( /there’s a lot to squeeze into his day than normal, because he has to make up for the fact that he’s not going to kumdo and that he’s not staying late and he’s making a list of all the things he’d been doing instead to try and schedule some makeup time for them in the coming week - not to mention the announcement of a new twisted evaluation that has him so much more excited than it probably should all things considered - but the moment they’re released, he breaks his routine and skips past the diner to grab his bag from his locker and heads to collect the giant present he’s had prepared for a few days and he realizes as he stares at the oversized box that maybe he should have thought this through a little better. ) - ( /he wins in the end, though, getting a taxi and the box manages to fit onto the back seat and the driver seems almost jealous when he brushes it off with a simple explanation: ‘valentines’. ) - ( /the ride is short and getting into the building is easy enough and he smiles once he reaches the door and gets inside - he’s never regretted getting a copy of Byunghun’s key a few months back - and he’s never been more thankful that Sphere finishes training before either of his friend’s companies before. )
( /he makes short work of setting everything up, leaving a small, wrapped present on Byunghun’s bed with a small card - he managed to get some more of his mothers cooking and managed to not eat it before getting it to his friend’s bedroom so he’s rather proud of himself really - and then turns his attention to the main contents of the box. ) - ( /had he been anyone else, he’d probably struggle, but the large bear is no trouble for him to hoist over his shoulder and carry into Ricky’s room and set on his bed. ) - ( /he catches sight of a slight smaller bear in the corner, his heart fluttering in his chest because it’s still there where it’s impossible to miss and that makes him feel a little better about the entire thing. ) - ( /a small box joins the large soft toy on the mattress - another bottle of the same cologne as he’d gifted last year, because even after all this time his tastes and preferences haven’t changed in the slightly - and a card rests on top, and once he’s happy with everything, he steps back to just admire the set up. ) - ( /after a few minor adjustments, he leaves the room again and breaks down the box and then’s out of the apartment as though he wasn’t there in the first place, down the hall and down the stairs with the broken down and folded box under one arm, the contents of a note slipped into the card swirling in his head. )
Changhyun,
I promised you last year that I’d get the biggest one they had next time. It’s next time now, so here’s the biggest one. It’s softer than the other one, too.
I know I’m burdensome with this whole thing, but I also can’t help it. I didn’t have any say in this either, but it always hurts when I’m stuck away from you like this. Sometimes I just want to be selfish so I can be there and make you smile. Because that’s all that matters to me.
I figured that out. I love you, Changhyun. I do. And it’s a burden on you, I know, but you don’t have to return it. I just want you to be happy. I want to make you happy. So even if I just end being there for you to use to make you feel better whenever you’re feeling self-destructive, then that’s enough. As long as I can make you smile again, that’s enough.
You carry the world on your shoulders when you don’t have to, Changhyun. You pull so much stress onto yourself when you don’t need to, but I also know you won’t listen to reason and you’ll keep pushing yourself until you collapse and then the moment you can stand again, you’ll get back up and go at it again. I’ll be here you catch you when that happens, okay? When you don’t feel strong enough or you don’t feel good enough or anything of those things, I’ll be here to show you how wrong that is.
Because you are more than good enough and you are more than strong enough. You’ve kept going through so much adversary and you never stop. You were the only one in Nova to get a place in the drama. People will look back on that when you debut and talk about how amazing it is that you got a place where no one else in your company did. You’ve done so much in Nova and you only keep getting better and you will keep only getting better.
But you also need to rest and take a break sometimes to let your body recover and become stronger. Ah, I sound like a broken record about this by now, I’m sorry. I just don’t want you to end up in the ER from exhaustion. That’d scare everyone and it would put you back even more. So take a little time to sleep a little. I don’t know if I help any but… if I do, you can just ask me to come and I’ll stay with you. I can make sure you don’t sleep longer than you want to.
Ah… this got away on me again. I didn’t mean for this to be so long, but I mean every word and you mean so much to me.
Please take care of yourself.
I love you.
Happy Valentines.
Dongho
{` he comes home at a reasonable hour for once, perturbed from extra training or human interaction in general by the results of his evaluation; the bus ride is a blur, and with his forehead glued to the chilled glass of a window as he watches the city fly by him in indistinct blurs of colors, he doesn’t realize he’s missed his destination until he’s two stops past his own and when he does finally get off, he has to backtrack an extra ten minute distance until his apartment is visible. } - {` he passes a couple holding hands and carrying matching ice creams and he his eyes fall to the ground when he realizes he’s staring, trying to take from their example in an effort to remember what such frivolous happiness feels like. they don’t notice, too wrapped up in their own celebration of the night to pay any mind to the teen in a hoodie and a face mask who’s far too good at blending into the shadows for his own good }
{` he greets byunghun in less than five words, ignores fruit loop nipping excitedly at his ankles, and disappears into his room, only, it’s far from a place of solace and comfort when he sees the massive stuffed animal sitting on his bed. for a moment, he thinks maybe he’s accidentally traveled back in time to a year ago, before his self-created reality shoved him down and refused to let him back up. but he knows better than to humor such fantasies } - {` he lets his backpack fall unceremoniously to the floor and trudges slowly to the end of his bed, moving heavy limbs to pry the card away from the ensemble }
{` it’s strange to feel anything other than humiliation and disappointment and envy, but even baekho’s encouraging words hurt. it’s in a different way entirely, in a way that makes his chest seize up because there’s no way he’s living up this whatever image it is that the elder male has of him. he’s forgotten how to react to praise, because he doesn’t even know how to praise himself anymore, and that makes him angry; he’s apparently forgotten how he wasn’t supposed to be attached to baekho anymore and that makes him angry too. and then there’s the stupid bear, like the stupid bear is supposed to make everything better, like sewn-together bits of fabric filled with stuffing and decorated with beady eyes and a plastic pink nose are supposed to make him debut faster or make him hurt less }
{` he’s subconsciously tightened a fist around the note, staring at the wall across from him for several moments, practically sleeping with his eyes open, basking in the humiliation that still lingers after that bit of mediocrity he’d put on for those judging his evaluation. then he wordlessly buries his face in his hands and falls into some limbo between sleep and thought and overwhelming emotion, because this wasn’t how it was ever supposed to be, for who knows how long, until byunghun comes in and puts an arm around him, and doesn’t ask any prying questions even though he’s obviously concerned } - {` it’s only when he decides that he’s not going to cry just yet that ricky agrees to curling up on the couch next to his roommate in front of a few movies }
{` he deliberately leaves the note, wrinkled and crumpled, on his bedspread, unable to erase the words from his mind }
