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Boobs are great. They look good, feel good and taste good, but they suck to own. That's why lesbians love tits so much. We understand the pain.

Me, all the time

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I'm finally acknowledging that I'm most probably bisexual. I'm also a 38 yr old woman (I feel kinda old in my recognition). How do I explore this with other women without making them feel like they have to teach me and like I'm a burden since I'm new to this? I live a city with a huge LGBTQI community.

First of all, congratulations on this realization. Seriously! Coming out is hard, even if you live in a city with a large LGBTQI community. And coming out as bisexual can sometimes be particularly hard, given how bisexuality is still (STILL!!) treated as a pit stop on the way to gay land, a frivolous vacation spot that straight girls go to for attention (especially if you’re femme presenting!), or just plain Not A Real thing. We get this from the media. We get this from the people we date.We get this from our family. We get this, perhaps most egregiously, from our doctors, who out of everyone in the world we interact with, should be held to the highest standards of objectivity and non-judgement.

So, welcome to the (occasionally quite frustrating) club!

The picture above is from the episode “The Body” of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It’s just a tiny portion of a very upsetting episode (though I shan’t spoil you if you haven’t seen the show), but it’s the first thing that popped into my head when I read your ask. Now, don’t get me started on the Why Can’t Willow Be Bi-ness of Willow Rosenberg (every “Hello? Gay now?” she utters gets a liiiiittle under my skin, I’ll admit it) but I post it here to show you that you are not alone in your fretful feelings re: establishing your street cred in terms of the sexuality that you’ve so recently come out to yourself about. I think it’s something that many queer girls reckon with at some time or another.

Why is this? Well, for bi girls, and especially femme bi girls, we’re raised in an exceedingly heteronormative culture. I mean, everyone is raised in this heteronormative culture, but bi girls tend to get it from every angle – friends who are nonplussed, because you’ve had boyfriends you’re whole life; lesbians who perhaps are suspicious (for whatever reason) of a girl who is newly out and trying to date.

I understand your worry about feeling like other women will have to teach you, and that’s valid. But your sexuality is your sexuality no matter what, and you never ever ever have to prove it. Anyone who makes you feel like you do have to prove it is, quite frankly, an asshole. Avoid assholes of any and every gender; they’re not worth dating, and they’re certainly not worth your beautiful exciting baby queer time.

If what you’re worried about is S - E - X, and specifically sex with vulva-havers (though here’s where I say, not every woman you might date will have a vulva) – that’s understandable, too. But it’s not like every woman-identifying person with a vulva you encounter is going to like the same exact thing that someone else likes when it comes to what gets her off. And this goes for people with all different types of genitals, in general! We all like to be touched, kissed, and fucked in different ways. So while there is certainly going to be a lot of newness to your experiences now that you’re out and widening your dating pool, you are going to be dating individuals with individual preferences, and approaching each person as a blank slate – both in terms of sexytimes, and dating and relationships more generally – can only help you. Also, asking specific questions, or asking them to show you how they touch themselves? Both really helpful tactics, if you’d like some practical advice.

If instead what you’re worried about is that you don’t know whether or not to be open about your relative newness to dating women, well, that’s a decision only you can make. I tend to think of the things that I’m nervous about sharing with a prospective partner as opportunities; litmus tests, if you will. If I share something I’m nervous about, and that person makes me feel like crap about it? Well, get behind me Satan. That’s not someone I’m going to feel like trusting much with my vulnerability, so they can hit the road, and I’ll find someone better.

But that’s just me. You’re under no obligation to tell anyone that you’re newly out to yourself, if you feel more comfortable playing that close to the vest. If you get nervous on a date, or getting naked together for the first time, or anything else with regard to being out and dating, you can simply say, “I’m a little nervous with new people” – which is perfectly reasonable and understandable. Go slow. Be gentle and patient with yourself, and require gentleness and patience from others. You didn’t do anything wrong by coming out to yourself at 38 – and you wouldn’t have done anything wrong if you came out at 88. Your pace is your pace. You’re here now, and it’s exactly where you’re supposed to be.

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