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HELLO RELIGIOUS/ FORMERLY RELIGIOUS LGBT+ PEOPLE!!!!! I need some tips. Have any of you ever attempted/succeeded in getting a GSA type club approved at your religious private school? I'd like to attempt to do that for my alma mater and I have some ideas, but Im mostly running in blind. This is for a yeshiva, so I’d love personal info on those, but info about any religious learning institution would be great!!!!
A Letter to My Community, from an Orthodox Jewish LGBT+ 20 something
(I wrote this one day when I was kind of angry. It doesn’t make a lot of sense but other LGBT+ Jews have told me they understand so??? Here it is in case anyone can relate, you’re definitely not alone) ~~ I’m trying not to hate you.
Really, I am. I want to be proud of where I come from. I want to want to be a part of my community.
But damn, guys, you’re making it kind of hard.
I’ve spent the past 25 years being told my existence is a debate. When I was in yeshiva I listened to teachers and Rabbis lecture about the horrors of the homosexual, when all I really wanted from them was an A, and maybe, if I was feeling wild, a college recommendation letter. Every single week for as long as I can remember, I’ve been exposed to nasty articles in the local papers warning me about the “same sex agenda” as though myself and all my evil gay friends are lying in wait to convert unsuspecting heterosexuals to our deviant ways, when really our only “agenda” is to be left alone.
The LGBT+ community is constantly told that our identities are just choices we are making. Like I chose to be queer any more than I chose to have blue eyes. But sexuality and gender identity are not choices. You know what is a choice? Being religious. Staying Orthodox. And those are choices I make every day, every hour. The choices all LGBT+ Jews who grew up Orthodox make. Every single time we hear hateful rhetoric at the Shabbat table, every time one of our own is shamed and disrespected, every time we open our local papers to find multiple articles outlining why, exactly, we shouldn’t exist, we wonder.
Is it worth it?
Why am I working so hard to stay in a community that so clearly wants nothing to do with me? Is it worth the pain and the anxiety and the hatred?
Every Jew knows the joke about our holidays: “They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat.” Almost every single celebration we have is in remembrance of a time when we were told that we, as Jews, had no right to exist. That we, as Jews, were accepted as long as we didn’t act “too Jewish”. In Europe, RIGHT NOW, are people who are not hiding their hatred of us. It’s becoming very apparent that times are changing, and they will not be kind to the Jew. So how can you, as Jews, treat me the way they treat all of us? I promise you, if things go south for us, they won’t care whether you wear long skirts or if I have a girlfriend. All Jews will bleed the same.
LGBT+ people from unaccepting communities are EIGHT TIMES more likely to commit suicide than those from loving places.
But you don’t have to worry about that, right? That’s for the weaker people, the less pious people, the people who scorn god and want to disrupt the balance of the moral world. You don’t know any LGBT+ people! And you definitely don’t know any LGBT+ kids.
Well buckle up my friend, because, surprise surprise, you do.
Some experts believe that one in every ten people is LGBT+.
The statistics do not skip our community just because most of us keep Shabbat or go to yeshiva. We are just as likely as any other community in the world to have LGBT+ people among us, and we do. They’re everywhere. They’re in your schools. Your shuls. They’re walking down [the Main Street in my town] in their tzniut outfits, davening next to you on Yom kippur, sitting at your Shabbat table on Saturday afternoons.
One in ten people. That’s one for every minyan.
And your ignorance, your unwillingness to believe that it can’t happen here, it can’t be real, is hurting all of us. But it is especially hurting our children.
LGBT+ kids didn’t do anything to you but exist. All they want to do, all I want to do, is practice my religion in peace. You say that’s not possible. If we’re gay, if we’re trans, if we’re non conforming in any way you don’t approve of, suddenly we’re not good enough for your religion. Suddenly all my years of yeshiva, my 25 years of being Orthodox, of being religious, all of that is erased because I love differently than you do? Because I dare to exist in a way you don’t approve of?
What, did Hashem descend on a heavenly cloud to whisper this holy message of intolerance to you? Are you now a messenger of god? Is it your job to tell me what I can and cannot do? Who I can and cannot be?
We, the LGBT+ Orthodox community, are told at every turn that our existence is an anathema. That we are not allowed to be who we are and also be religious. Do you know how hard it is to try to hold onto your identity when everyone wants to take it away from you?
How dare you turn away any Jew. These are your siblings that you are trying to rid yourselves of. This is your family you are trying to ignore.
So thank you for your revered opinion, but forgive me if I don’t agree. I spent too long trying to hide myself, trying to pretend I didn’t exist. I spent too long wanting to disappear, wanting to die, for anyone but Hashem’s opinion to matter to me.
LGBT+ Orthodox people exist. We are here. We are more than a hypothetical, and no matter how much you hate us, we are not going away. You don’t get to choose what derech we are on. Times are changing, and unless you change with us, you will be left behind.
If you’re mad about it, take it up with god. Don’t be surprised, though, if he’s not on your side.
