When the Clue-by-Four Won’t Work, Try the Five-by-Five
Fate here, this time to celebrate my 25th response by getting to the roots of five frequently-complained…I mean, asked questions from you squares.
Because five is the square root of twenty-five, not because I actually think all of you are that desperately uncool, so don’t sue me any further.
On with the numerical (s–t)show:
Why would you send me a sequence of numbers in my dreams that are exactly the right amount to put on a lottery ticket, have me buy said lottery ticket, and then not have those be the winning numbers?
What made you think those were lottery numbers and not, say, a code I concocted in order to lead you to the love of your life?
Why would you send me a sequence of numbers in my dreams that could be plugged into a GPS and/or used to indicate a specific date and time, make it so that nothing stands between me and arriving at that place at that time, and then not arrange for the love of my life to meet me there and then?
What made you think those were GPS coordinates/set date and time information and not, say, a code I concocted to lead you to some winning lottery numbers?
Every time I’m ready to check out at the grocery store, there’s always some hold-up no matter which cashier’s lane I choose. If I choose the lane where there’s only one person in front of me, they’re always two items into a cart jam-packed full of teeny-tiny items that each need to be scanned individually, one or usually more are missing a barcode so another employee needs to go track down the damn thing(s) to find the item number + it’s always at the very bottom of the cart so it’s not like the cashier can scan other items while they’re waiting.
If I choose one of the lanes that has multiple people but they’re all carrying baskets that aren’t full, then when it comes time to pay, one will want to write a check, the other will slam down a stack of coupons (mostly expired), another will want to divide the payment between cash, a gift card, and two credit cards that they want cashback points on…
If I try to go thru the self-scanners, they’ll all be shut down except for the one that’s cash-only (I don’t carry cash) and the other one where some asshole didn’t scan something properly and now has to wait for an employee to clear it but the employee’s all the way across the store flirting with a barista. So just, why???
Someone has to remind all those once-a-month shoppers, customers on budgets, and hapless victims of technological glitches how much worse they could have it.
Every time I’m on the highway, there’s a traffic jam. And everytime I switch lanes to the one that appears to be moving faster, it slows or, more typically, outright stops the second I’m in it.
The other drivers in the lane you changed out of appreciate your sacrifice.
Every time I’m driving on surface streets, I manage to hit every single red light…until I need to do something complicated like start a new audiobook or find the snack/drink I tossed out of reach in the backseat, then the lights are all green all the way through.
The other drivers who preloaded their audiobooks and put their snacks and drinks in the passenger seat appreciate your sacrifice.
Really, I do thank all of you for your sacrifices of airing grievances and gushes alike. It is nice to be reminded of one’s guiding influence on an entire species, even when said species would clearly rather flail around alone in the dark.