How do you get over internalized homophobia? I recently turned 33 and I've had this hatred of myself over this for so long. I grew up in a conservative, Christian household where being gay is a sin. I'm still in the closet and I don't know when I'll ever come out. I've struggled with this for so long and I just need help. I apologize if this question is too extreme, I don't know who to talk to about this.
Hey anon,
Thanks so much for reaching out. You’re question is not extreme and unfortunately is a common experience for people who grew up in conservative christian communities. All members of our community have to actively work on unpacking internalized homophobia (we all receive some version pf it growing up because our entire culture - even outside christian spaces - is embedded in it!). You may have to work harder to find which thoughts have been planted in your head that continue to contribute to your sense of internalized homophobia. I’m going to make a few suggestions for places to start:
You may want to look into LGBTQ+ spaces to access in person. Feeling part of a community and seeing other people living their lives can help normalize what you’re experiencing. This could be through local organizations, Pride Centre’s, or through an Affirming Church in your area. It could be helpful to look in to Affirming Churches - only in that the folks who attend and work there may have additional tools and resources to help uncover and undo the homophobia specifically coming from your faith during your upbringing. I know many LGBTQ+ Christians who are working to reconcile their identity with their faith. It is possible.
Another in person option to look into would be counselling. Based on the level of distress it sounds like you are experiencing I believe this could be a helpful option for you. To find a LGBTQ+ affirming counsellor you could google: LGBT Affirming Counselling + Your Area or, you could call your local Pride Centre or a Crisis Line in your area (they’re there for support) to see if they have a list of LGBTQ+ affirming counsellors.
This article by Revel & Riot has some interesting informaiton about internalized homophobia and a list of several references that could be good additional reading at the bottom: http://www.revelandriot.com/resources/internalized-homophobia/
The Riddle Scale may be helpful to you in determining where you’re currently at and what you could be working towards in terms of acceptance and celebration of yourself and your identity: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Riddle_scale
Lastly, there are several authors who write about LGBTQ+ identities and christianity - it could be worth googling these key words and searching for books that fit your own questions. Be sure to read the abstracts and avoid any literature that talks negatively about LGBTQ+ identities.
I hope this gives you a place to start, Sending you lots of love for the journey ahead - you deserve to feel loved and supported for who you truly are.
–LadyCave