9. things quinn said when giaan was crying
Giaan says she’s fine when she leaves, but Quinn knows she’s lying so hefollows her.
Outside, the air is cold and it slices against his skin. (He ratherenjoys it – lifts his face and inhales). The sounds of the party die down the fartherhe strays away from it, and the night gets darker, offers to envelop him.
He finds her alone at the bus stop, sitting on the bench with her headdown, her thin fingers absently pulling at loose strands of fabric. Giaan looks small. It makes Quinn gnash histeeth.
“Why’d you leave?”, he asks – barks.
Giaan starts, but she doesn’t look at him. His blood simmers. “I said Iwas tired.”
He’d heard her say it, too – watched her subtly lean into Eileen for show,listened to her voice, soft and low. “Bullshit.”
A bus arrives and stops. Somebody gets off and walks away. The word continuesto ring in his ears, like they can’t believe he’s said it at all, and Giaanhasn’t moved. Quinn finally tears his gaze away from her, focuses it on the busgradually disappearing in the distance until it blends with the many other dotsof faraway traffic.
She talks at last: “You don’t know anything.” Giaan sounds as small asshe looks, tone conveying resignation rather than confrontation.
It is very much the opposite of his. “I know you’re lying!” Now that makes her look at him. Quinnswallows and clenches his clammy hands into fists – unclenches them – clenchesthem again. “You’re lying to yourself,” he adds, perhaps unnecessarily.
(He hates the way his breath hitches when he does.)
“You don’t know anything,” sherepeats, slower this time. Quinn realises that this is what her fury is like:ice rather than fire, and a thousand times more effective than a raised voice. Eachword sinks into his bones and spreads poison in his veins.
He returns her glare. “Admit it.”
“What…?”
“Admit it!”
“Quinn, I don’t know what you’re -!”
“Admit you’re still in love with him!”
He takes a step forward when he shouts this. He regrets it instantly.Some distances, Quinn knows, aren’t meant to be closed. This was one of them.“You’re still in love with him,” he says again and pretends not to notice howhis voice shakes.
Still, although he’s finallyquieted down, Quinn is no less harsh. He tells himself: this has to be done.
And he takes it back the momenthe sees Giaan stave in into herself. (He’s never claimed to be brave nor has heever pretended to be strong).
Watching Giaan right now, he thinks, is like watching the sea before atsunami strikes. Something inside her retreats, rushes away from the surface,escaping him and, perhaps, herself until it’s reached a dead-end and the onlyway that remains is forward. He should’ve been expecting this, maybe, but beingpowerless, helpless, against the oncoming tide that is Giaan Elmes very nearlybreaks him. “I’m sorry,” she tells him, and he believes her because she wouldn’tbe crying if she didn’t mean it. (Healmost doesn’t want her to mean it: maybe it’d hurt less that way.)
“I know I shouldn’t - I’m sorry,”she says again, choking on a broken sob, “I’m sorry.” Giaan brings her hands towipe away her tears, but they won’t stop and that frustrates her more. Hermovements go from frantic and embarrassed to furious.
Quinn can’t move. He wonders if he would help even if he could. “I don’tget it,” he admits.
She sobs again.
“Why?”
“Please don’t ask me – not that – not you –“
He presses on regardless (this hasto be done): “Why are you still inlove with him?”
“Stop, Quinn… Please.” Quinn wishes he could. The sound that escapes herthroat next, the sight of her cringing away – from him, from herself, from the inevitablequestion and its painful answer -, that would’ve been enough to break anyone’sresolve. Who is he to ask these questions anyway? Who is he to make herconfront a truth neither of them wantsto face?
Still.
This has to be done.
“Why are you still in love with him–“ he raises his voice again, draws courage from its volume, tunes out theguilt and the humiliation and the reluctance and the envy and the jealousy churning in his stomach “– whenyou could just fall in love with me!?”
He doesn’t know whether this makes her stop crying altogether or sob allthe harder: truthfully, he can’t hear anything over the blood roaring in hisears. “He fucked up,” Quinn continues, voice unexpectedly firm. Somehow, he’snot exhausted. Somehow, his heart is still in its place, very much drummingpainfully against his ribcage, when he could’ve sworn he’d just ripped it outhimself and thrown it at her feet. He wants to understand. He wants Giaan tounderstand as well. “He – He hurt you –“
“Don’t do this, please.”
“He hurt you!”
“Quinn!”
“He ruined everything, but I choseyou!”
Her last cry is quiet, pitiful, but, quite clearly, the very last. Itsounded almost like she hadn’t meant to utter it at all, as if it had beenstuck in her throat and nothing more – so long, good riddance, may you never return.Giaan buries her face in her hands.
“I chose you. In spite ofeverything, I -”, he breaks off. His voice fails him (about time!) and that’s okay because he doesn’t have the energy orthe desire to continue. Quinn wants to hide. Quinn wants to cry (apparently, it’scontagious).
He settles for turning his head away from her instead.
He can feel his face burning. He pretends it’s because of the cold.
Finally, Giaan speaks: “You shouldn’t have.”
He knows she means that too. It tears him in half. “I didn’t have to do anything.”
“I’m sorry.” She still doesn’t understand. Quinn doesn’t have thestrength to explain.
“I…” This kind of thing, Freddie babbled at him once, is not a matter ofchoice. “Don’t be. I’m sorry too.”
They fall silent.
“For what it’s worth…” he begins and then falters. “I didn’t pick you to fall in love with.” He certainly didn’twant time to freeze when she smiledat him (honestly, it was embarrassing to get caught staring). Giaan looks up athim, mostly surprised but also a little bit hurt. “But I -,” he clears histhroat “- I chose to stay by yourside regardless. That was my decision and mine alone and there’s nothing youcan do or say to take it away from me.”
Giaan nods, staring at him wide-eyed, but she doesn’t say anything.
(Her cheeks are red. After all, it’s a very cold night.)
Eventually, her bus arrives. Not another word is spoken between the twoof them. Quinn waits for her to board it and, afterwards, for it to disappearin the distance. He leaves too, later.
Somehow, he still wants to cry.