#pursueink

[pursuitproject]

August 8, 2023

Man, I am so thankful.

Every little thing feels like it's a thick coat being draped over me after shivering from the cold.

I am thankful for my husband who continues to be brave for me. I am thankful for the small reminders of providence every step we had taken so far.

My brain doesn't get the memo sometimes, but my heart is of joy.

I wish I never forget this.

I probably will. But I will have this to remind me.

Tomorrow, we take a look at my stomach. Whatever we find, I'm still thankful.

[pursuitproject]

July 28, 2023

I don’t ever want to forget this feeling of thankfulness.

I keep thinking that this is probably how people felt when they talk about miracles, ‘cause, baby, I do feel like I’ve just experienced a miracle.

I hope my heart is not so dysfunctional that I can embrace this joy, this moment here and now.

This miracle tells me I am not alone.

This miracle tells me that even when I don’t know, there is a purpose and that is enough.

I’m high on gratitude. May this fuel me for as long as I live.

[pursuitproject]

July 25, 2023

I guess even when you’re trying to be brave, it is still OK to cry when something just hurts.

I’ve been crying on and off because the hurting just really hurts.

But I’m determined to fight on.

The pain just requires some tears to deal with it, that’s all.

At least, for one piece of good news, I discovered egg is not a dairy and I can still eat it. That’s a beacon of hope right there.

[pursuitproject]

July 19, 2023

Joyful today, despite fears and anxieties, because despite my unworthiness, I was still granted a place for refuge.

Just like the prophet/king declared:

You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance.

Psalm 32

My physical misery, I let affect my spirit. But a simple lament to My King, I was given remembrance. I truly am a man of little memory and so I’m still praying for conquering. Today, I am thankful to have been conquered.

PS. Antibiotics, baby.

[pursuitproject]

July 13, 2023

Long live the nights like this.

A few months ago, a couple whose love story I’ve looked up to and been inspired by broke up. For a while there, I kept thinking about how all these love songs are just lies.

“How can a love that burned brighter than the Sun one moment bring an eternal winter the next?” Is the exact question I asked my husband.

I had to ask, because what happened was something that I just couldn’t understand. And my husband, the ever pragmatic one, said, “It happens.”

So I asked, “What about us?”

I didn’t get an answer from him at that moment, but I wasn’t really looking for one, I was just testy. We both knew human hearts are fickle and we both knew that the Sun will only die for our love if we give up fighting for the light.

Tonight, I am scared and worried for a medical test and worried that whatever we find is going to change so many things in a way that cannot be good. And my husband asks me if I was worried. So I choose to be honest and say yes.

He is quiet for a moment and then he says, “I will not leave you.”

At least for tonight, I know that the Sun is still bright and some love songs start to sound like honesty again.

Long live the nights like this.

[pursuitproject]

July 6, 2023

TW/CW: EATING DISORDER

These past few days have truly underscored the importance of taking care of my health.

I have a notoriously bad relationship with food, but not to the extent that I have had an eating disorder. I just never been one to go for the nutritious choices like vegetables and the likes and my go-to are canned goods, instant noodles and fast food.

But getting to experience a health scare at a time when you are in-between jobs is super scary. It wasn’t the pain that I was scared of, or the medication, or any procedure, it was the expenses.

Can I pay for medicine? Can I pay for any procedure? Et cetera, et cetera.

I’ll start trying to get to eat healthier is the only resolution I can have because of this experience. Admittedly, it’s also quite pricey to try to eat healthier, but I guess compared to the price of getting sick, that’s a better choice.

Am I still scared? Yeah, shitless. But wanting to fight is making me feel brave, at least right now.

[pursuitproject]

June 28, 2023

I’ve been cramming so much job hunting and studying all at the same time lately that my sleep time has been pushed a whole hour back and I’m tired all the time.

On one hand, I feel an existential dread coming. On another hand, I feel remorse for my past self for not doing enough to improve herself for the sake of the present me (how unreasonable lol). On my (imaginary) third hand, I feel a little bit excited about the prospect of improving and getting to try something new, something out of my comfort zone and out of my low self-esteem funk.

Tomorrow is bright, even though there are a lot of uncertainties.

(For tonight, let me read a bit of Kono Oto Tomare before conking out).

[pursuitproject]

One thing you should never do is mistake broken for weak.

Stay, A.L. Jackson