So I’ve been questing my faith a lot more now that it’s Ramadan, before this I was practicing regularly and talking about it with friends. But lately, I’ve been feeling confused, maybe God has left me because I haven’t been doing enough for Him, maybe He hates me. I feel like everything is working against me.
I know this dunya is supposed to be a prison for believers but why does having faith make me feel even more trapped, I’ve been feeling depressed because of it.
I haven’t been able to fast yet, so maybe once I do things will change? I have so much grief and guilt about questioning and I can’t even talk to any of my friends about it because I don’t want them to see me differently. But ever since I’ve come to terms with idea that God may very well not exist, I’ve felt such relief and peace, the guilt I had for being alive stopped bothering me.
But I also feel angry, like I’ve been lied to. I know if I brought this up to my parent it would probably be daqan ceelis (forced overseas) for me in hopes I come back better. But staying here isn’t any better, instead i continue to be robbed of my money by my family and unable to form any kind of independence. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life faking, I want to leave this family but as a Somali, it’s extremely difficult.
Can anyone else relate or am I screaming into the void?
