings because i know i myself would hate reading something heartbreaking and having hope of a good ending but it ends up sad. so yep, no worries, you'll get your good ending 💕

[minniepetals]

I.... she ends up going back to her father?!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 my heart HURTS more now knowing that...

It was an entirely different knowledge in that first part where she leaves cos its too much but not to the FATHER... not with how much abuse and pain he put her through...

The chapter was so painfully bittersweet and hurt on an entirely new level because we saw them fall in love 😭 and its all gone now. It's all fallen apart because they let her hurt, they made her feel everything her parents used to, they threw her love in her face...

Jin's words about loving someone giving it their all.. I feel that remained with her because it WAS love that made her keep trying over and over... her respect for herself and her sense of worth was all sacrificed and thrown away for them... she pushed through and gave up all of herself because that's what love is and she gave her everything to it.

Yoongi's part about her trauma reminded me of something I read that when a child doesn't overcome trauma it's because they were healing alone... they didn't have anyone to help them and it spoke VOLUMES for her... she never overcome the trauma and hurts so much is because its always driven back in...

You know what hurts most? That this is the end. This is how it ends... with them never knowing what sort of person her dad is and what person they let go... they never reach out to BEG for forgiveness for...

This introspective kind of look BACK makes me realise at the end of it she's grown to realise and regressed to her initial mindset. Love is a weakness, love demands and takes all of you and she's left as a shell.

Back with her father

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I can feel my eyes ACHE with how much I've cried and I... this hurts so much to read or to have read all together but that's your power... I don't think my heart will ever heal

they forced her to go back. like remember that moment when namjoon asked her if she wanted to return after the two bodyguards died protecting her and she just panicked right then and there? and now he's forced her to make a decision between suffering and hurting by them or suffering and hurting by her father and it was sooo not fair of them to do that to her. there's still more parts coming up and everything will be revealed in the end but the boys most definitely need a slap in the face

[minniepetals]

So first of all... I decided to reread the first part because WHY NOT CRY HARDER if I need to sob into my duvet?

And forget cry me a river.... I'LL CRY YOU AN OCEAN cos my heart just ache...refreshing my mind and remembering and reliving her struggles of TRYING AND TRYING to the last step, to the moment where she couldn't say no... WEEPED. I WEEPED. I'M STILL WEEPING.

Because in every way she could she was there for them, in every way she was there when they were never there for her so to read Hobi's anger and grief and rage made me cry because it was DESERVED AND WARRANTED and how dare they. How dare they... and when Hobi could only remember her saying she was TIRED... she was done... I wanted to tear them down so bad. Because that's the million dollar question he asked... how much did you ignore her, hurt her till she couldn't take anymore...

AND MR BUTLER 😭😭😭😭😭😭 WHEN SHE SAID LET'S BOTH FIND HAPPINESS... I was waiting to find out HOW but he gets killed by her dad as a horrific, brutal example of love being a weakness.... reminds me of a saying I read in a book once. "To love is to destroy, to be loved is to be destroyed" and what HORRIFIC parents she had. She experienced trauma and abuse and neglect and GASLIGHTING... SO MUCH OF IT!! SHE WAS ALWAYS LEAD TO BELIEVE THAT SHE WAS WEAK... SHE WAS THE REASON OF PAIN AND DEATH AND SHE WAS NEVER GOOD ENOUGH... so not only does that carry on when she marries cos naturally its become her way of thought but also it makes her so much hesitant and withdrawn.... she's so DESPERATE to do well, to be useful cos she's never been told she is... she's always been hated and seen as worthless that she READILY compromises for her marriage.

She knows nothing except being a pawn.

So so MUCH of it reveals how the boys mistreatment in the first chapter is THAT much worse because...

1) they thought she came from a loving home where she was sheltered... and I realised Joon and the others STILL believe it cos of the way he spoke to her in the first chapter... and she has been LIVING that lie and letting them remain unaware because she AGAIN is compromising and hiding so much pain that just 😭😭😭😭😭😭

2) you see her being there DID make a difference for the entirety of Bangtan... for their workers and crew and YET THREW IT BACK IN HER FACE AGAIN like nothing mattered...

3) that moment at the end where she freezes because bodyguard like Mister Butler died protecting her and it just constantly cements this belief for her that people die because of her

HONESTLY DEATH WAS TOO GOOD FOR HER LOWLIFE PARENTS 😤😤😤 AND WHEN JOON SAYS SHE WAS JUST PASSED ON AS A RESPONSIBILITY... WILL YOU EVER KNOW HOW MUCH SHE SUFFERED AND ENDURED??!

It was painfully ironic that they wanted to shelter her but she's seen AND EXPERIENCED WORSE

The flashbacks just gave so much insight that the first chapter tore at me that much deeper

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 beautiful work of making me sob and feel my heart shatter

omg i freaking LOVE your insight on this because HECK YEAH READER DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER!! all our poor girl wanted was love but was also grew to fear it because of what happened to the only person who cared for her. her father literally gaslighted her into believing anyone she cares for and love her in return, she'd bring misfortune to them and her dumb mother hated her because she wasn't born a son and made her bedridden but girl, how the heck is that y/n's fault in any way??

[minniepetals]

I haven't even READ it yet but I saw the warning to grab your tissues and I just *pause*... it might sound weird BUT I AM READY TO CRY AND FOR YOU TO TEAR MY HEART OPEN AND NOT JUST A PART 2 BUT 3 AS WELL?!! What did we do to deserve you?? 🥺

I'll be reading tonight in bed and be ready for my sobs later...

Thank you!! For writing and sharing your gift with us as always!!

part 2 and 3 were supposed to be one with 31k words combined but tumblr's a bish and won't allow that so i had to split it up into two parts. a lot of stress and crying went into last night knowing i had more to edit and fix haha 🤡

happy ready though! or not... 😏