What am I supposed to be doing with this time?
This has been a long time coming, but sitting down to gather my thoughts has somehow been an extremely daunting task for me. Almost as if putting them on paper makes them more real and permanent…even though nothing is. This new world might feel so permanent but I know its not…I mean I hope its not…it can’t be right? There will be a new normal that we will all face and begin to accept but it’s still so heartbreaking to not be able to just go outside take a big breath of fresh air and feel like it won’t come back and make me regret it 2 weeks later.
For those of you like me who have small children, I believe we are living in a rose-colored magical nightmare. We don’t know how to feel! *Hint* We just need to feel it all! We are happy to be healthy (if and when we are) we are grateful to be with our children and be able to really BE with them more than we ever dreamed or probably ever wanted haha…but really! We are sad that they can’t attend school in the traditional sense, that they can’t play in the playground or with friends or go on trips. We want to do it all, but now must find a way to do so in the confines of our apartments and homes. We see the weather getting warmer and instantly our minds start creating a to-do list of activities to tactile, places to visit, play dates to schedule, events to attend, and then wait, no scratch that, scratch all of that; summer is canceled. Canceled in the way we planned on, expected to and wanted to spend it. If this pandemic has taught me anything though is that nothing nothing NOTHING is promised to us! We get to seize the day, do the thing, speak your truth, make the move, push the button, scratch the itch… because tomorrow just might not make it on the calendar.
The uncertainty is real, we are all feeling it, we are all unified by it… in case that brings anybody some repose. As humans we get accustomed to a certain way we live, a particular pattern we follow and the usual mundane things we expect. Well, all of that has been ripped out by the roots right now. The things we would do like met up with family or friends, go out to shows, get massages, go out for dinner, who would have imagined such things would not be at our fingertips any longer. I believe it will take a while until we can do these things again without restrictions or thoughts of fear. We will heal from this, as will our children, but it will take time and patience, yet most of us don’t have at least one of those two things (most of us the latter).
I find myself pingponging; as most of the people I speak with. I’m feeling sad today, I’m feeling very optimistic today, I’m not in the mood to do anything, I want to do it all today, I feel like we just need to get through a few more weeks and things will start to improve, this will never go away! Does any of this sound familiar? As a mother I feel like I need to keep it together for my kids and my family as a whole, I feel like I need to be the rock, the pillar of calm, strength, light and most importantly snacks. I would just like to put it out there that we are all feeling these things, in some ways different but in so many ways the same. We are stronger together, in collaboration and self trust.
In my core I am an optimistic woman, I do like to believe in hope, that love will conquer, and that we will come out on the other side new, transformed and more raw than before. Stripped of expectations and demands and more grateful and empathic. I have found myself connecting more to ummm myself! It began because I became anxious with the looming question I kept asking myself, “what should I be doing during this time”? Not that I have an endless amount of time on my hands (I have two toddlers c’mon now) but because I felt like this unique time means something different to everyone and I want to feel like I’m creating what feels right for me. Now that might be me again putting pressure on myself in an irrational way, but I am going with the flow of just connecting to myself everyday and creating. It’s the only way I see myself finding the real answers I seek. I invite anybody reading this to do the same; it’s a powerful journey. It can look like anything to anybody, walking, cooking, exercising, meditating, writing…Its all so healing, calming and reassuring.
I really wanted to write something to 1. Do a brain dump and 2. To reach people who will read it and feel seen, heard and included…because you are!
Till next time, I send you love and peace.
I don’t have an answer, but I love asking the question, and that’s usually where it begins.
Xoxo
Suzanna