I just did a video interview telling my story and they’re gonna put it together in a compilation and send it to my old Yeshiva in an attempt to get them to be more open about their LGBT+ students....my parents are like “hey so you know this is really big and the entire community is gonna be asking questions, even to your extended family??”
so I guess that’s something that’s coming
i forgot to show you guys my new shirt
I’m just so, so, so tired.
A Rabbi is being criticized for daring to suggest that queer people deserve respect. People are calling for his office. Friends and family members are posting disgusting things. I’m so, so, so tired.
I am d o n e with people telling me I need to accept homophobia because “what else did you expect in this community?” I’m done with people expecting me to grovel at their feet in thanks when they say something that’s only 95% homophobic instead of 100%. A family friend showed me an article in a local religious paper that was about trans* people in the Orthodox community. And he was so excited. Because “for a religious paper, this is impressive”. On one hand, I get what he’s saying. The article essentially did say that trans* people should be accepted because technically they’re not breaking any Torah laws. The wording wasn’t entirely respectful, which pissed me off, but a part of me was genuinely happy that it seemed like they were trying.
But then I got to the end of the article. The part that basically said I should die rather than exist. Which maybe bothered me A TAD.
So here’s the deal. Basically, under the threat of death or something similar, Jews are, according to the Torah, allowed to sin. This stands for almost everything, EXCEPT for three key sins “for which one must be willing to die rather than commit”. And what do you know, “sexual immorality” is one of those sins. Apparently. So according to the lovely, progressive, accepting article, trans* people are GRUDGINGLY ACCEPTED, but queer people are Not Allowed At All.
They even went as far as saying that in certain cases, allowing trans* people to present as themselves is a matter of pekuach nefesh, which is a term in Judaism that basically means that people living is more important than the rules in the Torah. This is a good thing!!! But then they had the goddamn audacity to mention that it’s dangerous to not accept trans* people because it causes the rate of suicide to go up....but EVEN THOUGH this is also the case with queer people...it doesn’t matter. Queer people should basically die rather than be themselves.
“We do have compassion for Orthodox homosexuals...” fuck off. I’m so pissed off omg. Stop expecting me to be happy because they’re Not As Bad As They Could’ve Been. And I want so badly to be happy about their stance on trans* people at least, but there is so much here that rubs me the wrong way that it feels less like a victory and more like they’re covering their asses. Lucky me, this is a four part article series in this paper. Can’t wait for part 3 next week.
R and I ran into an old friend and the old friend’s friend today. I don’t remember the context, or what the friend said, but I basically replied with a super sarcastic “yeah, I’m really scared of lesbians.” Friend B: Omg me too??? Me: The joke is that I’m not straight. *stunned silence*
And the next half hour was like a weird ass daydream. I’m so used to queer things being normal and not having to explain myself that being in the middle of a park in my incredibly religious town, sitting with two incredibly religious friends, talking about queer things and trying really hard to get them to understand was just....bizarre.
Some highlights:
Tbh I kind of wish I was gay bec then I could just be like “yep I’m a lesbian” and that would be that. But it wasn’t. A half hour of explaining the terms “queer” “asexual” “fluidity” was kind of draining tbh
“Oh so you’re like a plant then?”
“Aw cute you’re like a starfish?” “No.” “So...a lesbian?”
“How do you know you don’t want it if you’ve never had it?”
“You should kiss some girls that would probably help you figure it out”
“Don’t people usually have it figured out by their twenties?”
“Are you sure you’re not a lesbian????”
“Maybe you just haven’t met the right guy”
“Not a lesbian then???”
etc.
Like every cliche ever, basically. It was fine though lol I should get used to this. (I kind of felt...bad/guilty at some points? Like I was wrong for saying anything at all? But nah I should get over that really tbh overall it was funny lmao.) Don’t know if they left the park enlightened or just afraid. Oh well. \_(-.-)_/
Another one of those times where I want to complain about something but don’t want to make a Chillul Hashem. Basically if you’re not Jewish please please please do not make assumptions or judgements from anything I say here. It’s much more complicated than it seems.
That being said. Do any other queer Jews feel like straight adults have some nerve telling us that we have to date Jews? I’m down with the whole “dating Jews” thing in general. It makes sense, especially if you’re Orthodox, and I totally understand the reasoning behind it. But as a Jew, it’s hard enough to find other Jews (we’re 0.2% of the world’s population). As a queer person, it’s hard enough to find other queer people. But being a queer Jew puts you in this impossible position where you’re expected to date just like the straight Jews do, like it’s that easy, like everywhere you go there are eligible gay Jews to pick from. Straight Jews have shidduchim, and shabbatons, and a million other ways to meet each other. Queer people have dating apps, and clubs, and the internet.
Queer Jews have nothing. I grew up believing I was the only queer Jew in the world. That’s how isolating it is. And it’s just so incredibly frustrating when straight Jewish adults act like we have some sort of responsibility here. Like just let us be, it’s not fucking fair to hold us to these standards when nobody accepts us anyway.
I’m just so tired.
