#questioning lithromantic

[raavenb2619]

hi. i am asexual, now i’m wondering if i’m aro-spec. i have been attracted to people in that way but i always felt so tight and nervous in my stomach if they returned the feelings. i was too scared to go out with them. this could be anxiety? or am i feeling yucky bc i’m aro? side note i tend to get attached to celebs/public figures, but i know that’s not romantic, it’s like platonic but they look nice too. this feels different than that. attraction also seems to happen less often than with other people. i feel no attraction at first sight.

I can’t tell you if you’re aro or not, because the only person who can determine that is you. That said, here’re some things that might help. 

Understanding attraction can be tricky, but here’s one way I think about romantic versus platonic attraction. If what you think of as romantic attraction doesn’t line up with what I’ve written there, it might be because you’re experiencing a different type of attraction and mistaking it for romantic attraction (which is something that myself and many other aros have done before). 

On the other hand, it’s entirely possible that you really are experiencing romantic attraction. In that case, would it be correct to say that you sometimes you’re romantically attracted to people, but that attraction goes away if they’re romantically attracted to you? If so, you might be lithromantic (also called akoiromantic). 

Lastly, you might find the terms romance-repulsed, romance-indifferent, and romance-favorable useful to have in your vocabulary. They’re used to describe how one feels about romance (either in a specific moment/environment/context, or as a general pattern), where romance-repulsed people are uncomfortable with romance, romance-favorable people enjoy romance, and romance-indifferent people don’t really care either way. It’s worth noting that anyone can use any of these words to describe themselves, even if they’re not aro. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[raavenb2619]

hey!!, i'm very confused atm and idk if i'm 100% aro or just arospec (lithromantic). i had 2 romantic relationships but i felt suffocated (???) and super uncomfortable specially when we had to kiss or say cheesy stuff. it just wasn't something spontaneous to me. also, could the fact that i enjoy love stories until the main characters start to date mean something about my attraction? and lastly i think i have a squish on a friend, but it feels like it's romantic,,, but at the same time (1/2 🐸)

(2/2 🐸) i don't want to kiss them, date them or do anything that can be considered romantic. so,,,, i guess that's a squish right? yeah i'm lost, i'm not desperately trying to find The Right Label but i just thought that i could be aro today when i woke up and i can't think of anything else🤡 anyway thanks adjajhda

I can’t tell you for certain what labels you should use, because the only person who can determine that is you. That said, here’s some stuff that might help. 

Your dislike of love stories when the main characters start to date could have something to do with your identity and experiences with attraction, but it could also be unrelated. I’ve noticed that most of the time, if I like a story with a romantic element, but it leans too heavily on the romantic element, I’ll start to dislike it, but other aros might enjoy it even more. You can let your relationship to romance guide how you understand your identity, but you don’t have to let it dictate your labels. 

Have you heard of alterous attraction? It’s rather nebulous, and often gets used as a catch-all term for things that can’t easily be categorized as solely romantic or solely platonic. If you don’t want to do any romantically coded things with your friend, but your attraction feels different, somehow, than other squishes, you might find it helpful to have another word for it. (And of course, how you act on it, if at all, is up to you, regardless of how you categorize it.)

If you’re not sure of exactly what label you want to use, but you know you’re somewhere on the aromantic spectrum, you can always just call yourself aro or aromantic. There can be confidence in specific labels, but there can be confidence in vague labels, too.  Also, if you’re wondering if aro is a better label for you that lithromantic, you can try it out for a bit to see how it feels. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[raavenb2619]

I’ve had crushes on quite a few people. But every time I recognize my crush, it goes away. I’ve tried to be oblivious to my crushes so they’ll stay long enough for me to tell the person. But it never works; in the end, I always realize it. I think it’s some form of asexuality, but I’m not entirely sure. Do you have any idea what it could be?

This could be lithsexual (also sometimes called akoisexual), which does fall under the asexual umbrella. You don’t specify what kinds of attraction your crush consists of, so if you’re using “crush” to refer only to romantic attraction, you might find lithromantic (which falls under the aromantic umbrella) to be more applicable than lithsexual. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[raavenb2619]

hi, I'm sorry if this is a bad question or you're the wrong person to ask, but is there a term for folks who experience romantic attraction but don't want to pursue it besides "celibate" or "abstinent" cause i feel like those terms imply I'm sacrificing something and I don't feel that at all,

Hm. Words like “celibate” and “abstinent” are normally used in the context of sexual attraction, not romantic attraction, so I’m not quite sure what you mean. 

If you’re looking for a word for experiencing romantic attraction but not wanting to pursue it, you might be looking for romance-repulsed, lithromantic/akoiromantic, grayromantic, or something else depending on your experiences.

If you’re look for a word for experiencing sexual attraction but not wanting to pursue it, you might be looking for sex-repulsed, lithsexual/akoisexual, graysexual, or something else. 

If you’re looking for a word that you can use in general conversation without having to go through a bunch of Aspec 101, you might try saying that you’re not interested in romance/sex? Our society thinks that everyone wants sex and romance, and thus that not partaking in them must be some sort of sacrifice, but saying that you’re just not interested can avoid that connotation. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[raavenb2619]

Sexuality is confusing, I'm stuck because I get crushes but once I'm in a relationship, though I've only had about two, I freak out because I just don't feel anything, I don't know if I'm aro or just have commitment issues

If you notice that your crushes fade/go away after you’ve gotten to know someone better, you might be frayromantic. If you notice that your crushes fade/go away when your feelings are reciprocated by someone, you might be lithromantic/akoiromantic. These identities fall under the aromantic umbrella, so if you think you might be one of them (or another identity under the umbrella), you can call yourself aromantic. If you want, feel free to test drive one of these identities and see how it feels. When I was figuring out if I was aro, I didn’t actually know 100% until I tried on the label for a bit, so it can definitely help. 

If you find that relationships are unpleasant/you don’t want to be in one, you don’t have to. Society tries to promote the idea that everyone needs a relationship/partner, but that’s not true. So feel free to spend some time getting to know yourself better without the pressure of getting into or being in a relationship. In fact, if you find that you dislike being in a relationship, I’d encourage you to ignore the pressure to be in one and just do what’s best and healthiest for yourself. 

Figuring out your orientation can be super tricky because attraction and orientation and relationships can be super complicated and confusing. So if you’re unsure or questioning, that’s totally fine. Take your time if you want, and don’t feel like you have to figure this stuff out right away. Maybe you’ll find a label you like at some point, or maybe you won’t. Either way, you’ll still be valid. 

Hope that helps, as always, feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions.