#quick comeback

[a-fatal-father-figure]

someone in a coffee shop I was at was trying to flex with his friends and he said "if being sexy was a crime I'd be serving twelve consecutive life sentences" and without thinking I spun around on my heels and leaned on the countertop and said "damn the justice system must be really screwed because you'd be serving that many life sentences for a crime you never even committed in the first place" and his friends just started absolutely pissing themselves laughing

[dalenoriah]

Me: *listening to a live version of Queen’s “Somebody to Love”*

Boyfriend: *in the other room playing video games*

Boyfriend: that sounds like....weird....worship music or something

Me: ....

Me: It is...

Me: It’s fucking Queen

[eternityofloveandfrienship]

Best come back i have ever done

someguy: "i run the band and everying it takes up a lot of my time and so i'm busy " as looking at his phone

Me: "what telepathically? ??"

...... slients

Someone guy: "oh hahaha"

Didn't expect such a quick come back to what he said

[fuzzysparrow]

Me: Was Hitler buried or cremated?

Sister: Well if he was cremated that means there's a little bit of Hitler in all of us.

[dont-lick-it]

I do, I do!

Jerry Lewis talking about his childhood on the David Susskind Show "Open End", 1965.

[rimmergazpachosoup]

Cat gets told

From "Gunmen of the Apocalypse", Series VI, Episode 3.

[judgmentlaura]

Someone said that they didn't like The Outsiders and I called them a Fucking Piss Pot